crazeeee

haha i can't say being home is not interesting...

so my daddy did coffee enema on sat nite... then the whole of sunday he was having diarrhea... then cos he was bleeding my mom sent him to the hospital... then because he was bleeding they warded him to find out the cause... and because he got warded i then got to 'relief teach' his classes last night - and handle all the admin work as well...

bleh. haha. lets just say 'all things work for good' cos Daddy God is good... and now i have twice the amount of spending money than before cos teaching gets me more pay =P

being real

there is no such thing as 'one day i shall be like Jesus' like it's some level of progression thing... or some 10 steps to improvement... there is no 'oh he's a leader, God must hear him more than me, he has more faith'...

as much as you can say 'oh i know blah blah already' as much as you can quote bible verses, proclaim the word of God, do things for God... there's still so much more. and it is definitely not true when you say 'oh i'm over that struggle' cos the flesh is weak...

as much as i can say 'Daddy loves me' there are still so many areas where i simply miss the point. and i would have thought it'd be over by now, the wrestle with insecurities, with expectations, with cutting (yes indeed. the thoughts still do come... my body still remembers the exhilaration and yearns for it...) don't i know i have been saved? yeah i do. don't i know that Jesus is all that i need? yeah i do.

but i need to know Him, implement it... make it mine... be real with the person, not memorise the doctrine.

we were singing in worship today 'You are my freedom, Jesus You're the reason' and after a few times 'freedom' was sung... it dawned on me that i haven't been excercising it.

since coming back home it's been 'aiyah cannot la... parents...' 'cannot... no sing dollar' cannot this, cannot that... and probably not because it's really impossible but that there's no spirit to fight..
spirit of defeat - that things won't change/ can't change... and so afraid that things would go back to the way they were before... the lack of freedom... getting such a negative response everytime i say i'm going out.. being a hermit at home instead, accomplishing nothing.

i forgot. that whatever change that has happened since london... was His doing. and that i can't undo with my efforts what God does (the same way i can't sin more than His grace can cover). i forgot that all my efforts to change things were futile... nothing changed until He changed me.
i forgot that Jesus is my provider - rising oil costs? pshaw... must work for money to spend in sg? yeah... but He does the providing
i forgot that Jesus is my healer - disobedient eyes... jet lag.. so what?
i forgot that Jesus is my true love - so what if the parents fight? so what if the relationship doesn't work out?

freedom.

Deut 28:1-6

this is probably something i should have done long ago... haha since the word for this year was that we would realise the blessings of Deut 28. only that in the whole mugging and doing stuff i never got round to meditating on it (and completely forgot about it to be honest) but well. it's never too late to start^^

“Now it shall come to pass, if you diligently obey the voice of the LORD your God, to observe carefully all His commandments which I command you today,
i, having been qualified in the righteousness of Christ
that the LORD your God will set you high above all nations of the earth.
am positioned by God
And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the LORD your God:
to receive every good thing God has willed in my life - no not just that. to have blessings chase after me... even as i chase after God
“Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the country.
no matter where i am, what circumstance i'm in, i'm blessed, for You are with me
“Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, the produce of your ground and the increase of your herds, the increase of your cattle and the offspring of your flocks.
“Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl.
i am made to prosper in all that i do, in quantity and quality
“Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.
my househould shall be blessed, in interaction, in peace.. and blessed shall be my workplace, in efficiency, income and purpose

oh lookie what i found on youtube

lovely choreography... man...


in any case.
i don't know what i'm doing... don't know where i'm going
but i guess that's where Daddy can use me

i'm learning that... slowly slowly - haha need it to be knocked into me man
time of seasoning.
take a verse... rub it in... marinate.
then poke (ouch.) and see whether what comes out is sweet.

shucks. i kinda wish i could skip the revealing of flesh...
skip the boring waiting...
and skip the poking. (change hurts.)
but there are so many things God needs to change
change heart
change mind
change soul
and it takes time to be more and more like Him yeah?
so i surrender.
break me Lord.
break this caged mentality,
break the expectations, the guilt
so my focus is You.

awesome

so today was servers nite... and pastor was sharing some amazing stuff... and giving us a challenge.. to have not just a reason to serve for a short time but to have a revelation and to run with it
i'm awed by what God is doing.

and haha. suddenly i feel less alone
just reminded WHO's doing the calling
and that He's not just calling me (oh look. i'm selfcentered & egoistic =P)
and that He's not gonna call me and leave me high and dry


it's all about Jesus.
and i don't wanna sit around waiting for things to happen
i wanna be USED.

[and i think the song ps benjamin was talking about was 'let the worshippers arise'... but i might be wrong. lol. diff generation indeed]

under construction

i kinda like the mental image of that...
stuck with me a whole week since ps joshua used it as an illustration in last week's service

we get frustrated with people...
frustrated that whatever we do can't seem to change the person
but remember... that each person is a 'construction site'
where the headings on the billboard outside the site probably say:

UNDER CONSTRUCTION
We regret the inconvenience caused.

Main Contractor: God
Site manager: Holy Spirit
Foreman: Jesus

notice your name is nowhere to be seen?

speak singlish please?

lol... convo today with my vid dua tao

me: ugh i got a stye and the eyelid of one eye is very heavy & hard to open
him: stye? what's a stye?
me: uhh... when your hair folicle is clogged then it gets infected and swells... it's like a pimple on your eyelid... but it's not really a pimple... uhhhh
him: *uncomprehending look* okay...
me: ummm... bak jiam lah
him: cheh, why didn't you say that in the first place... then don't need so much explanation


ohwell. singlish pwn english.

that said. i'm going to do something with my life...
something that doesn't involve the parents or family business.
we shall see.
anyone got lobang for event based jobs?

0_o

beeg reminder from Daddy...
that friendships are also His gift... and His responsibility to maintain
i just got a postcard from gillian...
someone i met in sec 2 at a church camp that wasn't even my church's
someone who's m'sian... who has many many different postal addresses

someone i was thinking of sending a postcard to when i was in italy
[but her address was in a book back home here in s'pore]
whose postcard just came from italy saying i had to go there sometime

Godly friendships depend on God eh.

and you're not forgotten.

dislocated & dissatisfied

so i finally found the words to express the 'nagging feeling'

dislocated... meeting london friends in spore is weird.
...like 'hmm i should be on oxford street or something... or in someone's hall/ apartment'
...that the people you'd talk to everyday over there you talk to only once a week when you're 'home'
... you talk about things differently cos well, it would just be weird with s'pore's culture
... different topics cos over here cos ambitions and dreams seem to have taken shelter in some hidden corner, hiding away from the practicalities of 'what i have to do' and 'what other people want me to do'

dissatisfied with what i'm doing now... namely nothing.
waking up and deciding that since i won't do anything useful anyway i might as well go back to sleep =S
i think i've too easily assimilated into the past life - working for parents, staying at home and being guai - but a big big part of me is craving the freedom of london... and that big big part seems to be becoming rather bitter (help Daddy...)

so again i've been asking... what am i living for?
yes. God.. but so? how then? what then? why then?
what is it really... this 'doing what God has called me to do'

and then today Reuben reminded me of my testimony...
which reminded me that Daddy's in control...
for something so painful to touch lives...

i'll believe that i'm growing - even though i feel like i'm being left behind
now's the time for receiving like no other.


maybe that's why this chorus has been ringing in my spirit

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of
His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
~Steven Curtis Chapman - 'God Is God'

-.-"

so. i dreamt that i was somewhere backpacking...
and i was carrying a zara shopping bag
and i went to macs to eat lunch
then i was done with lunch
and i left my stuff for all of a min and went to throw the rubbish away
when i came back my shopping was gone
i asked the two guys at my table (random strangers) many questions
one of which was 'how did the person look?'
and the answer 'pudgy'
'where did he/ she go?'
'she went to the terminal station'
so i grabbed my backpack and ran to the terminal station... and very 'bu gan yuan'

and then i woke up... and it was 9.30am

and so i went back to sleep to try to dream the end 0_o
so i saw someone jump on a tram carrying a zara bag and i ran after her... to no avail

and when i next woke up it was 2pm.
oh goodness -.-"

it feels odd

cos i've just realised that i've kinda walked out of the lives of 30-odd people and i'm walking into the lives of 30-odd other people. fine. not 'out' per-se... but they won't be the people i talk to every week, the people i share things with, the people i do random things with (not as often anyhow). i suppose that's why people don't like changing cg... and maybe i've been spoilt as well... always moving in the same circles.

that is scary... somehow.

and recently i've also been feeling like i live a 'london' life separate from the 'singapore' life... the social circles are all too different. changing from near total privacy to having parents who would read my emails over my shoulder... and my text messages -.-" lol. but to think... that the 40 odd people who are 'family' over there... once uni ends and we all come back... it's just gonna be like this... kinda there.. kinda gone.. (probably my fault also for not going for summer ocf... doing churchy things 3/4 nights a week... would love to, but not quite possible at the moment =P)

and then there are the many many people i know and haven't talked to in ages... some i've lost contact with.

i just wonder... is this it?
is that all there is to it?
and i think... somehow this would be all the more so when teaching... batch after batch of people you spend time with... batch after batch who disappear.

live for today eh?

truce over

lol. now that it's happened i know why i've been feeling weirded out
it's been very peaceful at home, no one screaming their lungs out at the other
something like walking on thin ice... maybe because i've 'just come home'

now it feels more normal...
sad isn't it, that normal = war

sleep in the same room as the parents after they quarrel?
no thanks.

i think i shall be good friends with my couch by the time i go back to london =P

sorry

my mistake.
but at least this masquerade is over.

the difference

is that there isn't a culture of "doing nothing"

sitting down and listening to a sermon doesn't come as easily.. or having time to think even.
there's always a 'what shall we do?' question hanging in the air
or a 'you're free right, can you do ______"

haha or maybe it's just my family.
staying at home = do work for parents
if not = go out
interesting.

but going around from job to job to outing to outing is just strange
it feels strange now to be driven by my activities ... rather than to drive them

haha this is like the epitome of needing to try hard to rest =P

a taste...

of the kind of things i'll be marking in the future:

dear Auntie,
I would like a ___ for my ____....
I looked forward to seeing you, hope to see you soon.
Your godson,
____


man... sounds like she died or somth lol

tense problems... i understand
preposition problems?? uhh... how do you confuse 'on' and 'around'?
strange.

what have i been doing

yeah indeed. what have i been doing since coming home...?

uh...
1. waking up late - my sleeping time has gone to normal but my waking up hasn't =S if i wake up at 10am i feel like i haven't slept... and so i've been waking up at 2pm (half my day gone 0_o)
2. working for parents and typing stuff and marking stuff
check this out: 'a square peg in a round hole = impossible' when they're supposed to write down the meaning of the idiom. LOL. it makes perfect sense though XD
3. hanging out with people... surprisingly not that much =S haha but i guess tt's cos there's like 2 mths more and people are in ns and stuff

not very interesting to blog about... so pardon the lack of posts =P

i've also not touched my guitar although i've been meaning to..
nor gone to HSBC... nor paid my phone bill (oh crap. must do tmr)
nor called UCL (i dun wanna know actually =P but MOE does)
and i'm too lazy to blog about italy... so must wait till i'm inspired... and facebook stops fighting me over uploads

but i have a video to edit now =D which makes up for not doing all i've intended to do =)