and life goes on

back from camp... i actually came back yesterday night =P figured it was pointless to stay the night and not-sleep and go home the next day.

camp was... i dunno... kinda fun... different culture (?) with partygoers galore. i managed to do what i went there to do - made lots of friends, get to know more seniors. but i realised at the end of it last night when they were playing a mild version of a drinking game, how difficult it would be for me to stick by my principles over there. there is pressure to party/ club/ drink till you're drunk/ play like crazy. it was a strange experience as i came to the end of myself in the middle of an indian poker game (this girl had to do a forfeit and kiss a senior >.<) and found myself silently praying that God would preserve me in that kind of environment, give me favour to fit in... to be in the world (and belong) but not of the world. i realised it wouldn't be as easy fitting in as i thought...

by Your favour and grace Lord.


to backdate this a bit... Daddy God's really amazing...

on saturday at servers meeting 1230pm... i was falling asleep as deacon matthew was sharing with us the spirit of serving, thinking "when this ends i can go to some corner and take a nap... and be more alert for service (which starts at 4.30)" the meeting ended at 2pm.. and we went to set up.

serving is a calling... a longing to do something in the kingdom of God... i wanted to serve this week... my 2nd last arrow before London 0_o but i was so tired. in any case, i asked esther how come i wasn't scheduled for today, whether it was for the newcomers to learn. and she turned to me and said 'ya, but they're not here, do you want to do main cam today?' i said yes, and abruptly realised that no less than 10 min ago i was commenting to someone that if i were to serve today i'd probably be able to fall asleep at the camera and you'd see pastor walk out of frame =P

i started off tired, i did... and behind the cam you only get a 2D picture of what's going on... normally your brain shuts down after a while, but as worship progressed my brain started to wake up. then pastor had ministering and i was struck with something i never thought of before - Lord, i want to go up but i'm stuck here serving You. normally in worship, you lift your hands in surrender, lose yourself in His love and come out refreshed... all the more so in ministering, with special anointing as leaders lay hands on you.

and there i was, stuck behind the camera, both hands busy, having to stay alert... and being a bit sad that i couldn't go up... when i realised the portion that servers have...

i used to be in CREW... an usher, basically 'helps' ministry... in ministering, you run around to catch the people getting slain in the Spirit. As you stand behind the person the leader/ pastor is praying for, you can literally feel the backwash of the anointing, even covering you. i realised the privillege of being in video at that point - we get to see the big picture. video is involved in most, if not all events... behind the camera we get to see the multitude of people go up, see the presence of God fall, see people walk away from the front with love shining from their faces... and we get to go up now and then to physically receive... but who's to say that God doesn't touch the people way back in the crowd?

so behind the camera, in the complete opposite of the position i'd normally have in worship - eyes wide open, watching everything, hands controlling the camera, holding still and thinking about the framing instead of concentrating on Him, i just told Him - Lord my heart is open, i want that anointing, that refreshing and i can't go up to get prayed for. You placed me here Lord, so You sustain me, give me strength to stand here, to film well for the whole service and not zone out. Lord i draw from You, right here, right now. - and the sweet physical manifestation of His presence came.

i videoed the rest of the sermon... with the exception of 30 min where hweifen took over from me so i could rest - and doing something as tiring as standing still for 2+ hours and staring at a tiny screen thinking about framing, i came away from serving... more refreshed than when i went in.

God is so good... it blows me away.

give me strength

an update... against my better judgement cos of the time... but then again i probably won't get a chance to blog till... next wed or so.

21/8/07
- full day of work for parents
- break in the middle for photoshop class 1-2pm
- ballet 6.30-7.30pm
- dinner with aaron, my fellow true beginner in the beginner adult ballet class full of laselle ppl
- finally home to finish video editing of hwei's bdae-cake-smash... slept at... what, 2am?

22/8/07
- ice-skating with the MOE scholars 10am @ jurong east... which meant i woke up at 730am =(
- rush off for 2nd photoshop lesson, 2pm-4pm (the guy was nice and extended the time!)
- went looking for sandals around dhoby ghaut... no progress there though
- got picked up by joel for our scholars bible study thing... which ended at 10pm
- got a lift to orchard... picked up by parents for supper
- reached home at uh. 12am thereabouts
- against logic i turned on my lappy and started editing the TSPC video 0_0
- slept at... around 3am

23/8/07
- off to johor bahru for dental appointment... and an attempt at buying sport shoes
- woke up at 830am... and didn't actually move from where i was till about 9am lol.
- shopped. shopped? dunno. managed to buy some random items i needed... although my mom got most of the things on her list done. (no shoes still btw.)
- back home 9pm, turned on comp... and suddenly filled my nice empty friday with a lot of things

24/8/07
- meet xing cong at RJ 8.30am to get certified trues from office and stuff from bookshop
- head down to orchard and split up, me for visa and to check for sandal prices from that shop at cine, him to repair the poor new camera that got drowned in a waterfall
- meet again for lunch(?) with nicholas and head to queensway to get shoes/ sandals (i must must must buy this time grrr.)
- get home ... by 5 hopefully? and edit that TSPC vid... i'm still only doing our performance =(... oh yes. pack. - and must sleep early this time.
[edit] nick didn't show in the end... and i spent about $616 today... which brings the week's expenditure to $715... not counting cents, busfare and stuff. wow. on a happier note, i think i'm just about done with buying =)[/edit]

25/8/07
- meeting ex-classmates 8am chinatown for breakfast (the last breakfast. lol.)
- servers meeting 12.30pm @ church
- serving for arrow... 1.30pm to well... 8 plus 9... [edit] esther just told me i'm not down for tomorrow's service =D so i can bring my lappie and edit for TSPC/ ice skating and chill =)[/edit]
- dinner with the cg =) pray that i don't start nodding off into my food...
- probably reach home after 11pm

26/8/07
- going for... 1st service(?) with the cg pple who go then... ugh. if i can wake up... or maybe go alone to 2nd =S
- UCL freshers camp... 3.15pm pasir ris to catch shuttle to the place...

27/8/07
- camp. well.

28/8/07
- camp. yes. still. till about 10.30am
- freedom! XD
- arrow video training... probably 7.30 to... about 10


*takes a deep breath*
okay. off to bed.

hee.

i was listening to my ipod on the song shuffle... and N'sync came up... and omg my reaction was so jaded lol.

When winter comes in summer
When there's no more forever
Yeah, that's when I'll stop loving you (yah right, humans don't have the capacity to love)

That's when I'll stop loving you
I'm sure you've heard these words before (uh huh.)
And I know it's hard for you to trust them once more (definately so.)
You're afraid it all might end (it already did at some point.)
And a broken heart is scared of breaking again (you're right there. never healed.)
But you've gotta believe meI'll never leave you (as if you can keep a promise)
You'll never cry long as I am there (that's what you all say.)
And I will always be there (oh really?)
You will never be without love

When winter comes in summer (it's starting to happen already...)
When there's no more forever (there was never really a forever)
When lies become the truth (eh... doesn't that happen all the time?)
Oh you know then baby,
That's when I'll stop lovin'
That's when I'll stop loving you

...

that's when i reached home and turned it off. hehe.

but sarcastic thoughs aside - if you imagine Jesus saying it to you, it brings a whole new meaning to things =). Only a perfect man perfect God can keep His promises perfectly.

and that's my Saviour!

...


i love the Abrahamic blessings...

I will make you a great nation;
I will bless you
And make your name great;
And you shall be a blessing.

I will bless those who bless you,
And I will curse him who curses you;
And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”
Genesis 12:2-3

blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply your descendants as the stars of the heaven and as the sand which is on the seashore; and your descendants shall possess the gate of their enemies. In your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, because you have obeyed My voice.”
Genesis 22:17-18

God does the do-ing, we just receive.
(and i find i love Him all the more cos Jesus qualified me for this.)

i choose to believe

i just caught this in the spirit this morning, after these past two weeks of swirling thoughts...

the other voice came back (if you know what i mean) for a moment and i was warring with it. all the 'what if's, the 'are you sure this is the right choice?'s, the 'what's your future, life isn't worth it', the 'comeon, you regret not dying right? see life so difficult' etc.

so i was asking God... are you really sure? God? cos i'm scared to death (rather literally.) and i don't know where i'm going... and preparations aren't going well. not well at all. i have not the strength to fight anymore.

... so i shut down... and shut out... and run away (and was rather surprised when ian looked at me yday at the prayer meeting and went 'you look tired, are you okay?' lol). some-when in there i was thinking about pastor's message about rest (timely reminder) ... and asking God 'eh God, this is so NOT rest la. how how? cannot go overseas being so depressed - so flat, how ah?'... thinking 'omg. talk about falling short of God's will... when you're afraid to sleep cos you don't want to face the next day'

and somehow this morning while thinking through the circumstances i'm in/ been through - it dawned on me... the purpose for the phrase "Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest" from Hebrews 4:11... that it takes effort, to choose to believe in Jesus, to choose to believe that God holds my world in the palm of His hand, to choose to believe that all things work for good no matter what happens to you.

so.




i choose to believe that God is good, He's my ABBA, my provider--

i choose to believe that my accomodation delay is because He is working to find me a great place to stay.

i choose to believe that the delay in my letters and my visa application is because He is crafting a place for me, a position in university.

i choose to believe that He will finance my life - that He is my provider, not my parents, not the scholarship board, not my boss.

...

i choose to believe that He has made me a blessing, and created me for an amazing purpose - no matter how unworthy i know i am

i choose to believe that He has planted me in MOE for a reason, to be an impact in some way for Christ

i choose to believe that He has created a niche for me in this batch of scholars - among people i barely know anything about, among a group of people i feel rather unworthy to be in

...

i choose to believe that He is Lord over my life, by extension my parents' lives

i choose to believe that one day He will restore their relationship, that He is the glue between them, not me.

...

i choose to believe that He is my Savior King, my protector, my healer.

i choose to believe that no weapon that comes against me shall prosper, that i will be safe in London and be happy in Him.

i choose to believe that i walk in the perfect health Jesus died to give me - that the 6/6 vision is coming, that my body is whole and not broken.

i choose to believe that Jesus and me, we make the majority - and He's all that matters.

...

and the war in my head just faded away.


and the email from residence just came saying i got international hall. thank you Daddy. (i guess you call these tears of love & joy)

things of note

1. i'm flying off in exactly 1 month.
2. i went all the way to the visa application office... to find out that UCL didnt send me a letter with enough information - so i STILL haven't applied =(
3. i still have no word from the halls of residence... (they had better give me a place to stay. grr.)
4. i finally got my International Student Identity Card =D although i still dunno what it's good for >.<
5. i spent $177.45 (just in the last two days)... not counting food - of which $73.65 was on stationery 0_o, $60 on lesson/ travel/ processing fees, $43.80 on clothes (if i had done my visa... it would be $317 more. gosh.)

... meh. whyyy the uni so slowww...

my spending power is scary =S and my shopping list is still rather long.. with the rather expensive items left... like earphones (i really don't want to look at my bank account balance. lol.)

art teachers should love them

amazing... cool... idiotic... insane...

...

this rings so true

unfortunately there isn't any full video =(

coincidences

hoho. what's the probablility

walking through citilink towards MRT to find MOE UK pple to have lunch before Brit Council fair... i met (altogether no less.):

1. hweifen, who was walking through towards suntec for service
2. andrea, who was with someone for some rag day thing
3. farrah, whom andrea met... who was walking towards suntec for the Brit Council fair.

then. after walking off and being unable to find the MOE pple i randomly walked back to suntec... macs, and found hweifen and amanda. led by the spirit. haha.


i have been stagnating. i shall stop now. =)
off to feed.

koped from heidi

and unlike her. i've changed... used to be INFJ... although the J was always teetering somewhere around 54% hohum.




... i don't want to sleep... cos it means that i have to face the next day...


... what mad logic is that?...

futility of existence

i can't get rid of this feeling. grawh.

someone give me a kick/ talking to if you know me well enough... if you don't, just pray for me.


lost.



go'way devil. you bore me.

how empty.

all that fuss about the performance (well of course we must have excellence... but that quest for perfection over a 10 min item? and the amount of money spent?)

all that fuss over 'our day'

and in the end it just dispersed.

...


i feel like a well-groomed product of the education system.

-look minister(s), we present to you the newest batch of scholars! look how well the ministry has done, you see, the educational system works. oh yes, look, no problems with the ceremony, didn't we do a good job? *promotion? hint hint*-


blast it all.



[i concede... i got to shake hands with ministers... got to talk to some of them... and to meet various teachers again... but the ceremony just...doesn't sit well with me]

graduation.

i like graduating... unlike many people i know. it's fun to go to a new place, make new friends, do new things. not to mention less baggage.

grad party for JC cluster was yday, barbecue where the coaches cooked and we enjoyed ourselves =P although it seems like my cg ppl were all itching to cook (me included lol.)

but it just felt weird. yeah i'm graduating. but i'm not moving up in cg yet. and everyone there had common topics with various other people... the uni/ orientation/ choosing courses etc. which i know nothing about... so i just listened and did info gathering =S and more or less stuck to my cg ppl.. which i won't be able to do soon. bugger.



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