but i'm back. rather drained... but back.
and thank you... you guys...
junli & eugene... haha you wouldn't know it... but the worship at the park really really made a difference... today would have just been a continuation of yday if not for it.
kenneth, angus, joseph, soph... for talking... even if simply about mundane things... forcing me to think to reply you... think about... other things tt is. though it was painful and hard to talk normally =S.
and andrea... who noticed all the way from spore (though i wasn't online to reply your msg)
and wenling...! i snapped out after talking to youu... =)
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
breathe... comeon...
woke up this morning gripped with despair
so much so that it physically hurt.
so i put on a sermon to listen to...
but the thoughts that continuted to consume my mind were too dangerous
so with the total amount of work done today being 3 pages of reading...
i went back to bed. where at least my mind would turn itself off
and just got up... cos it's not so extreme now that i cannot bear it
what's this pain... for that matter... whose is it...
Daddy... help...
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
~2 Timothy 1:7
help.
so much so that it physically hurt.
so i put on a sermon to listen to...
but the thoughts that continuted to consume my mind were too dangerous
so with the total amount of work done today being 3 pages of reading...
i went back to bed. where at least my mind would turn itself off
and just got up... cos it's not so extreme now that i cannot bear it
what's this pain... for that matter... whose is it...
Daddy... help...
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
~2 Timothy 1:7
help.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
change
it's a viscious cycle this...
get email from mom. general gist of mail: you don't care for us right? cos you don't bother to contact us (meaning, you only talk to us once a week and don't tell us anything). various other similarly phrased statements and questions veiled in the 'so what are you doing now'.
read mail.
be pained.
answer mail as best as i can... which is not very well cos i can't give a good answer to most of the questions... it's not like my life is very happening and stuff.
[maybe i should make this daily template thing. today i went to school, came back, mugged, had dinner, met up with some ppl... tsk.]
feel rather condemned... cos i know i'm so not the guai daughter you want. marvel at your expectations of me... continue being pained - therefore won't talk about life cos i 'know' you won't understand, and i know you'll simply judge my actions.
and then it repeats.
Lord do something.
I can't possibly live these 3 years like this... me hurting them hurting me.
and even more so. i don't want them to live vicariously through me. i want them to live their lives for each other, with each other...
get email from mom. general gist of mail: you don't care for us right? cos you don't bother to contact us (meaning, you only talk to us once a week and don't tell us anything). various other similarly phrased statements and questions veiled in the 'so what are you doing now'.
read mail.
be pained.
answer mail as best as i can... which is not very well cos i can't give a good answer to most of the questions... it's not like my life is very happening and stuff.
[maybe i should make this daily template thing. today i went to school, came back, mugged, had dinner, met up with some ppl... tsk.]
feel rather condemned... cos i know i'm so not the guai daughter you want. marvel at your expectations of me... continue being pained - therefore won't talk about life cos i 'know' you won't understand, and i know you'll simply judge my actions.
and then it repeats.
Lord do something.
I can't possibly live these 3 years like this... me hurting them hurting me.
and even more so. i don't want them to live vicariously through me. i want them to live their lives for each other, with each other...
Sunday, February 24, 2008
i am reminded
that i am loved...
in this circle of friends in London... nothing is the same as back home... every minute, every interaction is unique, new... and oftentimes to me. frightening. cos these are people (well most of them anyways.) who have never seen me bitter, angry, broken. never seen the 'frightened animal'... and i wonder if sometimes i'm not real, that the smile is merely plastered on cos it's expected, that the friendships i'm making now are based on mere proximity. surface relationships. 'hi, how are you?'... 'yah me too! i like ___ too!'.
with every new acquaintance i make... with every new friend, i wonder, 'will this last?' cos at the end of these 3 years in london... that's it. that's the end of this phase. and perhaps, that's the end of the friendship, cos both sides lose contact eventually. these are the friends that i've never shared pain with, friends not in my 'inner circle' so to speak (save the few kindred spirits that have appeared), friends that will move on eventually. and then i wonder, what's the importance of all this... does it matter? do I matter?
but tonight... sitting at the table for the combined birthday dinner w/ joseph and 16 mutual friends, i watched. and i saw bonds that went deeper than common characters, common topics. friendships not initiated by human effort, but people thrown together by God, people who mattered to each other, simply through their existence. and i realised... as the night went on, that this was real, genuine... and at least for this season, God has put these people in my life and blessed me with their existence.
perhaps the friendship 'clique' aspects will never deepen... and most, if not all will never see me fight my battles. perhaps we'll drift away once this season is done... perhaps we won't. but in the here and now. these people are divinely planted. and i do matter.
in this circle of friends in London... nothing is the same as back home... every minute, every interaction is unique, new... and oftentimes to me. frightening. cos these are people (well most of them anyways.) who have never seen me bitter, angry, broken. never seen the 'frightened animal'... and i wonder if sometimes i'm not real, that the smile is merely plastered on cos it's expected, that the friendships i'm making now are based on mere proximity. surface relationships. 'hi, how are you?'... 'yah me too! i like ___ too!'.
with every new acquaintance i make... with every new friend, i wonder, 'will this last?' cos at the end of these 3 years in london... that's it. that's the end of this phase. and perhaps, that's the end of the friendship, cos both sides lose contact eventually. these are the friends that i've never shared pain with, friends not in my 'inner circle' so to speak (save the few kindred spirits that have appeared), friends that will move on eventually. and then i wonder, what's the importance of all this... does it matter? do I matter?
but tonight... sitting at the table for the combined birthday dinner w/ joseph and 16 mutual friends, i watched. and i saw bonds that went deeper than common characters, common topics. friendships not initiated by human effort, but people thrown together by God, people who mattered to each other, simply through their existence. and i realised... as the night went on, that this was real, genuine... and at least for this season, God has put these people in my life and blessed me with their existence.
perhaps the friendship 'clique' aspects will never deepen... and most, if not all will never see me fight my battles. perhaps we'll drift away once this season is done... perhaps we won't. but in the here and now. these people are divinely planted. and i do matter.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
fruitful day!
started off the day waking up at 230am!
all to catch the lunar eclipse... which was supposed to be full at 330am.
all to catch the lunar eclipse... which was supposed to be full at 330am.
some time at 3am wondering where the moon was... and getting bored
inez and chrissie emo-ing in the non-existent moonlight
give money to charity. she is homeless.
an attempt at a photo of the sky at 330 am... with fog and clouds =((
so this is london at 4am! (well russell square at least.)
see the small white speck? that's the moon at 4+am. sheesh.
essentially. i woke up for nothing!! but it was quite the experience with chrissie freezing for 2 hrs with a complete stranger trying to take photos of the rather invisible moon (all the clouds argh.)
so i went back to sleep... and woke up for 9am lecture 0_o... and a looonngg day today... somewhere in between that was a lunch break... where i went on a thing-hunt with my coursemates (christine & hania) and managed to get what i wanted for joseph's present! (haha. cannot reveal yet.)
my coursemate & the super pretty staircase of the store =P 
christine... with the remnants of a fish she found in her rice. met up with wenling around then as well... and she treated me to a muffin for 'lunch' though i fought to pay <3!!>
after that was lab class. which ended late! and i ended up half running back to hall for worship prac which was supposed to start at 5pm -.- late. ugh. we figured out chords... which took longer than i expected... i hope that worship will be worship and not song singing... grace grace man.
had dinner with amelia after that @ hare & tortise *yum. proper food*... then went back to hall where there was tang yuan! and all the goodies that jon kong brought up yday =DD
and... to my surprise... i found out yesterday that he, and sophia were kindergarten classmates! and that melvin's brother is one of his good church friends... and they all go to the same church (s'pore is waaay too small.)
the OG gang in london =)
kindergarten mates! goodness...
so. it's now... 2 inches shorter! *cue applause* i think i still look normal... i hope.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
update!
well... i've still not finished that lab report. but... procrastination!
vday... in the end... was lovely =).
and i really really like the bear <3 *muaks*
(okay that was so uncharity-like.)
but as promised... what i wanted to talk about -->
i was reminded of this as i spent the morning and afternoon of vday mugging... wondering what other couples were doing and wondering about this celebration of love..
so what was i doing on this 'special' day? mugging.
sad eh?
then i realised...
my everyday is spent.
with the greatest lover who knows exactly how to love me the way i want to be loved...
who has an infinite storehouse of gifts and never fails to lavishly bless me every waking moment.
my everyday's a valentine's day
with Jesus the greatest lover of all =)
and it's fully unconditional.
and in this realm... i seem to have taken a step (leap?) into a new season of my life
grappling with new insecurities... uncertainties... learning to trust Daddy God again... learning to trust another person without putting my trust in him...
i'm still confused about many many things... things that i thought were quite clear-cut last time. but things don't quite work the way you imagine them to ya? and since coming to london it's been... one messy 'out of comfort zone' step to another.
i'm learning... over and over and over to put my trust in Him.
-having all the deadlines and activities clashing
-simple favour... talking with people in class... talking to people i feel (felt) i'm inferior to (ie. all the eloquent ang mohs)
-learning to be me. (now this one's tough.) letting myself be me.
-with joseph... and everything related (i'm still completely clueless and trusting God for wisdom and direction...)
and now... there's even more...
i still can't quite believe i did an item for the vday outreach. i used to love performing... then something changed (inferiority complex perhaps?) and i fell in love with sound mixers and lighting boards instead. for the last 5 years i haven't done a single performance where i wasn't just some extra or on the av controls. AND i'm really very freaked out when asked to perform. it doesn't matter when it's just for crazy entertainment (just paiseh a bit)... just that when it's a performance... there are standards which i really don't think i match up to.
but when wenling asked me to sing after i declined organising the vday outreach, i said 'yes' without thinking much about it. and so i went up and i sang (super super super scared. you can hear it in my voice heh.) with angus on the guitar (angus my saviour man... haha covered up for when i forgot bits of the song and stuff). and people say i sounded good 0_o (i disagree... and i don't think i normally sound like that =P not that squeaky anyhow.). oh well. if this isn't grace in my weakness... then what is? and now i'm leading worship for the coming ocf.. which somehow seems a lot easier than performing. maybe cos i'm learning to lean completely on Him instead of trusting my voice and effort... hmmm =).
i've been really blessed... to walk this road... instead of the one i used to follow, holding on to the past that led again and again to the blade. not that there aren't the moments of despair when i'm stuck in that looping movie playing in my mind and forget that there's always my Daddy God to rely on. not that there aren't still those thoughts that are planted by the devil meant for self destruction. but there is hope. a knowledge... an expectation of good things to come... and come they do.
what amazes me... is that even in moments of darkness... somehow when people ask me stuff, i'm still able to share. still able to answer questions and lift spirits. and then as i feed and meditate on the word so i can answer their questions... there is that fresh touch and reassurance from God that keeps me going. and now. again... i'm stepping out of that comfort zone... out of the 'just share with close friends/ family' and going to ocf leaders' celltomorrow today. where there is this distinct probability that i.. unstable that i am... unknowledgeable as i am.. ineloquent that i am... will lead a small group in ocf. wow.
vday... in the end... was lovely =).
and i really really like the bear <3 *muaks*
(okay that was so uncharity-like.)
but as promised... what i wanted to talk about -->
i was reminded of this as i spent the morning and afternoon of vday mugging... wondering what other couples were doing and wondering about this celebration of love..
so what was i doing on this 'special' day? mugging.
sad eh?
then i realised...
my everyday is spent.
with the greatest lover who knows exactly how to love me the way i want to be loved...
who has an infinite storehouse of gifts and never fails to lavishly bless me every waking moment.
my everyday's a valentine's day
with Jesus the greatest lover of all =)
and it's fully unconditional.
and in this realm... i seem to have taken a step (leap?) into a new season of my life
grappling with new insecurities... uncertainties... learning to trust Daddy God again... learning to trust another person without putting my trust in him...
i'm still confused about many many things... things that i thought were quite clear-cut last time. but things don't quite work the way you imagine them to ya? and since coming to london it's been... one messy 'out of comfort zone' step to another.
i'm learning... over and over and over to put my trust in Him.
-having all the deadlines and activities clashing
-simple favour... talking with people in class... talking to people i feel (felt) i'm inferior to (ie. all the eloquent ang mohs)
-learning to be me. (now this one's tough.) letting myself be me.
-with joseph... and everything related (i'm still completely clueless and trusting God for wisdom and direction...)
and now... there's even more...
i still can't quite believe i did an item for the vday outreach. i used to love performing... then something changed (inferiority complex perhaps?) and i fell in love with sound mixers and lighting boards instead. for the last 5 years i haven't done a single performance where i wasn't just some extra or on the av controls. AND i'm really very freaked out when asked to perform. it doesn't matter when it's just for crazy entertainment (just paiseh a bit)... just that when it's a performance... there are standards which i really don't think i match up to.
but when wenling asked me to sing after i declined organising the vday outreach, i said 'yes' without thinking much about it. and so i went up and i sang (super super super scared. you can hear it in my voice heh.) with angus on the guitar (angus my saviour man... haha covered up for when i forgot bits of the song and stuff). and people say i sounded good 0_o (i disagree... and i don't think i normally sound like that =P not that squeaky anyhow.). oh well. if this isn't grace in my weakness... then what is? and now i'm leading worship for the coming ocf.. which somehow seems a lot easier than performing. maybe cos i'm learning to lean completely on Him instead of trusting my voice and effort... hmmm =).
i've been really blessed... to walk this road... instead of the one i used to follow, holding on to the past that led again and again to the blade. not that there aren't the moments of despair when i'm stuck in that looping movie playing in my mind and forget that there's always my Daddy God to rely on. not that there aren't still those thoughts that are planted by the devil meant for self destruction. but there is hope. a knowledge... an expectation of good things to come... and come they do.
what amazes me... is that even in moments of darkness... somehow when people ask me stuff, i'm still able to share. still able to answer questions and lift spirits. and then as i feed and meditate on the word so i can answer their questions... there is that fresh touch and reassurance from God that keeps me going. and now. again... i'm stepping out of that comfort zone... out of the 'just share with close friends/ family' and going to ocf leaders' cell
Saturday, February 16, 2008
okay.
i've things to talk about... but must do lab report. so here's a reminder list until i conquer that introduction. pfft.
everyday's a vday
singing for the outreach - growth
thank You for...
the things to come 0_0
everyday's a vday
singing for the outreach - growth
thank You for...
the things to come 0_0
Thursday, February 14, 2008
hmmm. vday
so it's vday.
sure doesn't feel like it lol. though i actually have someone to spend it with now.
hmmm. so exciting.
but there's this lab report due on monday and i'm writing it up.. bleh
long list of things to do/ be done:
item for OCF vday outreach on friday (i am so freaking out... zz... haven't sung in front of people for a long time...)
cirque du soleil on sat
church, then sing soc CNY dinner on sun
lab report due, leaders cell at night on mon
summarise jounal articles for poster in tutorial due tue
statistics exam on wed
one nice free day thursday... prob worship prac if ppl are free
leading worship on thursday
so many things tt i dun wanna do anything liao =S
heh it really doesn't feel any different from any other day.
sure doesn't feel like it lol. though i actually have someone to spend it with now.
hmmm. so exciting.
but there's this lab report due on monday and i'm writing it up.. bleh
long list of things to do/ be done:
item for OCF vday outreach on friday (i am so freaking out... zz... haven't sung in front of people for a long time...)
cirque du soleil on sat
church, then sing soc CNY dinner on sun
lab report due, leaders cell at night on mon
summarise jounal articles for poster in tutorial due tue
statistics exam on wed
one nice free day thursday... prob worship prac if ppl are free
leading worship on thursday
so many things tt i dun wanna do anything liao =S
heh it really doesn't feel any different from any other day.
Monday, February 11, 2008
roadtrip 01#(with more to come i hope)
just came back last night from a weekend road trip to dorset (planned) + east devon coast(nearby) + exeter (most unplanned, but on the way back).
chuyan and i were the backseat slackers... while the guys stressed out driving. lots of amazing things happened in the trip. renting the car and getting GPS free after saying we didn't need it - and then depending totally on it for the rest of the trip. haha. (totally blessed.) then the 0_o speed limit on the motorways (they were driving at 'only' 170 kmph)... burning the clutch on this really steep slope... etc etc.
so exciting right? oh yah! the car was powered by diesel -- no way of getting this experience in s'pore =D.
chuyan and i were the backseat slackers... while the guys stressed out driving. lots of amazing things happened in the trip. renting the car and getting GPS free after saying we didn't need it - and then depending totally on it for the rest of the trip. haha. (totally blessed.) then the 0_o speed limit on the motorways (they were driving at 'only' 170 kmph)... burning the clutch on this really steep slope... etc etc.
so exciting right? oh yah! the car was powered by diesel -- no way of getting this experience in s'pore =D.
lulworth cove, dorset
the bay @ durdle door, dorset
close-up of the bay
durdle door - marian chong worthy
the sahara? not.
now this. is a shithole.
chuyan and i being bull(y)s
somewhere in swanage in between old harry rocks & the dancing ledge
(angus, nick, joseph)
caves in swanage, dorset
picnic lunch @ chesil beach
made of rocks, not sand
the beach is actually a strip of land surrounded by water!
just do it!
4 'chers and MOE madness @ ladram bay, east devon...
with my 'more than friend' =P
samsons in training...
driving into the sunset
dinner with ian @ exeter (4 'chers and a saforce!)
every bit of it was worth it =D. i just hope we didn't spend more than 60 pounds for 2 days... haven't split the bill yet. lol.
Friday, February 08, 2008
reading slacking week
so i haven't had motivation to do work for some time now...
prolly cos i'm actually staying in london while people are going all over for holidays.
still... dorset this weekend =D beach beach coast coast... rock formations... (haha. the things that entertain us are so different from normal lor.) maybe if we manage to rent a car we can crash exeter for a few hours and say hi to ian. lol.
been half mugging this week... 1 hour mugging 2 hours FMA with sophia (i managed to get her hooked *sniggers*)... general lack of motivation... and planning for the weekend.
hopefully can have another day trip sometime in the week... maybe friday - just so i'm not cooped up in london. hmm.
and tonight was lion king with joseph <3.
man, the set and the puppetry was awesome... and the leaps and stuff were amazing... though the singing left me a strange impression. it seemed like the backup people had better vocals than the main characters... hmmm. but all in all a fantastic night. ma po tau fu dinner.. and good company =).
that aside... i either somehow pulled a muscle at my right hip... or it went out of alignment again. pain. (ugh the walk back from the theatre was like an 'ow' every other step). it had better be fine by sat. i forsee a lot of walking ^^. *pray for it!*
oh yes. happy chinese new year! hehe. (there's so no qi fen here lo.)
prolly cos i'm actually staying in london while people are going all over for holidays.
still... dorset this weekend =D beach beach coast coast... rock formations... (haha. the things that entertain us are so different from normal lor.) maybe if we manage to rent a car we can crash exeter for a few hours and say hi to ian. lol.
been half mugging this week... 1 hour mugging 2 hours FMA with sophia (i managed to get her hooked *sniggers*)... general lack of motivation... and planning for the weekend.
hopefully can have another day trip sometime in the week... maybe friday - just so i'm not cooped up in london. hmm.
and tonight was lion king with joseph <3.
man, the set and the puppetry was awesome... and the leaps and stuff were amazing... though the singing left me a strange impression. it seemed like the backup people had better vocals than the main characters... hmmm. but all in all a fantastic night. ma po tau fu dinner.. and good company =).
that aside... i either somehow pulled a muscle at my right hip... or it went out of alignment again. pain. (ugh the walk back from the theatre was like an 'ow' every other step). it had better be fine by sat. i forsee a lot of walking ^^. *pray for it!*
oh yes. happy chinese new year! hehe. (there's so no qi fen here lo.)
Monday, February 04, 2008
5 minutes to reflect
and i'd thank God for favour.
i've been seeing lots of it lately =) after praying for Daddy God's grace and favour to cover every single day.
suddenly... i can talk to people and have them respond - proper conversations, not statements of work/ status/ weather... small talk
and i've found friends (non-chinese, finally.) through... of all things.. paper crane folding =P... happy, fun, insane, spontaneous people (really miss these kinds of people... there weren't that many in JC)
talking to cafe people... getting bigger portions at dinner... and then all the situations where i'd never normally say a word ... like meeting a singaporean postgrad and talking about stuff while doing laundry (a person i'd never seen around hall before =P)
...
so exciting. =D
i've been seeing lots of it lately =) after praying for Daddy God's grace and favour to cover every single day.
suddenly... i can talk to people and have them respond - proper conversations, not statements of work/ status/ weather... small talk
and i've found friends (non-chinese, finally.) through... of all things.. paper crane folding =P... happy, fun, insane, spontaneous people (really miss these kinds of people... there weren't that many in JC)
talking to cafe people... getting bigger portions at dinner... and then all the situations where i'd never normally say a word ... like meeting a singaporean postgrad and talking about stuff while doing laundry (a person i'd never seen around hall before =P)
...
so exciting. =D
Friday, February 01, 2008
just a thought
lab report introductions... are more difficult than essays i think. urgh.
cos they have to summarise things... and make sense... and draw links... in like 1/3 the word count of an essay. -oh- and you have to be concise and still have people understand you. not to mention make sure all that you're saying is leading up to the experiment you're reporting... and will help you talk about stuff in your discussion.
tsk.
then in the discussion you have to extract all the things you talked about in the introduction and expound on them - as if you're an expert in that field.
man. i need to learn how to smoke.
[i've been writing more than blogging... so posts this season are probably gonna be sparser... but no worries. all the revelations are still gonna go up^^.]
cos they have to summarise things... and make sense... and draw links... in like 1/3 the word count of an essay. -oh- and you have to be concise and still have people understand you. not to mention make sure all that you're saying is leading up to the experiment you're reporting... and will help you talk about stuff in your discussion.
tsk.
then in the discussion you have to extract all the things you talked about in the introduction and expound on them - as if you're an expert in that field.
man. i need to learn how to smoke.
[i've been writing more than blogging... so posts this season are probably gonna be sparser... but no worries. all the revelations are still gonna go up^^.]
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