introspection

you know how the devil tries to tell you that you're not worth it?
and how he tries to steal your joy in the little things in life?

I am the righteousness of God in Christ
I am crowned with glory and honour
His favour surrounds me like a shield
My worth is found in the worth of Jesus

but all that flew out the window when i saw my NIE practicum results. Just a pass. how can? what did i do wrong, i didn't work hard enough etc etc. (happily forgetting that i did get a rather good GPA) and being sad that my overall grade was pulled down to a credit rather than staying at distinction because i didn't even get a credit for my practicum.

it's hard to accept. especially since i found out that majority of the people in my clique got distinctions... 'what's wrong with me? why am i not as good as they are? did i not work hard enough? am i not smart enough?' were just a few questions running through my head when i first saw the results last night and met my friends this morning.

i am sad... that i missed the mark, just like missing my first class honours degree by an overall 1 mark - having my grade hover around distinction but not hit a distinction is just painful and annoying. its even worse when i start comparing to my other friends (the over-achiever classmates i grew up with in my elite school)

but that's me trying... and me forgetting that my worth is in Christ... my life belongs to Christ... God has gone before me and is preparing the way for me... that it doesn't matter really cos He loves me and whatever happens now is simply in preparation for eternity. My success is not dependent on the grading that man gives but on the judgement of God... and He judges me righteous, number one, cos i am in Christ...

"Blessed is the man You choose,
And cause to approach You,
That he may dwell in Your courts.
We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,
Of Your holy temple."
~Psalm 65:4

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly."
~Psalm 84:11

how to preach the bible in less than 5 min

what is brokenness in the face of love?

NIE is over and my life is now chill and empty.... not. but I have time to write about things again rather than just running through all that needs to be done =)

last friday was my last day as a trainee in Rosyth.. and I was so in awe... cos i only taught my kids for 10 weeks, pulled out my hair over their behaviour... said hi to them on corridors, put an arm around a few... scolded them for making noise, marked their work, scolded them for their work, did corrections, broke up petty quarrels... hid in the staffroom to maintain sanity and adult contact. and yet and yet I came away with a large amount of thank-you cards, a couple of very sad faces and hugs. wow.i guess i'm in the right profession after all (and after all the angst over having to come back to singapore to do something i dont really believe in)... if i am able to let these kids know that they're wanted and their existence is precious to me.

i'm sold Lord. haha. You know what's best.


last week up to now has been an incredible journey though. thank God i'm at least freer now to really spend time with God =P.
the lives of the people in my cg have become very 'drama' in the last two weeks - or perhaps the drama has just come to light... with all the emotions being exposed over family, relationships, other issues that people are struggling with. i'm.. at a loss as to how to react/ be there/ support... and to some extent i have a lack of understanding of the pain (or a denial of understanding cos i don't want to delve into my own brokenness and face my own inadequacies)
just this morning one of the girls' cousin passed away - sudden relapse, sudden death. there is nothing that can be said in the face of such grief... cos it's not alright, and it never will be.. and i have to face my own helplessness in the whole situation, cos all we can do is be there and watch and wait. and a wall has come up preventing me from speaking into her life that God has to remove first i think. i am mad though. mad at the devil's attempt to turn us away from God and towards the situations. but i can only pray, that the light of God's victory will be more salient in each and every person's mind rather than the darkness of the world. i can only pray for strength to face the situation, wisdom in my actions and speech as i am in contact with each of them.. and pray to be used.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
~Romans 8:38-39