i just realised that i'm really really afraid of hearing a loud scream around my house... considering that i stay in HDB... well...

maybe being home makes me think more... i guess that's the reason why i go to school to mug.

i'm really afraid that someday i'll come home and find an ambulance like the other time when a maid jumped... or an ambulance and a body bag...
somehow just a scream (one of those long drawn out ones) is enough to bring all the memories rushing back... then i go through the next 5-10 min where my heart starts beating like crazy and on the verge of panic i listen out for the 'splat'...

maybe you'd panic for the screaming person too... i dunno. but i can't seem to get over it sometimes... the sound replays over and over...

and when things like that do actually happen and people tell me about it and try to dissect the reason behind it... i just put a wall up - indifference, knowing full well what it is like to be a person desperate with no reason to live [no matter how insane the reason to seek death may be]... then with a terribly straight face i go 'ah yes' and try to join in the conversation if they're close friends.. or just walk away like i don't care if i cannot keep a lid on the vulnerability

argh. times like these i just wonder if i'm real to anyone anymore... Lord help me.

because i'm boliao and sleepy and wanna try putting up a pic... here's my caregroup in school uniform! try to identify my cg leader... .he was from RJ =)

i'm excited!

today was confimation... there's something big happening. the last few times i opened my eyes during worship, just watching the people surrender completely to the presence of God... there was always this sense of awe, and that it was only the beginning of what God was doing in church. My cgl was sharing some other time that the leaders were blogsurfing andmany youths caught the same vision... of campus reaching new levels - worshipping in the indoor stadium. soo cool!

i've got no words for it... REVIVAL is hitting the church... first DARE then Campus Ministry... and now i feel like it's happening to main service as well. Rev. Col Stringer was preaching in service today to 'Arise' and follow where God leads - and God brings you from glory to glory, to new levels

here's my dream, a vision that came sometime during worship:
- we will see Singapore on the streets praising Jesus - like people do in church, in hillsong concerts - freely and fully comfortable.
the streets, orchard road, and extending onwards was lined with people; people so far away from the stage that they couldn't possibly see what was going on, people so far from the speakers that they would not know what was going on. yet every single person was singing a song of grace, a song of Jesus. and the presence of God just filled the place like never before
- we will see the Singapore media exalt Jesus and send the gospel to the world
the praising in the streets will spread like wildfire; the fire of God would spread to the world

and we all have a place in this... a place in making this happen, a destiny that God has ordained.

it's just so amazing and awe-inspiring. that in all of God's fantastic plans, He made plans for you, not just plans that include you but plans made just for your small insignificant life... a life that is not at all insignificant to God. =)

promises

"this is only the beginning" is what's ringing in my spirit. two souls saved in campus today.. and the last song "awesome God" was powerful - it was a declaration of war against the devil. in singing that song... it was as if we were speaking into our lives, proclaiming good things to come -- and it's only the beginning.

pastor shared about studies today.. was serving at the camera, can't remember much. the gist of it goes:

• study from a position of grace - where you know that Jesus death has paid for everything and that you are given the grace and favour to tackle the exams
• stuff about fear
• [i can't remember!!! no chance to take notes... no verses either. there was a lot about daniel(?) and wisdom]
• and an exam tip => study in cycles of 7 (number of perfection). God rested on the 7th day - so on the 7th hour/ 7th day, commit all that you have done to God, trust that you remember it and go rest!

on another note... did SAT II today... bio chem math. AND THEY ARE OVER!! YAY! heh. did bio mcq in 30 min and wondered for the next 30 min why i managed to finish 80 qus in that amount of time

thank You God for my nice slack day =). now. motivation. mug.

"cg rocks"

or so hwei would say...

i think some people have been wondering why i dont go for all the cg outings.. or even just cg... it's just too painful for fight for it cos my mom digs up the past and throws it in my face.. we came to a compromise, sorta, that i can go for either something on saturday or something on sunday. and yes, i'd pick sunday service over caregroup

yesterday i made an exception - and a good one it was =)
i think... cos jiahao asked directly, and there wouldn't be any chance of going for cg nearer the A levels... i decided to ask... and decided that i would just miss today's service

worship was ... powerful to say the least, somehow i took a very very long time to get into the flow. only after the 5th song (and there were only 6 in total) did i realise the 'who' i was singing about. then God rushed in and took over. there was such an undescribable presence in the house, jiahao and coach andy started speaking over us.. i don't remember what they said and i don't think i really heard them [it was really strange... like i was underwater or something] but my spirit was jumping up and down shouting "YES and AMEN"!

they called for people who wanted acceleration... so i went to catch people first..
then jiahao decided to pray for me suddenly lol.
i guess prayers are private =) but he said somth like "without touching you i can feel the anointing flow over you" and i thought "oh is that what it is?" lol. it was.. warm... then he said "like oil" and i dunno whether he touched me or not (maybe my hair =P) but one moment i was standing, the next i was falling and wondering why in the world i was falling... could feel whoever it was struggling to catch me... heavyweight i am =P

[that was for you, all you people who want(ed) to know what being slain is like]

what happened yesterday.. i never felt before. i was on fire.. it was Hot! Hot! Hot!... and such assurance and love... and... strength was imparted to keep the fire for God burning and... strength to 'give away?' to love people.. so different! that is, from everything i've felt from various prayers...before it was all healing of brokenness.. this was empowerment.

then the message:
it was about the Benjamin generation... -who we are- and to know how to take for ourselves the benefits God has already given.
Benjamin had:
5x the food => bread of God - the word
5x the clothes => that we are clothed in righteousness and are now entitled all the benefits

and ps darren's revelation... tt got passed down through jiahao
"Benjamin is a ravenous wolf;
In the morning he shall devour the prey,
And at night he shall divide the spoil" ~Genesis 49:27

Benjamin is hungry for more - and he eats without having to fight
=> God has fought your battle and what you take from him is according to your hunger - to eat of the 'bread of life' of the word in the day.

the blessings/ benefits that Benjamin had were given to him in accordance to his 'hunger'
=> you obtain benefits from God later - and this is 'spoil' for you need not work for it.

the message opened a whole new realm for me... we'll see where it leads =) i just want to really take hold of it and apply it. i dont know how yet... =P as God leads

after that was the bbq! (i dont know how to spell bbq in english =S) fantastic time of fellowship... lol... jiahao accused me of coming just cos there was a bbq but i didnt know about it until fri night! and i decided to go before that. lol.

in quick succession... cos i cant call this 'prelims'

this little girl smiled at me on the escalator today! and i smiled back =) then she kept turning around to look at me and smile! *so sweet*

i'm not even realated to the girl... never seen her in my life... but she made my day

we know from the Word that God delights in His children... but i doubt it's truly ingrained... it's amazing really, i-the-stranger was happy cos someone else's kid smiled happily at me...

how much more does our Father in heaven love us..

prelims

all my results are finally out! and praise God! not the 4As 2Ds i want but still a blessing =) for the amount of work i put in...

A for bio! [the one and only in class =D makes up for everything man.]
B for physics [i missed A by 2 marks]
B for math [haha i thought i'd get a C or a D or somthing]
C for chem [thought this paper was terribly done... my fault =P]

Bio S.... *drumroll* i got MERIT!!! 25% of bio s population got merit... and no distinctions. even the bio god with initials t.r.e (if you're in bio s you'll know >.<) didnt get a distinction!
[i'm amazed again at how good God is... falling over and over in love with You =)]

Chem S... i got 9.5 out of 60 (such a joke isnt it? someone got 0/60 btw... oops) the highest mark in the level just passed! hehe... maybe i'll get merit for this too

essays

i'm writing my personal statement *sigh*
everytime i read it through... i think... 'well yes, but that's not me'

but how can i possibly write what has made me... well... me?

hello i have been suicidal, nice to meet you too...
hello i was broken, the knife was my friend [or anything else sharp for that matter]..
and God saved me and healed me... and i value everything around me cos i know how easy it is to 'snuff it... giving glory to God is my only purpose [and the best one at that] for living

and the uni will accept me rite -- deranged psycho that i was (maybe they think 'am') pfft.
.
.
.
.
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i don't wanna think about essays for US unis =S
... but therapy seems fashionable over there... maybe being psycho isnt too bad =P... jeanine suggested this essay title "depression and how i dealt with it" - yeah and i have only one sentence for it - God rescued me and gave me a reason to live...
hello __________ i wanna do psychology major 'cos well, 'been there done that', survived 'cos of all the people put in my life to help me get through it... and i wanna be armed to be able to touch lives like they have mine in the future.
grawh.

God give me the grace, the eloquence, most of all the favour to get through this.

men & women's meeting

today was really anointed.... heh.

lunch: with good company with the caregroup - rushed but hey, fellowship is fellowship =)


women's meeting:
pre-meeting was fascinating - they were giving out earrings, doing nails, braiding hair... hehe... i happily stood there and *watched* =)
then there was a makeup seminar 0_o by someone who works in mediacorp and is from the curch... someone who said "now we put on the concealer... but praise God who transforms us from glory to glory, someday we won't need concealer anymore! amen?" *amused*

then came the message - preached by ps chin's wife
in a nutshell i guess i would say it was about esteem: view yourself with the knowledge of the love of God - knowledge that God sees you as his child, and that his love and acceptance is always there. have a Christ-esteem and not a self- esteem - ground yourself in the love of Christ and there will be no more need of that quest to get acceptance from people.


praise & worship nite:
fort canning + stage + strobe lights + much jumping = FUN!
[despite the drops of flying sweat and being coated in sweat that isnt just my own yes]


after:
jem treated the caregroup to ben & jerry's!!!! JEM ROCKS!
we ordered a 'vermonster' i think it's called... 20 scoops of icecream, 4 bananas and sauce and sprinkles =D... and the staff were so happy and enthu tt someone finally ordered it! they all perked up and got out the scoops and a huuuge tub. lol.

then i zaoed early cos it was late... and praise God, i didn't get scolded even though i was supposed to go back by 11 but reached home near 12 instead [my normal curfew is 9 =S which makes it all the more amazing rite?!]


but what i really took home today wasn't the makeup tips... or the message... or the jumping in worship...or even the icecream =P but a fresh revelation of how much God loves me. in the middle of one of the slow songs God just spoke deep down saying "I love you and I have forgiven you. I have forgiven every single mistake you have made, every single one, even the ones that you cannot forgive yourself for. I know the thoughts in your head, the things you cannot ever share." at that point in time i was simply swept away... and i couldn't stop crying heh. spending time with Daddy God is just Awesome (yes the capital A), there's such refreshing and revival in His tangible presence.

Jesus You are my Best Friend - You know me better than i know myself =)
[i am reminded of my first personal encounter with God and a particular camp experience that i wanna share... but... it'll take too long to post =P. lazy larh]