i just realised that i'm really really afraid of hearing a loud scream around my house... considering that i stay in HDB... well...

maybe being home makes me think more... i guess that's the reason why i go to school to mug.

i'm really afraid that someday i'll come home and find an ambulance like the other time when a maid jumped... or an ambulance and a body bag...
somehow just a scream (one of those long drawn out ones) is enough to bring all the memories rushing back... then i go through the next 5-10 min where my heart starts beating like crazy and on the verge of panic i listen out for the 'splat'...

maybe you'd panic for the screaming person too... i dunno. but i can't seem to get over it sometimes... the sound replays over and over...

and when things like that do actually happen and people tell me about it and try to dissect the reason behind it... i just put a wall up - indifference, knowing full well what it is like to be a person desperate with no reason to live [no matter how insane the reason to seek death may be]... then with a terribly straight face i go 'ah yes' and try to join in the conversation if they're close friends.. or just walk away like i don't care if i cannot keep a lid on the vulnerability

argh. times like these i just wonder if i'm real to anyone anymore... Lord help me.