don't think so much

it's strange how a thin piece of metal... or anything sharp for that matter can send shivers down my spine. i don't think it's fear... actually i don't know. it's very strange. i know i'm delivered - from all that which has been plaguing me the last few years... all the fear that i'd have to go through that much pain again... the fear that i'll do myself in

it's difficult to tell anyone anything. considering that it's me... it's difficult to even say anything outside of 'okay' when someone asks 'how are you?' the closest i've come to anything like that was to proclaim that i was still alive. though i guess at that point there was nothing else to hold on to.

how can anyone understand - unless they've gone through something similar - which i wouldn't wish on anyone. EVER.

how do you tell anyone that you were so broken that you felt that you lost your mind, that you had no more soul? Where is that courage for me to be a testimony... that God put the broken pieces together and sealed it up and made it better than it was before.

Where is that courage to talk of the journey... no matter how painful - of the nights whacking the wall in frustration.. of the days in the toilet holding the knife that my mom used to cut chicken bones... of the days surfing the web searching for ways to die... of the nights just crying till it was time to wake up as the quarrels went on and on... as the days passed being burdened to be the best people believed i could be. To speak of how even after i knew God had saved me, the guilt was so much that the knife took its place... and took away hope... and took away emotions, took away happiness.... and built that big wall to prevent anything from coming in to hurt me again... the wall that also hid the damage i was causing myself. within that wall... the skeletons i had so hurriedly shoved into the closet when my life was saved burst out and started beating me on the head.



how do you tell anyone that God has healed your mind and cleaned up your soul and given you joy when the thoughts are still there, the temptation just sitting in your pencil case?



it's just too simple... to just pick up anything sharp and cut again. to feel the blood flowing... to remember to be alive... then the scar to remember the promise i made to keep living.



i am no longer broken... in fact i'm happy... but the devil keeps poking me with thoughts... thoughts to feel the sharp edge cut in one last time... and then the euphoria of doing it over and over and over until i make a mess.... thoughts that slip in in the quiet moments i want to spend with Daddy God... thoughts that enter when i'm not thinking about anything else...

Man. so pathetic.



Jesus... all my fears they fade away
When I see You
When I see You