expectancy

i just had a revelation about my attitude during holidays..
that is... i wake up thinking 'so, what good thing is God gonna do in my life today?'

and here's a challenge to myself...
and probably everyone else as well.

can you face each day like that?
'Daddy God's gonna do something marvelous in my life TODAY. just cos He loves me'

having a good opinion of God, and giving glory (weight) to His promises... rather than the mountain of work sitting on your table... or the exams coming round the corner...

then as you cultivate the awareness of the presence and the goodness of God (instead of the presence of evil - that is the things going wrong in the world)... you begin to see the manifestation in your life

and seeing Daddy in every action every step... just brings such joy.
thank You Daddy for the beautiful weather today.
for my friends, for the strangers i've smiled at today
for the little boy in the row in front in church, whose innocence melted my heart

thank You Daddy that i'm alive.

.

my heart hurts for you my friend...

but it's a road only you can walk
and all i can do is let you walk it...

and pray.

an oath

i promise to put up a blog entry and upload pictures/vids of berlin
but not before i finish studying decision
and not before i finish the essay due tomorrow

and if i can't get round to finishing everything
i promise to put up an entry and upload pictures/vids of peak district as well when i come back


hopefully i'll still remember everything =P


[urgh my room smells... the potted plant dieded while i was away =(]

kuku lah

... the weather can't make up its mind today...

bright and sunny!...
hail!
rain...
snow!
rain...

bright and sunny!...
snow!
rain...
hail!
rain...

and so on. -_-" loll.

been there done that...

seems like posting in the wee hours of the morning is becoming a fad =S

i was thinking about this in the shower earlier..
but when i came back from it i found esther online and talked to her instead of rushing out a post
and then was late for worship prac oops.


here's a thought.

if you've never felt loss...
how could you comfort someone facing it?
if you've never felt pain...
how can you bring comfort? 'i know how it feels'.. no you don't.

what is this thing that empathy is made of...?
the 'been there done that'?

God forbid that people experience the 'been there done that' that i have...
and yet i realise... there and doing that... that the only people who would understand. who could understand, would be those who have experienced it first hand.
and the only way i'd open up about something... would be to have the gut feeling that the person would know what i was talking about and wouldn't think i was crazy
maybe it's something in the eyes - a sense of 'age' and understanding... and acceptance

...

i always say that... without the bad we don't appreciate the good.
if adam and eve didn't make the 'bad choice' in the garden... they probably didn't appreciate the good that they had until they lost it.

but here it is.
perhaps it's not just for appreciating the goodness of God
perhaps... all that i've been through
was for a 'been there done that'... to understand and reach out to others
to know the bad in order to point to the good
to say 'look my life was shit too.. but... ' and point to Jesus
perhaps for a simple 'i understand'
showing Daddy's heart... Daddy's love...

and i guess that's why Jesus came down fully man
so that we know we have a saviour who has 'been there done that'
who understands.

spending time with Daddy

and it felt like camp and camp friends again... angus the cg fren substitute ^^

woke up at 10 am and was inspired to clean my room!
now my table is clear (how rare.) except for my social psyc and memory notes, couple of novels, a notebook added to the usual comp, speakers, lamp, box.

was then inspired to study decision making so i could do my essay asap. but decided to do exam question stuff insted... so i rearranged 5 years worth of exam questions into nice study-able topics to spot =P for two of my modules 'social psyc' and 'memory & decision'

went to skool to print it.. and realised everything was closed cos of easter -_-"
so just trooped down to angus' place to 'revise' songs for worship and get a feel of how he leads.
took 40-50 min to walk there instead of the usual 20 fighting with the oxford street crowd ugh.. and reached at 540pm.

and there. provision! his hall was a ucl hall so it had the printing station! haha. so i got my stuff in the end =)... then was time with Daddy =) going through the songs, leading worship to each other and the walls... lol. time with Daddy =D

learnt alot from this bro man. how to be crazy... servant-ship... leadership... how to 'lead-in' a verse or chorus of a song... to hang out, relax... how to be a friend, perhaps.
and still learning.
funny eh. how God just puts people in your life.
ended up with my first M & S sponsored (aka. expired thrown out food) dinner, watched 'just follow law', taking insane 'school' photos (that felt so camp like man... crazy-image-destroying-photos), chia-ed to macs ice-cream (again.), and got walked back cos it was late. oops.

and while watching show joseph called saying he was outside IH =S oops. sorry joseph! i would have been very surprised and happy if i were in my room in hall =).
as it were it wouldn't have made sense to rush back/ ask him to join us cos it's just not near enough =P
talk about awkward & mis comm ... bleh. oops.

and there has vanished the first day of easter hols!


[lol i wanted to write about what i read... but i guess not]

exams

i'm scared.
i'm scared that i'm scared.
i'm scared that i'm scared that i'm scared.
...

feels like a crash is coming. plummet. stomach drop. splat.




oh sod it.
Your grace is sufficient for me.
i'll hold on to that.

pontang!

haha here i am ponning the first lecture in my life! [i'm so guai right?! loll.] but honestly... this lecturer ah.... can spend 30 min on one slide, whizz through the rest... and then not finish the lecture... and i don't think i've learnt much from her -_-

so instead i'm camping out at the comp to do my lab which is due wed *panic*... first time i've left a lab till so late to do. but in the end i'm still here on blogger typing out this post XD.
highlight of today... getting my bible back from angus =P and going to eat a happymeal (*yay* the last time i had one was when i was... 8 i think. haha) two full grown kiddies oops.

i think labs make me more reflective... simply by virtue of me having to sit down and stare at a blank comp screen and fill it with words. and then there's procrastination and blogsurfing induced. lol.

and so i was reading jofid's blog and was really blessed by her post:
If God is love, and if He ceases to love you, He ceases to be God...


and a couple of other random thoughts floated through my mind:
-i'm really blessed... to know the people i do, to have these people as my friends
-do i make a good friend? i do wonder that. (and most times i don't think i make a good friend... i take things for granted too easily... the other half of the time i lose sight of Daddy i become this hermit/ recluse lol.)
-do i make a good daughter? (i don't think so... though i guess i'm something my parents can be proud off. sorry... though you'd never see this... haha. i think i make you tear your hair out over me. then again i do that over you, so i guess we're quits. lol)
-do i make a good christian? (haha this one i don't really bother replying myself. answer = no... but God's grace is enough^^)
-along with the old stuff that i shelved cos there were too many things to do... trust, time, love, expectations... will probably revisit them once all this work is done


and i guess at the end of it all, no matter what problem or question... the answer is Jesus ^^
being transformed from glory to glory in His image


and a spirit of expectancy
to expect good things of Daddy God =)
-still learning to remain a child in His presence-

[edit] i went to the 12pm lecture... and found a notice on the door saying that the 11am lecture was cancelled. so effectively i still haven't ponned school! go me! [/edit]

easter outreach

yay. it's over... and it was fulfilling =)
i'm glad i got the opportunity to make a vid again...
even better tt it's for His glory

so here's well... what can be defined as the tarnishing of disong's reputation (cos disong was acting the prodigal son)




made 3 vids in somth like 3/4 days... but the rest were using unoriginal clips so i didn't upload to youtube... isnt nice to kope other pple's work... esp since i 'borrowed' some timelapse footage (*salute those pple who bothered to put the cam there and watch over it man*)

how bizarre

in 30 min i would have been awake for 24 hours...

so i watched the sun set... watched the streetlights go out... and watched the sun rise
(the bloody sun raises at 6am now 0_0)

cos i was inspired and was just chionging the editing of disongs' -riches to rags- prodigal son experience lol.

well. i do have something to show for it. the vid's nearly done! with just a couple of things i'm not satisfied with (then again i don't have enough footage to work with... or angles... since i was only filming the more basic moves rather than cut-aways and stuff) and fitting the music to go...

yay.

satisfaction =D

now i can go sleep lol. (i'm functioning at dunno what country's time... and i'm still terribly awake, despite sleeping 4 hrs the night before this... strange.)

how apt.

Living on my own
Thinking for myself
Castles in the sand
Temporary wealth
Walls are falling down
Storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes
Here I am again

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go
And holding out my hand
Daddy, here I am again
Will you take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I dragged Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun
Drags me into one more day
Of reaping what I've sown
Of living with my shame
Welcome to my world
And the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince
The next day you're a slave


['prodigal' by casting crowns: the song i was making a vid to for easter outreach... a vid which didn't have anything to do with the song... but hearing it so many times... i realise my heart screams this over and over each time i hit a rut and run away]

easter

i'm reminded of why i joined video ministry in the first place...
and of the dreams that i seem to have forgotten
of the visions i have seen...






--searching for clips for what i'm making for easter outreach/ to refresh my memory of how the editing software works for the other vids i have to make... awesome

courtesy of the angus

and the related link from it that i found...

aiyah. i have so many things to talk about but no timeee...

issues upon issues...
but i've been tasked to make video for easter outreach *is happy*
just that all the deadlines are at the same time *not so happy*
everything else... on hold for now.
sorry skeletons... shove you in the closet and close the door first k?

twwennyy!

this is belated cos i've been writing up my lab (as usual).
20... interesting. now my mom can't call me 'teen' in cantonese anymore... (it sounds like the word for 'crazy' btw.)

so my birthday in london was amazing.(with me realising that gosh. me - living - matters. and that i've been alive for 8 more years at that.)

and so this is a thank you... to all of you who were involved =) and a recount... so that i more or less get to mention everyone lol.

---

birthday began a day early. lol. with a call from home at 12 midnight singapore time! (which happened to coincide with the EEG experiment so it was a little strange to talk -.-)

then after tt with joseph and a posh restaurant =D!

starter: fried chicken wings £5.50, sotong bakar £8.00
main: kangkong £6.50, curry ikan £15.00, beef rendang £14.00
dessert: teh tarik £3.50 (craving fulfilled!), roti tissue £6.50 *drool*

okay there was a discount. but omg ex! (for the sporeans reading this... multiply the prices by 3 to get the dollar equivalent...) anyhow cherie was v. happy & filled with good food.

and so we went back pretty late... 11ish... where i was wondering why he was in such a hurry ..
and then.
i got my door pounded upon at 1145pm 0_o
and was greeted by a cake! (cool!! haha none of the planned surprises worked before..)
thank you: xni, weiqi, soph, mel, chrissie, elsie, faith, ame, junli, eugene, last but not least joseph (duh.)the knife sticking out of the cake kinda looks like a giraffe no?

...

then birthday day really came... and it was kinda spent... going for lectures, rushing out the poster due the next day, doing lab, and rehearsal for easter outreach. lol. how normal. (so far my birthdays tend to be on test days or av rehearsal days -.-)

not so normal. was getting jioed & treated to lunch by wenling and rosemary! yay. gbk rocks... burgers with 1 inch thick patties =) *drool*
and being wished 'happy birthday' by quite a lot of people from psyc. (probably cos of the fbook notifications. but still.)... sorry cannot list... haha i can't rmb who already =P

and after the rehearsal and all was dinner with joseph... which wasn't planned... but nice anyway. time's always good no? =)

thanks guys!

...

and the day after the birthday:

treated to lunch again! at a korean place... which serves you in huuge bowls as you can see.
thanks to: xni, disong, mel, soph, meif, angus taking the pic... and gordon who zaoed cos he was guai and didn't pon lecture =P

...

presents for the year:

from soph & mel:

from chrissie & inez: (most useful!)

from angus, kenneth, minshin, jason, gordon: (coolness! didn't know angus was gathering information when he was asking man.)

and this HUUGE paper star from christine my coursemate... who cut foolscap longitudinally and stuck them together to make a long strip... then folded a star. gosh. (i was floored when she threw it at me in lecture)
the early stuff from jon when he came over...
ruth-panz... who sent a card and a book from the US... with blobbies!! ruth is a blobby genius. that she is.

best present would be joseph's tho... little book of... memories. i'd say =)

...

even so. presence is better than presents. =)

so thank you all for remembering...

via msn: kenneth, angus, jon kong, mat, kelly, andrea, francis
via sms:jason, gordon, wenling, joyce, evelyn (psyc), wei chao, inez, evelyn (taiwan)
email: charlotte, michael
facebook: all 59 of you... you know who you are lol. it took close to 2 hrs to reply everyone

it's been. waaaaaay more exciting that it would have been in spore.
surprising, amusing, filling (a lot of food man.)...
still.
a tad bittersweet.
cos for once there wasn't a - heidi, andrea, izzy, hweifen.
or a arrow video ministry...
or a caregroup...
or the parents (with a big sloppy kiss from daddy).

i'll live for the here and now tho. and the now is pretty awesome =)

i just earned £33!

for 3 hrs in an EEG experiment...

before sticking...
while sticking...
last leg!

and so i washed my hair 3 times today... haha.

deaths

i just realised... reading a friend's blog that it would make... 3... or 4 for that week. last week.
different ppl all facing the same thing at once in their families...
what's this...?

a series of disjointed thoughts

what's this?! haha it looks quite gross in the picture... but it's dragon's beard candy in london! and omg the price was exorbitant... 5 pounds for 2 boxes.. ie. 5 pounds 10 pieces = 50p per piece = $1.50 per piece!
-.-" but i got it anyway to try and share.. ohwell.


--


i finally put my finger on that... quality that guys i really like hanging out with have...
which incidentally is a quality i think all guys should cultivate.

the instinct to protect.

i say instinct... cos well. i think God put it in... Adam had dominion. he wasn't a wuss... and i don't believe it was ever a case of continual 'eve... help....' - there are very clear gender roles in the bible regarding the family (i think i'm stepping on a lot of toes by saying this man.)

but where is that spirit now? buried under lies of 'gender equality?' (i know i know, not politically correct at all... but tt's just me)
... where's that instinct to jump in and be the hero? [and who better to be a hero to than a damsel in distress. haha] don't all little boys dream of being a superhero? where has that instinct gone?

created in every girl i think... is a knowledge of that... which girl doesn't want a knight in shining armour? i'm probably... one of the more guy-ish girls you'd get (melvin says i'm as low maintenance as it gets. lol.)... i do actually like doing stuff myself - but i appreciate it when guys offer... or when they step in and help... or give way for something or another. even more so in the spiritual sense... to step in and take authority over the situation... to pray against/ pray for...

hmmm.


---


I shall not die, but live,
And declare the works of the LORD.
~Psalm 118:17

it's been ringing in my spirit this week...
and it's different this time. in the past, i'd bold 'shall not die'... you know... the resolution to stand my ground.. to survive the situations that hit.

this week though... i'd bold 'live' and 'declare'.

to live... to have life... to breathe life... to bring life.
not merely to exist.
and living through His rest... i declare His existence and all that He has done for me.


---


ah yes. finally i get round to today's thought.

so. talking about home and of things left behind.
i was saying... that the only thing i've left behind are people.
my room as i know it is gone.
my stuff cleared out so my parents can use my room as an office.
most of my stuff is here in london anyway.
church as i know it has changed. leaders, ministry, cg... etc.
people have changed. (perhaps earlier i should have said 'relationships' left behind instead of 'people')

interesting that it's so easy to pack up and call some other place home.

home's the here and now...
home's where the heart is.
and my heart's with Jesus.
and He never changes.


---


and i've 9am class tmr... and a rather packed week... more later!

I want to go for HM camp!

can someone.. anyone tell me how to procure a place from halfway around the world?

i need to book plane tix etc etc tooooo. rawr.

[to zzz: um... first of all. lol. who you? but the trick lies in listening carefully! hehe]