being real

there is no such thing as 'one day i shall be like Jesus' like it's some level of progression thing... or some 10 steps to improvement... there is no 'oh he's a leader, God must hear him more than me, he has more faith'...

as much as you can say 'oh i know blah blah already' as much as you can quote bible verses, proclaim the word of God, do things for God... there's still so much more. and it is definitely not true when you say 'oh i'm over that struggle' cos the flesh is weak...

as much as i can say 'Daddy loves me' there are still so many areas where i simply miss the point. and i would have thought it'd be over by now, the wrestle with insecurities, with expectations, with cutting (yes indeed. the thoughts still do come... my body still remembers the exhilaration and yearns for it...) don't i know i have been saved? yeah i do. don't i know that Jesus is all that i need? yeah i do.

but i need to know Him, implement it... make it mine... be real with the person, not memorise the doctrine.

we were singing in worship today 'You are my freedom, Jesus You're the reason' and after a few times 'freedom' was sung... it dawned on me that i haven't been excercising it.

since coming back home it's been 'aiyah cannot la... parents...' 'cannot... no sing dollar' cannot this, cannot that... and probably not because it's really impossible but that there's no spirit to fight..
spirit of defeat - that things won't change/ can't change... and so afraid that things would go back to the way they were before... the lack of freedom... getting such a negative response everytime i say i'm going out.. being a hermit at home instead, accomplishing nothing.

i forgot. that whatever change that has happened since london... was His doing. and that i can't undo with my efforts what God does (the same way i can't sin more than His grace can cover). i forgot that all my efforts to change things were futile... nothing changed until He changed me.
i forgot that Jesus is my provider - rising oil costs? pshaw... must work for money to spend in sg? yeah... but He does the providing
i forgot that Jesus is my healer - disobedient eyes... jet lag.. so what?
i forgot that Jesus is my true love - so what if the parents fight? so what if the relationship doesn't work out?

freedom.