identity crisis

i'll be honest - summer brought on a slew of questions one of which was:

who am i really? if i am like 'a' when i'm at home with family... 'b' with people i work with... 'c' with friends from secondary school... 'd' with singaporeans in london... 'e' with the ncc cg.. 'f' with the friends that i don't really have to say much to... 'g' with those i don't really have much to say to... 'h' to my dear atas flatmates... you get my drift.

perhaps i'm only 'me' before God
but what eugene said yday to me in passing was a revelation - even though it's something i 'know' already - that my identity isn't and shouldn't be based on who i'm hanging out with.

it feels schizo - like i don't really have a 'me' cos it's just adapting and adapting and adapting
but maybe it's a gift... this... being able to connect with different types of people

...

and another question - am i being too open?
according to the parents i am too 'me' to people i don't know well enough. i wonder if they're right... vulnerability attracts people somehow - and in a short span of time i've found myself with much favour with the opposite sex. (haha. maybe like i told h eiman... i should try un-praying my grandma's prayer that i'll find a guy quickly in my final year and get married when i get back to singapore) unfortunately in the midst of wondering about this 'openness' business i've probably cut off some people during summer. for that i apologise... esp to those who went from 'knowing me' to 'knowing about me'

i found an answer recently... rather... a label for these thoughts - fear of the unknown.
fear of having more drama... more what-ifs... of potentially leading someone on without realising it (sorry guys... girls aren't so straightforward)... of having to say 'no'... or having my heart say yes etc.

...

and ever so slowly i'm coming to a new-found realisation of a fact that has been preached oh-so-many-times... that my identity is in Christ... that God's in control - or in some circles you'd say 'we serve a sovereign God'

which means i can be 'me'... whatever the 'me' means
that i can be real and present. to be free to make mistakes cos Jesus' sacrifice covers each and every bit of my falling short.. even if it affects other people directly - and to know that for each of those individuals that Jesus is Lord over their life as well. all things work for good. even if what i do may cause pain