raw emotion

the singing teacher pulled something out of me yesterday - amid the nerves ( cos i was singing to her for the first time)...

singing as an expression of the soul. i've always known that... but it never really sank in - or translated to the singing itself cos i'm just so afraid of sounding bad (which then causes me to sound bad cos i tense up and can't sing when i'm scared). i sounded so so so bad yesterday that i went home and cried... cos it was such a waste - and i absolutely hated myself at that moment for not producing what i knew i could... for not sounding as i should

and then it really hit me - that it isn't about me... that it's not about whether people will criticise me afterward (which definitely happens in singing class) but about having expression flow through me - and in context... having God express His love/ our wonder/ adoration through me

fear stops the talents that God has given us huh. i don't have a right to say 'i can't sing' cos God's given me a voice and pitching... and now the ability to harmonise

but this fear of man/ of making mistakes... God really has to remove it... cos He has given me so much - and not just the singing - that i can do with my life... that i can use for His glory that i don't dare to show cos i don't dare to be me/ tend to screw up under pressure. and therein lies the problem - cos it's not me who has to scrounge up the courage and do well under those circumstances but God has to be the one to do the work through me