keep growing.. keep loving

i am struck ... yet again by how self-conscious i actually am, tho people have said that i seem like i dont mind what others think of me

and i'm surprised by how my heart could turn so violently inside my chest...  the depth of emotion that could well up from within and throw my thoughts into disarray




.. all after an edifying time of sharing about what Jesus has done in people's lives... lol the heart is deceitful indeed

emotions come from God

it's hard to remember that sometimes (most times to be honest). it's almost second nature to put my feelings aside for something or another that must be done. or to go back to the old 'default' of denying my thoughts so i won't have to feel the depth of emotion they produce

but God's created us with emotions... and life is meant for us to be fully engaged in whatever we do With Emotion.

if i be smothered by fear (God forbid), then so be it. at least i'll realise that i've forgotten the greatness of God.
if i feel the burn of anger/ jealousy/ hatred - whether turned on myself or others, then i'll realise i've forgotten how precious His mercy is to me
if i be weighed down by sadness/ pain, then i'll realise that it is He who lifts me up, who grieves with me and carries my burdens
if i feel joy... then i remember that He is my strength and He has given me all things
if i feel regret... then i remember that Jesus is past
if i feel doubt... then i remember that Jesus is future

if i feel... then i'll know that Jesus is here with me in the present. with me, now, just where i am, whatever i'm thinking/ feeling.

but i can ask for more

the 'about me' bit on the side of my blog currently says:
 'now alive in Christ, cannot ask for more'
but i just watched this clip from bethel church
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/881/testimonies-healings-and-the-presence/2010/10/06

and i realised... that i need to change that status... cos i can ask for more, so much more! just that i haven't been asking - my view of God just continues to be enlarged.

today i just realised that i've never asked for healing - it has never sunk in that Jesus is my Healer... cos well, it's just you know, the natural way things go. You fall sick, take medication and wait for the annoying symptoms to go away. Or maybe in some cases, you fall sick, take medication and live knowing that it will never go away (like my dad on medication for hypertension and diabetes for the last 10 years). heck... i think to some extent i stopped considering that as sick! it was just 'normal'

but normal isn't the truth...
and normal isnt the way we were meant to live.
healing isn't an option... it isnt a belief,
it's a portion of the truth, a way of life -
God's way of life.

I wanna live in that kinda life, the supernatural kind, where the things of God, things of the supernatural are normal to me, where i see that everything is simply just so and just right in God's plan. where i act just so, and am in line with God's plan.
that i may see miracles as normal, but never become familiar and prideful - that i'll be perpetually awe-inspired and perpetually in worship of His goodness and greatness working in and through me. that Jesus (who is the sole cause that all of this is possible) will be glorified

be swallowed by a fish

how do you think Jonah felt when he was running away from God and finally got swallowed by a fish?

scared? distrustful? unwilling?
complacent? troubled? angry?
probably a dozen things at once

i was reading about Jonah the other day, and i realised that my underlying feelings towards God, His purpose and where my life is going is probably similar to Jonah.

Friends around me have said 'it's a season of preparation'... yeah i know that, and i know enough to trust that God is working all things together for good. but the plan/ dream that God has put on my heart is so great that i cannot even begin to fathom the journey He will bring me through. for that matter, the current journey is scary enough.

i knew my sphere of influence would increase yeah... but not in this way.
i thought... okay, grow as a teacher, take a class, a CCA, impact 80-100 kids in some way or another... learn the ropes of teaching, grow in responsibility over the years.
but God's made it so that the school is overstaffed... and i have practically no teaching responsibilities!  on the other hand i have been into and taught almost every single p5 class in the school, and stepped into about 4 p4 classes, 4 p6 classes. more kids know me than i can count (and more kids remember me than i have bothered to remember) heck. last friday i helped out in an airport trail and this morning some p2s were saying hi -.-" i sure can't see the impact i have on them... but there must be one since they remember me right? (but thinking about it... that's quite freaky... cos there are that many more pairs of eyes watching me - even if they're small-sized)

the thought of more responsibility has been bugging me... though i know that that step is towards where God wants me to go. (it's not really an issue of 'i must perform' anymore though there is still an element of that and the glimmer of fear of not living up to expectations in my heart.) this time it's more of an unwillingness to leave things behind. i think i've gotten too comfortable in Singapore these past few months. London was constantly changing, but life in Singapore has become pretty much routine (and legalistic too lol) Living boxed-in has become comfortable - and stepping out from this familiarity is incredibly daunting.

Familiarity doesn't do anything though... it doesn't last...
aiyah. would that i wholeheartedly trust God, drop all of this and simply follow.

Disguised

wow.

Divine Disguise

For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. – Romans 8:19

The commercial immediately captured my attention. A svelte woman, clothed in an eye-catching running outfit, was striding like a gazelle in and out of neighborhood streets. “Chariots of Fire” type background music bellowed in the background. Her neatly coifed ponytail bounced in step with each of her pavement pounding strides, while a few stray hairs whipped against the current of the morning wind. The beaded glisten on her forehead collected into a single bead of sweat that dramatically ran down her temple towards her chiseled jaw line. Her expression was penetrating. There was no smile and no menacing frown. Just the certain look of determination. She wasn’t gasping desperately for air as if this was her first jog in decades. She was a seasoned runner—powerful, strong, and sure of herself. Her feminine legs and arms were defined and brawny. Indeed, she was a sight to behold: lean, swift, athletic, and beautiful.

The eye-catching commercial hadn’t been coupled with a lot of distracting verbiage. Only at the very end, just when you were on the edge of your seat waiting to see what this ad was all about, did a deep tenor say with passion:

“There’s an athlete among us . . . disguised as a wife and a mother.

 Nike . . . just do it.”

My rubber glove clad hands, holding a dirty cooking pan deep in soapy dishwater, fell motionless. I felt something in me leap. I was a wife and mother, and the image of this woman made me feel like there was potential in me that I hadn’t tapped into. The marketing team at the Nike Corporation had done its job. I was inspired. Suddenly the Chariots of Fire music was roaring in my own head. I saw my short staccato steps that marked my usual jog exchanged for a long lean gallop that would cause people to admire my athleticism. I’d have the same fierce determined expression of this gorgeous woman. My hair would bounce and forehead would glisten just as hers had. I’d be muscular, defined and strong. I’d be able to run miles at a fast pace without gasping for air once. I’d no longer have to stop and walk to catch my breath—no, not me.

I was an athlete who had just been disguised as a wife and a mother.

Friend, you’ve been disguised. What’s your occupation? What do you do everyday? How do you define yourself?

Are you . . .

A wife

A mother

                        An executive

                                    A manager

                                                An Employee                       

                                                            A single woman

                                                                        A ministry director

                                                                                    A friend

                                                                                                A relative

This is not who you are. It’s just your divine disguise.

You are really a Christ-follower who’s been disguised as a _____________.

Fill in the blank.

All of creation is waiting for the Christ-follower in you to be revealed. Never let your daily activity veil the reality of your calling to manifest Christ to the world. Your colleagues, friends, relatives, spouse and children are sitting on the edge of their seats, eagerly awaiting the unveiling of God’s daughters. They want to witness the power of God in us, be exposed to His Spirit operating through us, and experience His grace from us.

So, hear His love song ringing in your head and be inspired in this upcoming new year to come forth and be seen for who you truly are.

Now, is the time.

This is the season.

Just do it.

                                                                                                         

 Priscilla Shirer, Going Beyond Ministries

one of those things I keep forgetting

There's this lie that we all believe from time to time..

You are alone, no one knows and understands what you're going through and no one will care even if you tell them

But remember... Jesus knows the depths of your heart. And he cares for you.