be swallowed by a fish

how do you think Jonah felt when he was running away from God and finally got swallowed by a fish?

scared? distrustful? unwilling?
complacent? troubled? angry?
probably a dozen things at once

i was reading about Jonah the other day, and i realised that my underlying feelings towards God, His purpose and where my life is going is probably similar to Jonah.

Friends around me have said 'it's a season of preparation'... yeah i know that, and i know enough to trust that God is working all things together for good. but the plan/ dream that God has put on my heart is so great that i cannot even begin to fathom the journey He will bring me through. for that matter, the current journey is scary enough.

i knew my sphere of influence would increase yeah... but not in this way.
i thought... okay, grow as a teacher, take a class, a CCA, impact 80-100 kids in some way or another... learn the ropes of teaching, grow in responsibility over the years.
but God's made it so that the school is overstaffed... and i have practically no teaching responsibilities!  on the other hand i have been into and taught almost every single p5 class in the school, and stepped into about 4 p4 classes, 4 p6 classes. more kids know me than i can count (and more kids remember me than i have bothered to remember) heck. last friday i helped out in an airport trail and this morning some p2s were saying hi -.-" i sure can't see the impact i have on them... but there must be one since they remember me right? (but thinking about it... that's quite freaky... cos there are that many more pairs of eyes watching me - even if they're small-sized)

the thought of more responsibility has been bugging me... though i know that that step is towards where God wants me to go. (it's not really an issue of 'i must perform' anymore though there is still an element of that and the glimmer of fear of not living up to expectations in my heart.) this time it's more of an unwillingness to leave things behind. i think i've gotten too comfortable in Singapore these past few months. London was constantly changing, but life in Singapore has become pretty much routine (and legalistic too lol) Living boxed-in has become comfortable - and stepping out from this familiarity is incredibly daunting.

Familiarity doesn't do anything though... it doesn't last...
aiyah. would that i wholeheartedly trust God, drop all of this and simply follow.