twwennyy!

this is belated cos i've been writing up my lab (as usual).
20... interesting. now my mom can't call me 'teen' in cantonese anymore... (it sounds like the word for 'crazy' btw.)

so my birthday in london was amazing.(with me realising that gosh. me - living - matters. and that i've been alive for 8 more years at that.)

and so this is a thank you... to all of you who were involved =) and a recount... so that i more or less get to mention everyone lol.

---

birthday began a day early. lol. with a call from home at 12 midnight singapore time! (which happened to coincide with the EEG experiment so it was a little strange to talk -.-)

then after tt with joseph and a posh restaurant =D!

starter: fried chicken wings £5.50, sotong bakar £8.00
main: kangkong £6.50, curry ikan £15.00, beef rendang £14.00
dessert: teh tarik £3.50 (craving fulfilled!), roti tissue £6.50 *drool*

okay there was a discount. but omg ex! (for the sporeans reading this... multiply the prices by 3 to get the dollar equivalent...) anyhow cherie was v. happy & filled with good food.

and so we went back pretty late... 11ish... where i was wondering why he was in such a hurry ..
and then.
i got my door pounded upon at 1145pm 0_o
and was greeted by a cake! (cool!! haha none of the planned surprises worked before..)
thank you: xni, weiqi, soph, mel, chrissie, elsie, faith, ame, junli, eugene, last but not least joseph (duh.)the knife sticking out of the cake kinda looks like a giraffe no?

...

then birthday day really came... and it was kinda spent... going for lectures, rushing out the poster due the next day, doing lab, and rehearsal for easter outreach. lol. how normal. (so far my birthdays tend to be on test days or av rehearsal days -.-)

not so normal. was getting jioed & treated to lunch by wenling and rosemary! yay. gbk rocks... burgers with 1 inch thick patties =) *drool*
and being wished 'happy birthday' by quite a lot of people from psyc. (probably cos of the fbook notifications. but still.)... sorry cannot list... haha i can't rmb who already =P

and after the rehearsal and all was dinner with joseph... which wasn't planned... but nice anyway. time's always good no? =)

thanks guys!

...

and the day after the birthday:

treated to lunch again! at a korean place... which serves you in huuge bowls as you can see.
thanks to: xni, disong, mel, soph, meif, angus taking the pic... and gordon who zaoed cos he was guai and didn't pon lecture =P

...

presents for the year:

from soph & mel:

from chrissie & inez: (most useful!)

from angus, kenneth, minshin, jason, gordon: (coolness! didn't know angus was gathering information when he was asking man.)

and this HUUGE paper star from christine my coursemate... who cut foolscap longitudinally and stuck them together to make a long strip... then folded a star. gosh. (i was floored when she threw it at me in lecture)
the early stuff from jon when he came over...
ruth-panz... who sent a card and a book from the US... with blobbies!! ruth is a blobby genius. that she is.

best present would be joseph's tho... little book of... memories. i'd say =)

...

even so. presence is better than presents. =)

so thank you all for remembering...

via msn: kenneth, angus, jon kong, mat, kelly, andrea, francis
via sms:jason, gordon, wenling, joyce, evelyn (psyc), wei chao, inez, evelyn (taiwan)
email: charlotte, michael
facebook: all 59 of you... you know who you are lol. it took close to 2 hrs to reply everyone

it's been. waaaaaay more exciting that it would have been in spore.
surprising, amusing, filling (a lot of food man.)...
still.
a tad bittersweet.
cos for once there wasn't a - heidi, andrea, izzy, hweifen.
or a arrow video ministry...
or a caregroup...
or the parents (with a big sloppy kiss from daddy).

i'll live for the here and now tho. and the now is pretty awesome =)

i just earned £33!

for 3 hrs in an EEG experiment...

before sticking...
while sticking...
last leg!

and so i washed my hair 3 times today... haha.

deaths

i just realised... reading a friend's blog that it would make... 3... or 4 for that week. last week.
different ppl all facing the same thing at once in their families...
what's this...?

a series of disjointed thoughts

what's this?! haha it looks quite gross in the picture... but it's dragon's beard candy in london! and omg the price was exorbitant... 5 pounds for 2 boxes.. ie. 5 pounds 10 pieces = 50p per piece = $1.50 per piece!
-.-" but i got it anyway to try and share.. ohwell.


--


i finally put my finger on that... quality that guys i really like hanging out with have...
which incidentally is a quality i think all guys should cultivate.

the instinct to protect.

i say instinct... cos well. i think God put it in... Adam had dominion. he wasn't a wuss... and i don't believe it was ever a case of continual 'eve... help....' - there are very clear gender roles in the bible regarding the family (i think i'm stepping on a lot of toes by saying this man.)

but where is that spirit now? buried under lies of 'gender equality?' (i know i know, not politically correct at all... but tt's just me)
... where's that instinct to jump in and be the hero? [and who better to be a hero to than a damsel in distress. haha] don't all little boys dream of being a superhero? where has that instinct gone?

created in every girl i think... is a knowledge of that... which girl doesn't want a knight in shining armour? i'm probably... one of the more guy-ish girls you'd get (melvin says i'm as low maintenance as it gets. lol.)... i do actually like doing stuff myself - but i appreciate it when guys offer... or when they step in and help... or give way for something or another. even more so in the spiritual sense... to step in and take authority over the situation... to pray against/ pray for...

hmmm.


---


I shall not die, but live,
And declare the works of the LORD.
~Psalm 118:17

it's been ringing in my spirit this week...
and it's different this time. in the past, i'd bold 'shall not die'... you know... the resolution to stand my ground.. to survive the situations that hit.

this week though... i'd bold 'live' and 'declare'.

to live... to have life... to breathe life... to bring life.
not merely to exist.
and living through His rest... i declare His existence and all that He has done for me.


---


ah yes. finally i get round to today's thought.

so. talking about home and of things left behind.
i was saying... that the only thing i've left behind are people.
my room as i know it is gone.
my stuff cleared out so my parents can use my room as an office.
most of my stuff is here in london anyway.
church as i know it has changed. leaders, ministry, cg... etc.
people have changed. (perhaps earlier i should have said 'relationships' left behind instead of 'people')

interesting that it's so easy to pack up and call some other place home.

home's the here and now...
home's where the heart is.
and my heart's with Jesus.
and He never changes.


---


and i've 9am class tmr... and a rather packed week... more later!

I want to go for HM camp!

can someone.. anyone tell me how to procure a place from halfway around the world?

i need to book plane tix etc etc tooooo. rawr.

[to zzz: um... first of all. lol. who you? but the trick lies in listening carefully! hehe]

tired

but i'm back. rather drained... but back.

and thank you... you guys...

junli & eugene... haha you wouldn't know it... but the worship at the park really really made a difference... today would have just been a continuation of yday if not for it.

kenneth, angus, joseph, soph... for talking... even if simply about mundane things... forcing me to think to reply you... think about... other things tt is. though it was painful and hard to talk normally =S.

and andrea... who noticed all the way from spore (though i wasn't online to reply your msg)

and wenling...! i snapped out after talking to youu... =)

breathe... comeon...

woke up this morning gripped with despair
so much so that it physically hurt.

so i put on a sermon to listen to...
but the thoughts that continuted to consume my mind were too dangerous

so with the total amount of work done today being 3 pages of reading...
i went back to bed. where at least my mind would turn itself off
and just got up... cos it's not so extreme now that i cannot bear it

what's this pain... for that matter... whose is it...
Daddy... help...

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
~2 Timothy 1:7

help.

change

it's a viscious cycle this...

get email from mom. general gist of mail: you don't care for us right? cos you don't bother to contact us (meaning, you only talk to us once a week and don't tell us anything). various other similarly phrased statements and questions veiled in the 'so what are you doing now'.

read mail.
be pained.
answer mail as best as i can... which is not very well cos i can't give a good answer to most of the questions... it's not like my life is very happening and stuff.

[maybe i should make this daily template thing. today i went to school, came back, mugged, had dinner, met up with some ppl... tsk.]

feel rather condemned... cos i know i'm so not the guai daughter you want. marvel at your expectations of me... continue being pained - therefore won't talk about life cos i 'know' you won't understand, and i know you'll simply judge my actions.

and then it repeats.

Lord do something.
I can't possibly live these 3 years like this... me hurting them hurting me.
and even more so. i don't want them to live vicariously through me. i want them to live their lives for each other, with each other...

i am reminded

that i am loved...


in this circle of friends in London... nothing is the same as back home... every minute, every interaction is unique, new... and oftentimes to me. frightening. cos these are people (well most of them anyways.) who have never seen me bitter, angry, broken. never seen the 'frightened animal'... and i wonder if sometimes i'm not real, that the smile is merely plastered on cos it's expected, that the friendships i'm making now are based on mere proximity. surface relationships. 'hi, how are you?'... 'yah me too! i like ___ too!'.

with every new acquaintance i make... with every new friend, i wonder, 'will this last?' cos at the end of these 3 years in london... that's it. that's the end of this phase. and perhaps, that's the end of the friendship, cos both sides lose contact eventually. these are the friends that i've never shared pain with, friends not in my 'inner circle' so to speak (save the few kindred spirits that have appeared), friends that will move on eventually. and then i wonder, what's the importance of all this... does it matter? do I matter?

but tonight... sitting at the table for the combined birthday dinner w/ joseph and 16 mutual friends, i watched. and i saw bonds that went deeper than common characters, common topics. friendships not initiated by human effort, but people thrown together by God, people who mattered to each other, simply through their existence. and i realised... as the night went on, that this was real, genuine... and at least for this season, God has put these people in my life and blessed me with their existence.

perhaps the friendship 'clique' aspects will never deepen... and most, if not all will never see me fight my battles. perhaps we'll drift away once this season is done... perhaps we won't. but in the here and now. these people are divinely planted. and i do matter.

fruitful day!

started off the day waking up at 230am!
all to catch the lunar eclipse... which was supposed to be full at 330am.

some time at 3am wondering where the moon was... and getting boredinez and chrissie emo-ing in the non-existent moonlightgive money to charity. she is homeless.an attempt at a photo of the sky at 330 am... with fog and clouds =((so this is london at 4am! (well russell square at least.)see the small white speck? that's the moon at 4+am. sheesh.

essentially. i woke up for nothing!! but it was quite the experience with chrissie freezing for 2 hrs with a complete stranger trying to take photos of the rather invisible moon (all the clouds argh.)

so i went back to sleep... and woke up for 9am lecture 0_o... and a looonngg day today... somewhere in between that was a lunch break... where i went on a thing-hunt with my coursemates (christine & hania) and managed to get what i wanted for joseph's present! (haha. cannot reveal yet.)

my coursemate & the super pretty staircase of the store =P
christine... with the remnants of a fish she found in her rice.

met up with wenling around then as well... and she treated me to a muffin for 'lunch' though i fought to pay <3!!>

after that was lab class. which ended late! and i ended up half running back to hall for worship prac which was supposed to start at 5pm -.- late. ugh. we figured out chords... which took longer than i expected... i hope that worship will be worship and not song singing... grace grace man.
had dinner with amelia after that @ hare & tortise *yum. proper food*... then went back to hall where there was tang yuan! and all the goodies that jon kong brought up yday =DD

and... to my surprise... i found out yesterday that he, and sophia were kindergarten classmates! and that melvin's brother is one of his good church friends... and they all go to the same church (s'pore is waaay too small.)

the OG gang in london =)

kindergarten mates! goodness...

and then the highlight of the night... after all the cny goodie eating things died down (bak kwa in london whoo!)...

so. it's now... 2 inches shorter! *cue applause* i think i still look normal... i hope.

hmmm i need wisdom.

i shall shut up and listen.

update!

well... i've still not finished that lab report. but... procrastination!

vday... in the end... was lovely =).
and i really really like the bear <3 *muaks*
(okay that was so uncharity-like.)
but as promised... what i wanted to talk about -->

i was reminded of this as i spent the morning and afternoon of vday mugging... wondering what other couples were doing and wondering about this celebration of love..
so what was i doing on this 'special' day? mugging.
sad eh?

then i realised...
my everyday is spent.
with the greatest lover who knows exactly how to love me the way i want to be loved...
who has an infinite storehouse of gifts and never fails to lavishly bless me every waking moment.
my everyday's a valentine's day
with Jesus the greatest lover of all =)
and it's fully unconditional.

and in this realm... i seem to have taken a step (leap?) into a new season of my life
grappling with new insecurities... uncertainties... learning to trust Daddy God again... learning to trust another person without putting my trust in him...
i'm still confused about many many things... things that i thought were quite clear-cut last time. but things don't quite work the way you imagine them to ya? and since coming to london it's been... one messy 'out of comfort zone' step to another.

i'm learning... over and over and over to put my trust in Him.
-having all the deadlines and activities clashing
-simple favour... talking with people in class... talking to people i feel (felt) i'm inferior to (ie. all the eloquent ang mohs)
-learning to be me. (now this one's tough.) letting myself be me.
-with joseph... and everything related (i'm still completely clueless and trusting God for wisdom and direction...)

and now... there's even more...
i still can't quite believe i did an item for the vday outreach. i used to love performing... then something changed (inferiority complex perhaps?) and i fell in love with sound mixers and lighting boards instead. for the last 5 years i haven't done a single performance where i wasn't just some extra or on the av controls. AND i'm really very freaked out when asked to perform. it doesn't matter when it's just for crazy entertainment (just paiseh a bit)... just that when it's a performance... there are standards which i really don't think i match up to.

but when wenling asked me to sing after i declined organising the vday outreach, i said 'yes' without thinking much about it. and so i went up and i sang (super super super scared. you can hear it in my voice heh.) with angus on the guitar (angus my saviour man... haha covered up for when i forgot bits of the song and stuff). and people say i sounded good 0_o (i disagree... and i don't think i normally sound like that =P not that squeaky anyhow.). oh well. if this isn't grace in my weakness... then what is? and now i'm leading worship for the coming ocf.. which somehow seems a lot easier than performing. maybe cos i'm learning to lean completely on Him instead of trusting my voice and effort... hmmm =).

i've been really blessed... to walk this road... instead of the one i used to follow, holding on to the past that led again and again to the blade. not that there aren't the moments of despair when i'm stuck in that looping movie playing in my mind and forget that there's always my Daddy God to rely on. not that there aren't still those thoughts that are planted by the devil meant for self destruction. but there is hope. a knowledge... an expectation of good things to come... and come they do.

what amazes me... is that even in moments of darkness... somehow when people ask me stuff, i'm still able to share. still able to answer questions and lift spirits. and then as i feed and meditate on the word so i can answer their questions... there is that fresh touch and reassurance from God that keeps me going. and now. again... i'm stepping out of that comfort zone... out of the 'just share with close friends/ family' and going to ocf leaders' cell tomorrow today. where there is this distinct probability that i.. unstable that i am... unknowledgeable as i am.. ineloquent that i am... will lead a small group in ocf. wow.

okay.

i've things to talk about... but must do lab report. so here's a reminder list until i conquer that introduction. pfft.

everyday's a vday
singing for the outreach - growth
thank You for...
the things to come 0_0

hmmm. vday

so it's vday.
sure doesn't feel like it lol. though i actually have someone to spend it with now.
hmmm. so exciting.

but there's this lab report due on monday and i'm writing it up.. bleh

long list of things to do/ be done:
item for OCF vday outreach on friday (i am so freaking out... zz... haven't sung in front of people for a long time...)
cirque du soleil on sat
church, then sing soc CNY dinner on sun
lab report due, leaders cell at night on mon
summarise jounal articles for poster in tutorial due tue
statistics exam on wed
one nice free day thursday... prob worship prac if ppl are free
leading worship on thursday

so many things tt i dun wanna do anything liao =S
heh it really doesn't feel any different from any other day.

roadtrip 01#(with more to come i hope)

just came back last night from a weekend road trip to dorset (planned) + east devon coast(nearby) + exeter (most unplanned, but on the way back).

chuyan and i were the backseat slackers... while the guys stressed out driving. lots of amazing things happened in the trip. renting the car and getting GPS free after saying we didn't need it - and then depending totally on it for the rest of the trip. haha. (totally blessed.) then the 0_o speed limit on the motorways (they were driving at 'only' 170 kmph)... burning the clutch on this really steep slope... etc etc.

so exciting right? oh yah! the car was powered by diesel -- no way of getting this experience in s'pore =D.

lulworth cove, dorset

the bay @ durdle door, dorset

close-up of the bay

durdle door - marian chong worthy

the sahara? not.

now this. is a shithole.

chuyan and i being bull(y)s

somewhere in swanage in between old harry rocks & the dancing ledge
(angus, nick, joseph)

caves in swanage, dorset

picnic lunch @ chesil beach

made of rocks, not sand

the beach is actually a strip of land surrounded by water!

just do it!

4 'chers and MOE madness @ ladram bay, east devon...

with my 'more than friend' =P

samsons in training...

driving into the sunset

dinner with ian @ exeter (4 'chers and a saforce!)

every bit of it was worth it =D. i just hope we didn't spend more than 60 pounds for 2 days... haven't split the bill yet. lol.

reading slacking week

so i haven't had motivation to do work for some time now...
prolly cos i'm actually staying in london while people are going all over for holidays.

still... dorset this weekend =D beach beach coast coast... rock formations... (haha. the things that entertain us are so different from normal lor.) maybe if we manage to rent a car we can crash exeter for a few hours and say hi to ian. lol.

been half mugging this week... 1 hour mugging 2 hours FMA with sophia (i managed to get her hooked *sniggers*)... general lack of motivation... and planning for the weekend.
hopefully can have another day trip sometime in the week... maybe friday - just so i'm not cooped up in london. hmm.

and tonight was lion king with joseph <3.
man, the set and the puppetry was awesome... and the leaps and stuff were amazing... though the singing left me a strange impression. it seemed like the backup people had better vocals than the main characters... hmmm. but all in all a fantastic night. ma po tau fu dinner.. and good company =).


that aside... i either somehow pulled a muscle at my right hip... or it went out of alignment again. pain. (ugh the walk back from the theatre was like an 'ow' every other step). it had better be fine by sat. i forsee a lot of walking ^^. *pray for it!*


oh yes. happy chinese new year! hehe. (there's so no qi fen here lo.)

5 minutes to reflect

and i'd thank God for favour.

i've been seeing lots of it lately =) after praying for Daddy God's grace and favour to cover every single day.

suddenly... i can talk to people and have them respond - proper conversations, not statements of work/ status/ weather... small talk
and i've found friends (non-chinese, finally.) through... of all things.. paper crane folding =P... happy, fun, insane, spontaneous people (really miss these kinds of people... there weren't that many in JC)

talking to cafe people... getting bigger portions at dinner... and then all the situations where i'd never normally say a word ... like meeting a singaporean postgrad and talking about stuff while doing laundry (a person i'd never seen around hall before =P)


...


so exciting. =D

just a thought

lab report introductions... are more difficult than essays i think. urgh.
cos they have to summarise things... and make sense... and draw links... in like 1/3 the word count of an essay. -oh- and you have to be concise and still have people understand you. not to mention make sure all that you're saying is leading up to the experiment you're reporting... and will help you talk about stuff in your discussion.

tsk.

then in the discussion you have to extract all the things you talked about in the introduction and expound on them - as if you're an expert in that field.

man. i need to learn how to smoke.

[i've been writing more than blogging... so posts this season are probably gonna be sparser... but no worries. all the revelations are still gonna go up^^.]