at the end

of the year of new beginnings...

and new beginnings it has been, from restoration last year to the new me and growth in God this year.

it's been slightly over a year since i started blogging, and somehow it's become simpler to talk about the inane to people i don't know... as always, 31 december is the time to read back on past journal entries and reflect and ask God and expect the blessings for the next year. only this time on this blog... it's gonna be public for people to see.

i've grown... much more than i thought this year

from thoughts of 9/2/07
revelations of God's love... 10/3/07
revelations of myself in Christ 12/4/07
and the turning point where i was free to share 18/4/07

growing from a dependence on church services 14/5/07 to learning to seek Him on my own, moments of His presence, on the bus/ in class/ in my room
revelations of growth 13/6/07... and learning to learn to trust in Him and begin to walk in it
the uni/ scholarhip application process, the pain/ stress etc.

the decision to come to london..
learning to hold on to dreams, to hold on to pomises even when all the applications went wrong...
16/8/07 - catching a glimpse of what faith really is

then facing a completely new world in london
new friends... new relationships - thank God for you all.
then what just happened not long ago in dec where i lost sight of God's provision and began to worry about my decisions, my work... seeking assurance and finding none... wondering how come my dreams, my hopes were not being realised... why i didn't seem to have anyone to really talk to... stuck in my mind with the same movie playing over and over.

and then where i am now...
looking back with a new realisation of what it really means to trust in God... what it means to say 'the joy of the Lord is my strength', getting strength from the knowledge that Daddy God delights in me and wants to spend time with me - not focusing on the circumstances.
and a new appreciation of being cared for - hope and appreciation for the parents as i realise the difference in security when i'm with them

life is a sinusoidal curve really...

with child-like vision... and ultimate trust in God...
come the moments where i capture that
life is awe-inspiring. every word, every image, every person is just such a blessing from God.

and when i lose that
the darker moments where my thoughts are like headless chickens running around my head


2008.
will be a year of blessings, of favour.
a year of greater revelation of Jesus.

i choose to believe that i will impact lives, not just be a passing friend
i choose to believe that He guides my every step
i choose to believe that He holds my future
i choose to rest.

i'm baaaack!

in london. (actually yday. but lazy to do anything, much less post)
and probably in other ways as well.

photos from switzerland... didn't get to tour much cos it was christmas and we had all sorts of family dinners and such to go for. but fabulous food cooked by my 6th grandaunt (i put on 1.5 kg 0.o) and just hanging out with the parents... playing with snow... ice-skating with cousins (and my granduncle who is 78 and skates waaay better than me)

chocolate football 0.o
granduncle and the real live christmas tree!
table decor in my aunt's house
the base is bark picked up from the forest... believe it or not
3 little ducklings i once knew... fat ones skinny ones just like you =)
the river of zürich at night their graveyards are super neat...
christmas tree with real candles!
homemade christmas cookies! einsiedeln (the benedictine einsiedeln abbey), snow, and my 6th grandaunt
more snow shot from a car window

and my mom was so fascinated by snow... that she prayed for it to snow in zürich. and it did when it wasn't supposed to!!

didn't get to go skiing in the end... but it was fun nonetheless. and i brought back 1kg of chocolate i think =S

because of inertia to do work and boxing day sales
i went shopping and got:

a long coat - the halfway formal kind 29.90 instead of 49.90
a handbag (look i've graduated from bagpacks!... not quite) - 10 instead of 20
a fleece jacket - 9.99 instead of 24.99

blessed.

my Daddy God is a 'more than enough' and the 'more all that we can ask or think' God =)

now i've got a 50% linguistics exam to study for, a lab report, 5% german test, notes to make... oof. in 10 days =S.

but i give it to You... You're Big BIG BIGGER and can do so much more. no use worrying =)

and as for all the other things, thank You that even if i get myself into trouble by my mistakes/ impertinence, even as i don't know what i'm blundering into, Lord You protect me from harm and make me bigger than the situation.

amazing creatures they are...

parents. that is.

their concerns they talked to me about... were surprisingly... the same as mine... astute observations indeed. i applaud.
perhaps that just shows that i've become more mature and think along the same wavelength as grownups... hmmm.

i don't give them enough credit i think. -parents lor. never understand me one.- (ah. here i can be as ungrammatical as i like.) you'd say that after a tiff... but take away the anger/ bitterness/ irritation/ ignorance... and you find in these two people a wealth of experiences - memories of pain & wisdom... and a heart that wishes to shelter you from it. (annoying though that is... esp with overprotective parents like mine.)

--

maybe it's london... hehe. and i'm being treated like a grownup =)

so we've been whizzing around london these 3 days. sort of. tube-ing everywhere on a 3-day pass... i must say we made the most out of it. lol.
watched 'the woman in black' just now. fantastic! two chairs, a trunk, a coat rack, two guys... and a lady playing a ghost... who managed to captivate the audience for two whole hours... gosh. (okay lar... their lighting design was pro... hidden rooms and all that... a door that blended into the wall unless the light was shining on it... backlight on a split black.. props behind that...) nothing flashy like what you'd get at a musical... but awesome. very subtle hints... use of shadows... got the audience screaming along... haha. worth the money man.

tmr shall be the brit museum... school and shopping - and then frantic packing to go to switzerland. gah the holiday's disappearing so fast!! and i haven't done the notes i wanted to do... too tired after the touring =P

let's see... spirits

i was planning the itinerary for the parents... who are coming to london today... and in the midst of it thinking - omg so expensive for all the tours and food and stuff.
then i realised (probably the holy spirit prompting lol.) suddenly... that money has been kinda governing my life in london.

let's not go out - very expensive
when treating people - omg... i can't believe i paid that much
when buying things for others - hmmm. lets see... 5 pounds will do...

but. is not my Daddy God my provider?
what is this spirit of poverty...
generosity is out of the fullness of the spirit - God has given me so much, so much is my portion as His heir... He is my provider, no matter what the circumstances say... and then you're able to spend, to give =)
[of course... don't be spendthrift as well la.]

i dunno which church to sow into still... so i haven't been tithing... but it will come =)

...

and who in the world have i been this term... going into lectures/ seminar group and being a mouse...
or simply talking to people and being serious... un-high, silent... un-me (or being the old me... as it were)

spirit of inferiority?
not good enough to be seen/ heard... not cool enough to be noticed...
malu la... no one will accept me if i'm siao.
or simply because i don't fit into the culture... i'll drink... have fun... but no i'm not going to go out clubbing/ partying (cos i'm too guai lol. and i don't enjoy it)... and therefore do not make as many friends, or have crazy stories to talk about... or have random topics of discussion.

but i've got God on my side...
isn't that more than enough support to be me?

hmm... i seem to have forgotten that.

life. this is it. =)

simple?

Beholding Your beauty
Is all that I long for
To worship You Jesus
Is my sole desire
For this very heart
You have shaped for Your pleasure
Purposed to lift Your Name higher

Here in surrender (because i cannot make it)
In pure adoration
I enter Your courts
With an offering of praise
I am Your servant
Come to bring You glory
As is fit for the work of Your hands

Now unto the Lamb
Who sits on the throne
Be glory and honour and praise
All of creation resounds with the song
Worship and praise Him
The Lord of lords

Spirit now living
And dwelling within me
Keep my eyes fixed (this is my prayer)
Ever on Jesus' face
Let not the things of this world
Ever sway me (unfortunately(?) that includes you. us..)
I'll run 'til I finish the race



let's see... what was that again...? keep my eyes fixed ever on Jesus' face.
how true. first, receive... make whole this broken vessel... fill it with oil.. take of His anointing.
and out of the overflow. give.


i hope i'm not just a novelty. not just an excuse to prove to yourself who you are
cos it won't work if that is true. and i'd like it to. but in the end it doesnt matter... cos my security is in Daddy God.

provision

i woke up this morning at... 730 thinking... eh why am i awake? class is at 10.

so i went back to sleep.

then i woke up at 830... and realised... that i have German class at 9am

so.

i panicked... dressed... freaked out... was almost ready to go... picked up my phone

and found a text from my German teacher saying that she couldn't come in for class today.

and collapsed on the bed laughing and crying at the same time.. (check it out. charity's hysterical) lol.

look my child, all things work for good. I got you 1 more hour's sleep... and you're in time for breakfast!

[i was torn between smacking the holy spirit (well i couldn't do it even if i wanted to) and being amazed by God's provision. lol.]



i'm holding on... love this song =)

somthing you don't really want to know

the wax that has been rattling in my ear finally came out today! gross.


[ok that was just stupid hehe.]


--

i'm back to normal... sort of. i don't think problems have been resolved... but at least on my part i've resolved to lean on Him. not flailing around anymore. but that doesn't mean the pain has gone away...

bah. relationships are complicated... i so agree with Paul:

But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am (haha. ie. single.); but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
~1 Corinthians 7:8-9

you know what they say on library books: take good care of me, i am only a book.
i say: take care not to break me, i am only human.

i'm reminded of somth someone said once... we humans look for sources of error.
if you're not wrong... then i'm wrong... and i don't want to believe that - so i'm angry/ bitter/ whatever
or with my kind of personality you'd get guilt - maybe i've done something wrong... i probably have...

but neither work... and neither help in any situation.

say:
God i trust in You to resolve it. i choose to believe that You are the author and finisher of all things. if there is something wrong, Lord You do a work, correct me, transform me from the inside out... or if it isn't me, Lord shed light on the situation - be the transformation.

and let it go.

christmas outreach

today's the day...
to sing (after so long)... to be a vessel... to show the love of God
and i can't even master up the will to get myself out of bed. pathetic.

did you know ... you're the only one in london who can completely break me?
and that's why i'm so afraid to let you completely in...
cos a bit of me is still looking at you and not Christ
and that bit is just empty... lost... and breaking the rest of me
i know you can't fulfill me. but still.

stop it. baka. stop being depressed.

charity can't talk about being small and alone in london... can't talk about the bloody rain... can't talk about expectations.. can't be withdrawn for a moment cos this ang moh world will sweep by and consume her.

charity has so many friends on FIRE for God.. so many who are so pure and sufficient... out there and doing things... and charity cannot match up... she wants someone to point her to Christ... wants (no. needs.) a fresh revelation of the love of God

charity wants a hug. wants an arm around a shoulder... wants an 'it's okay... i understand' instead of a 'why don't you do this instead'...
but charity is afraid of rejection. and doesn't dare take that step.
and charity is rather afraid of herself... cos she, when broken, is able to do some rather destructive things.

but charity is a new creation is she not?
and charity is loved by Jesus.

so charity will be fine.

but at the back of my mind it goes on and on and on... 'you see... you're at it again... how lousy... call yourself a child of God.' and again... 'it's your own fault for letting someone in' and again... 'hah. so much for reigning in life'

glass.

from coach maddy's blog...



在我恐惧害怕时
在我困难中
我会呼叫耶稣

耶稣必定会救我!
我会信靠耶稣!

and thank you... heiman and jem =)

request

pray for me.

my mind is a mess. no details for now tho.

DAAADDYYYY... =(((

i dowan do work already...
i wanna go church camp...
i miss Youu... where You?


-ah what the heck am i doing.-

indescribable

awesome. simply awesome...

i actually bought today's message =P

man... that guy has a BIG BIG revelation of Jesus.









spiritual high... whee!

chicken

i realised... that i have been sinking back into the past me for some time now since coming to London. invisibility is somehow easier to deal with.

but. *growl* i don't want it to be that way.

bloody difficult to be my friend rite? i'm there a moment... and then i'm gone... you can't find me, and i won't let you in... how to develop any good friendships like that... [that silent almost invisible person in class... pathetic.]

dumdumdum. time to stop all this outward activity and receive... get back to myself again... stop looking back.

hmm. the courage to put my heart out there for the world to see. man. i need a revelation.