christmas outreach

today's the day...
to sing (after so long)... to be a vessel... to show the love of God
and i can't even master up the will to get myself out of bed. pathetic.

did you know ... you're the only one in london who can completely break me?
and that's why i'm so afraid to let you completely in...
cos a bit of me is still looking at you and not Christ
and that bit is just empty... lost... and breaking the rest of me
i know you can't fulfill me. but still.

stop it. baka. stop being depressed.

charity can't talk about being small and alone in london... can't talk about the bloody rain... can't talk about expectations.. can't be withdrawn for a moment cos this ang moh world will sweep by and consume her.

charity has so many friends on FIRE for God.. so many who are so pure and sufficient... out there and doing things... and charity cannot match up... she wants someone to point her to Christ... wants (no. needs.) a fresh revelation of the love of God

charity wants a hug. wants an arm around a shoulder... wants an 'it's okay... i understand' instead of a 'why don't you do this instead'...
but charity is afraid of rejection. and doesn't dare take that step.
and charity is rather afraid of herself... cos she, when broken, is able to do some rather destructive things.

but charity is a new creation is she not?
and charity is loved by Jesus.

so charity will be fine.

but at the back of my mind it goes on and on and on... 'you see... you're at it again... how lousy... call yourself a child of God.' and again... 'it's your own fault for letting someone in' and again... 'hah. so much for reigning in life'