christmas away from home

and it's with relatively new people...
it's gonna be fun... hehe i'm gonna attempt to cook sambal sting ray tmr! pray that it turns out well... and then gonna do apple crumble (the last time i did it was in home economics class gosh.) which hopefully will turn out yummy for the potluck christmas dinner =)

i miss you guys back home tho...

the people i spent >20 years of my life with

you people i grew up with in skool...

the old cg - man... this was the first photo i ever put up on my blog... wow... and we grew older (and hopefully wiser) together - i don't really have more recent big grp photos oops.

you people who hide behind laptops/ vid cams in the back with me

who made me get to know the people who hide behind sound boards/ pretty SLRs... and the people who set up all the 'cool stuff'

.

.

.

and there are sooo many more of you guys that i wish i could see this christmas!

this one for example. loland this one... heh

and wow. i miss these things too! (and filling up the whiteboard with em)

haha that was quite disproportionate i think... friends keep flooding in... and they're such a blessing =) haha. so many till i cannot keep contact liao. and in that sense - paiseh guys... i do treasure every moment we had together (however fleeting...), regret quite a few lack-of-moments together, wonder at potential moments...

...and wanna wish everyone a very blessed christmas! =)

leech

man i realised that i'm really super dependent on friends here in london...

life is so much more interesting when everyone's back from their holidays
there go my mugging plans *waves*... oops.
but at least it's productive slacking now =P

humans are social creatures...
you go mad if you're left alone for more than two weeks. serious. it's proven in some psycho paper... i studied it last year (and i forgot the reference. lol..)

gosh but this dependency is quite scary... =S
christmas is almost here! woohoo!
i am incoherent... i shall shower and go study for a bit

small and hiding at home

i spent the last 4 days (no. actually since i handed in my essay) beating myself up for not studying when i should be - after all, the purpose of not going anywhere in the first two weeks of christmas break was to take the time to study. and the more i thought about studying.. and how i wasn't studying... and how i should be studying.. the less i felt like doing anything. and so i wasted a lot of time (and not even productively... like going out... or enjoying whatever non-study thing it was that i was doing)

then yday night just one major question was ringing in my head.
why am i so conscious of studying...?

which stemmed into a barrage of thoughts & self talk

why do i study? where's my purpose in studying... am i just thinking about it and doing it because i am afraid i won't get the grades? am i afraid that i'll fall further behind? but who calls the shots here in my life...? who else but my Daddy God... and i know He has plans for my good... for my future - why then am i so afraid? why do i trust my schedules and plans... why do i fear when the goals are not met... why do i fear the time i take off to do other things
... indeed for what reason am i trying to study this holiday?

and then there was release (and i actually feel like doing my readings now..) cos i realised that at the root of everything... i was just being controlled by fear... fear of not doing well in the exams cos of 'not putting in enough effort'. kinda stupid though? since in the end it's Daddy God who controls my future... everything so far has been through doors He's opened... and He gave me the scholarship, so He'll give me the grades to maintain it - to surpass expectations - and to set me on track for where He wants to use me.

and Daddy was the one who put me in London. so i'm gonna enjoy it =) no use worrying that i'm not having enough fun/ not doing enough work/ spending too much time alone when He's in control anyway... and He's SO much BIGGER then me!

jack of all trades...

hmm gosh. i look at some of my friends blogs... and i wonder where my life is heading.

people who are passionate abt photography are off taking pictures... fantastic ones
the geeks are off testing new items... / learning how to use new things
the musicians are off making music... gigs...
dancers are dancing - as half a career

man.

so i dabble in a bit of all the above... and some video.. sound..
where does my passion lie i wonder... and why do i not chase after it...?

instead... what i'm doing?
reading psycho stuff... lol. (and it's for work... not particularly exciting.)
how practical. heh.

brudders

i'm bored... kind of... waiting for a good time to go to the post office when there won't be an insane queue... but i don't wanna start any work (and i haven't done any since term ended!) so i'm blogging again!

here's a kind-of-belated post... and a tribute to the guy buddies i have.
the photos really amuse me =P hehe. so 大哥 and 二哥 enjoy.. lol.

so we went to prague at different times but came back with rather similar photos -.-"

from left to right: 大哥,二哥,小弟

and both guys have carried my 'man bag' of their own volition (angus... dun have your pic leh)

and the rest of the pics are to make 大哥 emo...

we ate at sakura without you...aww =(

[edit] hmm i should do a 'sisters' post too... but then rite... we have no group photos!! haha the last one was from sec 3?0.0 and now we're in diff bits of the world... haha. man i'm missing too many people too much =P [/edit]

chillax...

hm. things to do this holiday:


1. my readings... + do that MADLAB worksheet for the class i missed
2. finish the psycho version of the 12 days of christmas song
3. make the cheesy vid that's been swimming around in my imagination
4. go for christmas markets =)
5. go ice-skating with some ppl
6. watch a musical (man i'm so deprived this year!!!)
7. (just so i end nicely) sleep alot & think more... heh

last day of skool... 2 hrs ago

so i finally have some time to breathe... and blog.
gosh it's been such a whirlwind of activity i've hardly had time to think... and my blogposts have all become lists. goodness - what a far cry from what i started this blog for!

as for what i've been busy with... well here's the vid i made -blood sweat tears... and staying up till 7am in the morning the day before the event to finsh it.


and a vid of the rehearsal =) ( ... the person who videoed the actual event on my cam took it on timelapse!!!! omg.)


...

today... someone told me that their first impression of me was 'oh this girl quite strong one... can bully (meaning tease i think) her'

wow.

i tell you i see only the fluctuations... the instability.
the small in-the-corner-under-the-table moments...
the brokenness.. the insecurity...
the desperation... crying out to God from just looking at. well. life.

that must mean that what he's looking at is Jesus...
the Jesus-transformed-me...
man. what a far cry it is from who i was just 2/3 years ago...

.
.

these two weeks have been insane really... so many things on my plate... that at any point in time that i forgot that it wasn't me who was doing the work, the world would just crash down.

just take yesterday for example. lol. i took a nap... and woke up feeling condemned like nobody's business. cos i realised... that i had finished all the work for the term and there was nothing left to do.. yet at the same time i realised that i couldn't see the point of doing any of the things i had done. i've lost contact with people... been so busy in OCF that i haven't really had time to talk to people... i've 'lost' many of the things we did together last year... and a term has come and gone. (esther asked me on msn 'how's life in london? more and more blessed?' and i was just stunned... cos i realised that i haven't been really cherishing it... but just going about life.)

been so busy doing things... not spending enough time on the 'correct' things like work... not spending enough time feeding on the word - simply dry... and overwhelmed by emptiness. looking forward to being the only one at home next week... and yet dreading being alone - knowing the amount of reading i've yet to do that i want to catch up on. the amount of things i've been doing that i wish i could just drop (but yet not drop)... the amount of things i still need to do... and yet not wanting to do anything.

lol. talk about being confused.

.
.

and yet... Daddy's been so awesome...
the grades for my essays - done in half the amount of time i took to do an essay last year - were all good... surprisingly so.
i got a first for my first lab - done in quite a rush again...
my small group is holding together... somehow...
i'm heading the worship team & leading bible study on alternate weeks... somehow
i'm settling groceries and cooking and chores every week... somehow
i actually have a bunch of close ang moh friends (and we're doing a LOT of work together for labs... somehow)

how's it possible? i don't know. it's not me.

[i'm still that small girl hiding in the corner... waiting for someone to reach out a hand and save me]

...

shall endeavour to enjoy myself more... hehe ...
time to chill. spend time with my Best Friend... find my stability again.

i miss all of you guys back home... gosh. i really took for granted the encouragement, the openness... the safety. <3.

on video and AV

Q: why do you bother.. when no one sees?
A: cos Daddy God's watching... and He's proud of me.


okay. i slept till 3pm today and skipped classes again (gosh i really should stop doing this for OCF things)... now to fight that condemnation and do my essay... hm.

i'll post the vids up soon! once i'm done with said essay =)

heehee

i was searching for pics to put in the vid and i found this!



i'm probably violating some copyright by putting this up though... but man... ingenious... brings new meaning to being rich... hee =)

the vid stands at about 2min30s done... and i'm going to finish at least the easy bits tonight this morning

oh man

Jesus keep the pieces together... glue or something... more and more bits are breaking this week

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

at this point in time, i've absolutely nothing left to offer

-stats exam tmr... trust tt HS will teach me everything and bring to rememberance all that i've studied
-the vid stands at 44s out of 5min done
-the projection for prayer & praise on friday is not done... gosh i haven't even read through the songs properly
-haven't confirmed the logistics for sunday
-making lab materials in free time on monday
-running the pilot lab on tuesday
-essay due on wed (that i have no idea how to do...) that i haven't even read up on

and alone at night it's just so overwhelming. i do believe my mind the devil is beginning to play tricks on me again

help me let go Lord... focus only on You...

what rubbish =P

okie... so i have to do a vid for christmas outreach in the end... gosh.
at least it's a verse + images/ clips type thing that goes with the skit... pretty simple... only that i have to find the clips and images... go me. i think something from scratch with actors might be easier lol. then i wont spend hours trying to find some photo with some particular angle at some particular size and quality that no one has uploaded. tsk.

spent the whole of yday after church looking for verses for the thing. hope it turns out nicely =)

...

God is amazing... tt's all i have to say

me + procrastination = can never finish work until the day it's actually due.
i may write up bits of it but i'll never finish the whole thing at one go

still...
me + God = different story
i actually finished writing my lab report in 2 days... somehow.
so it's done! and i only have the essay to think about =D well. that and the stats exam.

it's really true you know... you spend more time with Daddy... He multiplies your time left to do work with (in my case i became more efficient lol. waaaay more efficient)... and that time is way more blessed than it was before =).

i have survived...

one of *those* weeks.



Daddy... Jesus... hold me and never let me go...

right-o

i am supposed to be doing work...
therefore i am blogging (again.)

i just took 1 1/2 hrs to clean the kitchen + corridor by myself! i feel accomplished... and i think we need to set a new house rule to sweep the kitchen twice a week -.- yucky...

charity is really tired...
and somewhere in between healthy and sick
and beginnining to think it's somthing of a spiritual attack
1x nose that's acting up + scratchy vocals... when OCF christmas outreach is coming up
oh and there's a lot of work (but there's always a lot of work lol.)
i do believe my spirit's broken - probably yday's fault. tsk.

=(

but actually really blessed... with good friends..
with my walk with Daddy... i must say bashing through the passage every week with the Holy Spirit on my side is really uplifting... though time consuming
and work's been really smooth. blessed - my first counted grade came in... 72 for my 1st lab report... done under high pressure with all the OCF commitments. God is faithful. no?

more crazy schedule ahead (night events & deadlines):
1st dec - leaders cell
4th dec - stats test
5th dec - prayer & praise for OCF
7th dec - christmas outreach
8th dec - leaders cell
8th dec - 2nd lab due
10th dec - 3rd essay due

man... i really really need to feed... can pengsan just looking at what i have to do.

OCF retreat 2008

we arrived at sunbury court on friday night...
and that's when the stress started (no i'm not kidding.) haha. cos i was backup for hannah who was worship leading... and i had to set up the sound stuff and projection stuff and all... while people were milling around waiting for things to begin =P. a good start to the camp though... cos i really didn't want worship to end once it began... Daddy was there =).
then there was some admin stuff.. some icebreakers and intro to the speaker... and we were done for the night - except that we ate supper, didn't go to sleep and played kempt... and the ninja game (check out the vids!)

the survivors

saturday... was a Beautiful Day

again though... as worship I/C... and one of the head cooks i was chionging around. but it was really blessed... cos it was a chill-chiong... if that makes any sense. i wasn't worried about stuff, just did everything (and there was A LOT of stuff to do). worship prac and projection in the morning, then went off to prepare lunch for 2 hrs... (really paiseh that the two groups helping had to miss the session)... then it was lunch and serving lunch... and doing random things on the field haha... then it was more worship stuff for the afternoon session, then when people went to play games it was prac for the night session... and then when everything was over it was prac for the sunday session! lol. by the end of sat i got to do some crazyy things... like at 3am in the morning lol. extended worship, some sharing... and well.. bob. hehe

i say my cartwheels are the prettiest! lol but based on the competition i'm the slowest lah.

albert my saviour! haha who helped drag huge baking trays out of the oven for me and who could actually tell when things were cooked so i could go settle worship stuff yuchian the other backup singer for eugene... yay 3 part harmony =) take #01: bob the big taboo guy forgets his lyrics

take #05: bob the big taboo guy doing an impersonation of kermit the frog

sunday... chill day, kinda. once the session was over it was just clean-up... and taking photos... and more random things... talking to the speakers (so cool lah... to be 80 and sharp!) and having to pack up the ton of electronics i brought to retreat for the projection stuff. heh.
valerie the speaker's wife

what did i take away from it? a lot i guess.. in the way of serving out of rest. the speaker was really good i must say... though i didn't quite agree with some of what he said - all in all well fed *mmm*

...

that said... i had the most shitty day today -.-"
woke up early to condemnation for some reason (perhaps cos i intended to do work even earlier but didn't??) and it was to the extent that destructive thoughts were swimming around my head... horrible. i think i might have succumbed at some point if i had gotten up =S

therefore.
i went back to sleep...
and skipped all my classes today...

and woke up to a different kind of condemnation... cos it was by choice that i skipped lessons... and it wasn't even to do work... therefore i could hardly bring myself to do any work... though i really needed to.

wahlao... talk about a lousy day...and gosh the power of guilt =S but now reaching the end of the day... i'm back to chill mode... not really caring about work (after 1 prayer, 1 hr of talking to Daddy, some cui guitar playing & worship)

guard my heart... indeed.
from never forgetting that Daddy's the one in control... who prospers my studies... and it's not about what i do or don't do.

day 5 - prague (5/11)

started off the morning with a slow-ish breakfast... packed our bags and checked out of the room (awww.) then left to find the dancing building... where we were inspired to take strange photos!

er... i thought in dance it's supposed to be one guy and one girl... they coordinated colour by mistake.. therefore it was worth a shot, since the building was a girl and a guy too =Pthe two flower girls -.- reminds me of chinese dance daysanother ballet position attempt: everyone's carriage very ugly tho.

after that was a long walk to the shopping belt... (and i actually bought something lol. amazing right?) prague... was seriously pretty... we just kept stopping to take photos with random buildings. i think the whole style of prague makes for very nice photo compositions!

i really wanna try absinthe one day... =P
fake blue skies - by my camera colours... cos jilyn was saying her sky was nicer than mine... roses are red =) i love this photo! and it inspired everyone to take an emo shot (take 1 failed cos gordon was smiling)

we spent the day wandering around the area... and went to some cafe off the main street. food = good! very good in fact, they had a platter thing to let people try all the kinds of pudding (bread, bacon, potato) with various forms of meat (roasted, cured, stuffed) yummy *drool* and lunch took uh... 2 hours haha.

after lunch was more shopping! we wandered around and found this market type belt of souvenior shops... and cos they didn't have a real shop the prices were quite a bit cheaper! heh... had to change more money, calculate the money so we wouldn't have too much left over, calculate again to make sure we had enough for the train to the airport, calculate again cos people needed to get dinner -.-" haha. dinner was chinese food (better than london. again. tsk.) and then we were rushing off to the airport to catch the flight home.

we bought tic tac... to get rid of cents! lol my zi pai has improved!
tsk gordon... dun bully girls leh
gordon says: i love prague!
time to k.o.
and before we know it we're back in london =)

satisfied? very.

...

and i realised i had to rush out the holiday posts cos this weekend is OCF retreat... and there'll be more photos to post! (hopefully i won't be too busy coordinating worship).

my week's been crazily busy... no time to think... just do work, do admin stuff, settle av for worship stuff, talk to people... fulfilling though. and interesting... that in leaving all the OCF stuff i have to do to Daddy, it's really quite chill though i'm managing a lot of things and people.. and rather effective & efficient too! hmmm... now the next challenge is to do that with life. pray for me to have a revelation of that regarding school... hehe. next up is christmas outreach... in which the week coincides with the dates of my stats exam, one essay, and one lab report. go me.

day 4 - prague (4/11)

so we reached prague at an ungodly hour... and spent a fair bit of time trying to get to the hostel. managed to get on the metro to the right station... whereupon we took 6 escalators (or more) up and down cos there weren't overground crossings and we were simply confused. still we found the place... and the room we were given was huge! (awesome start to the day!)

one of the many escalators we went up (and down) on

boys hard at work: navigation
girls hard at play: slackers
the first half of our room (with 2 beds, toilet and a kitchenette)
2nd half of the room (5 beds... and a dining table)

we dumped our stuff... and took a well-deserved shower. woohoo! (the train cabin was sooo hot! we were sweating and mark was smelling like mark... ya... well. i actually opened the train window outside the cabin and left the door open for 30 min waiting for the room to cool down =S) then headed out again for the walking tour mark booked.

vintage car!!!! *drool*the town square
the famous astronomical clock (which i couldn't figure out how to read)
'x' marks the spot where someone died... and they all died at the same time 0_o
gunpowder tower... deserves some army pose.
london?
cubism architecture!... rox lah.

oho. i was kuku here (at the river). i tripped over this bit of pipe sticking out of the ground... and then while stumbling out of balance, slipped on a bit of rock, protected my camera (by twisting sideways), stuck a hand out (which slipped too) and landed splat on my side... in the order of - hand, elbow, shoulder, hip, knee... basically sprawled out. ugh. unglam. at least lunch was almost right after and i got to wash up... tsk. ohoh. ya we ate chinese food! and it's better than london's food by far!

ghost of christmas past? (don quixote)
patronised this shop... it was kind of like a cinnamon sugar roll thing... yummy =)we got bored waiting for the guide... and compared legs... guess who's jilyn and who's huixuan!
enormous birdcage + bird?

when the tour ended we just stayed in the area taking a multitude of photos... goodness... i think we spent 1 hr doing nothing but take photos... i must say prague is one of the prettiest places i've seen... some amazing architecture! it's kinda like italy with a different style... and a very laid-back feel. awesome.

gordon attempting the 3rd arabesque attitude... and looking like... i dunno.
emoness... i love the way the benches and the windows go together
more giordano shots!
gordon requested an emo shot... amazing
don't do it mark! life still has meaning!
heh... red stripey guy with red camera...

we tried to look for a museum of miniatures to no avail... we only found the toy museum... so... well. another wrong guide book thingy of the trip. so we took more photos! haha. and decided to go shopping before dinner as we walked past a lot of souveniour shops during the walking tour.
dinner was pretty amazing... goulash and bread pudding... among other things *drool* - from this cafe/pub place recommended by one of the shop keepers. awesome... (awesome enough that we didn't take any photos! too hungry and too yummy lol.) though the waiter was kinda rude (maybe he didn't know the nuances of english...)... but that was something we got throughout the trip... either treated very well... by some really kind people... or just ignored half the time and made to wait for everything and not served very well. ohwell.

then it was back to the main square for the free ghost tour - where our guide wasn't very scary, was applying to go to ucl the next year, and had a really good accent compared to our guide in the afternoon who pronounced charles as 'chalice'

the square at night...charles' bridge... which we all thought was chalice bridge until we saw a sign -.-"

and here we met some interesting souveniour shopkeeps... who wanted to learn chinese from us and who were trying to teach us a bit of spanish and czech! and then it was back to the huge-ass room to wash up and sleep (i think we all slept really really well...)

first impression of prague: awesome!