small and hiding at home

i spent the last 4 days (no. actually since i handed in my essay) beating myself up for not studying when i should be - after all, the purpose of not going anywhere in the first two weeks of christmas break was to take the time to study. and the more i thought about studying.. and how i wasn't studying... and how i should be studying.. the less i felt like doing anything. and so i wasted a lot of time (and not even productively... like going out... or enjoying whatever non-study thing it was that i was doing)

then yday night just one major question was ringing in my head.
why am i so conscious of studying...?

which stemmed into a barrage of thoughts & self talk

why do i study? where's my purpose in studying... am i just thinking about it and doing it because i am afraid i won't get the grades? am i afraid that i'll fall further behind? but who calls the shots here in my life...? who else but my Daddy God... and i know He has plans for my good... for my future - why then am i so afraid? why do i trust my schedules and plans... why do i fear when the goals are not met... why do i fear the time i take off to do other things
... indeed for what reason am i trying to study this holiday?

and then there was release (and i actually feel like doing my readings now..) cos i realised that at the root of everything... i was just being controlled by fear... fear of not doing well in the exams cos of 'not putting in enough effort'. kinda stupid though? since in the end it's Daddy God who controls my future... everything so far has been through doors He's opened... and He gave me the scholarship, so He'll give me the grades to maintain it - to surpass expectations - and to set me on track for where He wants to use me.

and Daddy was the one who put me in London. so i'm gonna enjoy it =) no use worrying that i'm not having enough fun/ not doing enough work/ spending too much time alone when He's in control anyway... and He's SO much BIGGER then me!