christmas away from home

and it's with relatively new people...
it's gonna be fun... hehe i'm gonna attempt to cook sambal sting ray tmr! pray that it turns out well... and then gonna do apple crumble (the last time i did it was in home economics class gosh.) which hopefully will turn out yummy for the potluck christmas dinner =)

i miss you guys back home tho...

the people i spent >20 years of my life with

you people i grew up with in skool...

the old cg - man... this was the first photo i ever put up on my blog... wow... and we grew older (and hopefully wiser) together - i don't really have more recent big grp photos oops.

you people who hide behind laptops/ vid cams in the back with me

who made me get to know the people who hide behind sound boards/ pretty SLRs... and the people who set up all the 'cool stuff'

.

.

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and there are sooo many more of you guys that i wish i could see this christmas!

this one for example. loland this one... heh

and wow. i miss these things too! (and filling up the whiteboard with em)

haha that was quite disproportionate i think... friends keep flooding in... and they're such a blessing =) haha. so many till i cannot keep contact liao. and in that sense - paiseh guys... i do treasure every moment we had together (however fleeting...), regret quite a few lack-of-moments together, wonder at potential moments...

...and wanna wish everyone a very blessed christmas! =)

leech

man i realised that i'm really super dependent on friends here in london...

life is so much more interesting when everyone's back from their holidays
there go my mugging plans *waves*... oops.
but at least it's productive slacking now =P

humans are social creatures...
you go mad if you're left alone for more than two weeks. serious. it's proven in some psycho paper... i studied it last year (and i forgot the reference. lol..)

gosh but this dependency is quite scary... =S
christmas is almost here! woohoo!
i am incoherent... i shall shower and go study for a bit

small and hiding at home

i spent the last 4 days (no. actually since i handed in my essay) beating myself up for not studying when i should be - after all, the purpose of not going anywhere in the first two weeks of christmas break was to take the time to study. and the more i thought about studying.. and how i wasn't studying... and how i should be studying.. the less i felt like doing anything. and so i wasted a lot of time (and not even productively... like going out... or enjoying whatever non-study thing it was that i was doing)

then yday night just one major question was ringing in my head.
why am i so conscious of studying...?

which stemmed into a barrage of thoughts & self talk

why do i study? where's my purpose in studying... am i just thinking about it and doing it because i am afraid i won't get the grades? am i afraid that i'll fall further behind? but who calls the shots here in my life...? who else but my Daddy God... and i know He has plans for my good... for my future - why then am i so afraid? why do i trust my schedules and plans... why do i fear when the goals are not met... why do i fear the time i take off to do other things
... indeed for what reason am i trying to study this holiday?

and then there was release (and i actually feel like doing my readings now..) cos i realised that at the root of everything... i was just being controlled by fear... fear of not doing well in the exams cos of 'not putting in enough effort'. kinda stupid though? since in the end it's Daddy God who controls my future... everything so far has been through doors He's opened... and He gave me the scholarship, so He'll give me the grades to maintain it - to surpass expectations - and to set me on track for where He wants to use me.

and Daddy was the one who put me in London. so i'm gonna enjoy it =) no use worrying that i'm not having enough fun/ not doing enough work/ spending too much time alone when He's in control anyway... and He's SO much BIGGER then me!

jack of all trades...

hmm gosh. i look at some of my friends blogs... and i wonder where my life is heading.

people who are passionate abt photography are off taking pictures... fantastic ones
the geeks are off testing new items... / learning how to use new things
the musicians are off making music... gigs...
dancers are dancing - as half a career

man.

so i dabble in a bit of all the above... and some video.. sound..
where does my passion lie i wonder... and why do i not chase after it...?

instead... what i'm doing?
reading psycho stuff... lol. (and it's for work... not particularly exciting.)
how practical. heh.

brudders

i'm bored... kind of... waiting for a good time to go to the post office when there won't be an insane queue... but i don't wanna start any work (and i haven't done any since term ended!) so i'm blogging again!

here's a kind-of-belated post... and a tribute to the guy buddies i have.
the photos really amuse me =P hehe. so 大哥 and 二哥 enjoy.. lol.

so we went to prague at different times but came back with rather similar photos -.-"

from left to right: 大哥,二哥,小弟

and both guys have carried my 'man bag' of their own volition (angus... dun have your pic leh)

and the rest of the pics are to make 大哥 emo...

we ate at sakura without you...aww =(

[edit] hmm i should do a 'sisters' post too... but then rite... we have no group photos!! haha the last one was from sec 3?0.0 and now we're in diff bits of the world... haha. man i'm missing too many people too much =P [/edit]

chillax...

hm. things to do this holiday:


1. my readings... + do that MADLAB worksheet for the class i missed
2. finish the psycho version of the 12 days of christmas song
3. make the cheesy vid that's been swimming around in my imagination
4. go for christmas markets =)
5. go ice-skating with some ppl
6. watch a musical (man i'm so deprived this year!!!)
7. (just so i end nicely) sleep alot & think more... heh

last day of skool... 2 hrs ago

so i finally have some time to breathe... and blog.
gosh it's been such a whirlwind of activity i've hardly had time to think... and my blogposts have all become lists. goodness - what a far cry from what i started this blog for!

as for what i've been busy with... well here's the vid i made -blood sweat tears... and staying up till 7am in the morning the day before the event to finsh it.


and a vid of the rehearsal =) ( ... the person who videoed the actual event on my cam took it on timelapse!!!! omg.)


...

today... someone told me that their first impression of me was 'oh this girl quite strong one... can bully (meaning tease i think) her'

wow.

i tell you i see only the fluctuations... the instability.
the small in-the-corner-under-the-table moments...
the brokenness.. the insecurity...
the desperation... crying out to God from just looking at. well. life.

that must mean that what he's looking at is Jesus...
the Jesus-transformed-me...
man. what a far cry it is from who i was just 2/3 years ago...

.
.

these two weeks have been insane really... so many things on my plate... that at any point in time that i forgot that it wasn't me who was doing the work, the world would just crash down.

just take yesterday for example. lol. i took a nap... and woke up feeling condemned like nobody's business. cos i realised... that i had finished all the work for the term and there was nothing left to do.. yet at the same time i realised that i couldn't see the point of doing any of the things i had done. i've lost contact with people... been so busy in OCF that i haven't really had time to talk to people... i've 'lost' many of the things we did together last year... and a term has come and gone. (esther asked me on msn 'how's life in london? more and more blessed?' and i was just stunned... cos i realised that i haven't been really cherishing it... but just going about life.)

been so busy doing things... not spending enough time on the 'correct' things like work... not spending enough time feeding on the word - simply dry... and overwhelmed by emptiness. looking forward to being the only one at home next week... and yet dreading being alone - knowing the amount of reading i've yet to do that i want to catch up on. the amount of things i've been doing that i wish i could just drop (but yet not drop)... the amount of things i still need to do... and yet not wanting to do anything.

lol. talk about being confused.

.
.

and yet... Daddy's been so awesome...
the grades for my essays - done in half the amount of time i took to do an essay last year - were all good... surprisingly so.
i got a first for my first lab - done in quite a rush again...
my small group is holding together... somehow...
i'm heading the worship team & leading bible study on alternate weeks... somehow
i'm settling groceries and cooking and chores every week... somehow
i actually have a bunch of close ang moh friends (and we're doing a LOT of work together for labs... somehow)

how's it possible? i don't know. it's not me.

[i'm still that small girl hiding in the corner... waiting for someone to reach out a hand and save me]

...

shall endeavour to enjoy myself more... hehe ...
time to chill. spend time with my Best Friend... find my stability again.

i miss all of you guys back home... gosh. i really took for granted the encouragement, the openness... the safety. <3.

on video and AV

Q: why do you bother.. when no one sees?
A: cos Daddy God's watching... and He's proud of me.


okay. i slept till 3pm today and skipped classes again (gosh i really should stop doing this for OCF things)... now to fight that condemnation and do my essay... hm.

i'll post the vids up soon! once i'm done with said essay =)

heehee

i was searching for pics to put in the vid and i found this!



i'm probably violating some copyright by putting this up though... but man... ingenious... brings new meaning to being rich... hee =)

the vid stands at about 2min30s done... and i'm going to finish at least the easy bits tonight this morning

oh man

Jesus keep the pieces together... glue or something... more and more bits are breaking this week

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.
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at this point in time, i've absolutely nothing left to offer

-stats exam tmr... trust tt HS will teach me everything and bring to rememberance all that i've studied
-the vid stands at 44s out of 5min done
-the projection for prayer & praise on friday is not done... gosh i haven't even read through the songs properly
-haven't confirmed the logistics for sunday
-making lab materials in free time on monday
-running the pilot lab on tuesday
-essay due on wed (that i have no idea how to do...) that i haven't even read up on

and alone at night it's just so overwhelming. i do believe my mind the devil is beginning to play tricks on me again

help me let go Lord... focus only on You...

what rubbish =P

okie... so i have to do a vid for christmas outreach in the end... gosh.
at least it's a verse + images/ clips type thing that goes with the skit... pretty simple... only that i have to find the clips and images... go me. i think something from scratch with actors might be easier lol. then i wont spend hours trying to find some photo with some particular angle at some particular size and quality that no one has uploaded. tsk.

spent the whole of yday after church looking for verses for the thing. hope it turns out nicely =)

...

God is amazing... tt's all i have to say

me + procrastination = can never finish work until the day it's actually due.
i may write up bits of it but i'll never finish the whole thing at one go

still...
me + God = different story
i actually finished writing my lab report in 2 days... somehow.
so it's done! and i only have the essay to think about =D well. that and the stats exam.

it's really true you know... you spend more time with Daddy... He multiplies your time left to do work with (in my case i became more efficient lol. waaaay more efficient)... and that time is way more blessed than it was before =).