hard headed-ness

i am angry beyond belief. *GROWL* prepare yourself for a Rant.

so i planned my day by the hour...
1000: go for lecture
1100: do computing project
1200: next lecture
1300-1400: lunch and chill a bit
1400-1500: find keith (the programming lecturer) to sort out the problems in my project
1500-1730: do more programming till the lab closes
1800-roughly 1930: study stats
after dinner-1 hr later: clean kitchen
then study stats till the exam tmr

instead...
1. at 1400 hrs they started the UCAS interviews. and keith was one of the interviewers... and interviews ended at about 1600hrs. therefore. screwed. cos i couldn't do anything else with computing till i got the problem sorted
2. all the cubicles were full cos everyone was trying to study for the stats exam and the lab was booked for UCAS
3. i had no stats notes on me cos i thought i'd be doing computing
4. therefore i had to go home... where kenneth took pains to annoy me for half an hr when i was trying to take a nap and get rid of the 'pekchek'-ness
5. then i realised that ken invited people over for tea... so i couldn't study at home (no way i can concentrate with friends over)
6. so i took (what was to be) a 30 min nap... but got poked by ken at the 20 min mark... got kueh lapis waved in my face... half pulled out of bed... and saved by mayling going 'aiyah let her sleep kenneth!'
7. the grouch arose.
8. 1530: brought laptop to school and stats notes in a bid to get some stats done in case i couldn't get a comp
9. couldn't concentrate at all cos i was really just too annoyed
10. FINALLY managed to see keith at 1630-1700
11. crammed as much programming as i could into the last 3o min before the lab closed

and here i am now blogging instead of mugging. sigh.


So Daddy's teaching me to rely on Him instead of my planning and my schedules
all things work for good... yeah...
but ARGH it's a bloody. HARD. lesson. to learn.

i gives up.
give me a revelation Lord. yo.

(and there was something else i wanted to post today... but no mood liao)

hamsup(?) thoughts

I was reading this in the middle of the sermon today...
so i'll give my commentary in italics heh

Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman stays awake in vain.
(yea indeed... i have yet to learn this)
It is vain for you to rise up early,
To sit up late,
(oh dear sounds like what i tend to do)
To eat the bread of sorrows;
(so depressing... and indeed it is from experience)
For so He gives His beloved sleep.
(i need sleep.)

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
(be fruitful and multiply! that's what sex was made for)
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
(i don't quite understand this... but it feels like it implies we should have children early)
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
(bad image of shooting sperm =S)
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
(go shoo! you can't tear down the house of the Lord!)
~Psalm 127

haha self-amusement. ohwell. ok back to lab report

so disturbing

it's one of those days where the world crashes down on me the moment i open my eyes

the panicky... jittery... fluttering feeling
of having a ton of deadlines
of needing to interact with people but not feeling up to it

so i roll over and go back to sleep
then wake up again feeling guilty cos i slept more than i should have/ needed and have a ton of things to do

and i want to go back to sleep where the world can't haunt me

but there's work to do.
so shoo. go'way. Jesus has redeemed me from these kind of days.

some refreshing is in order...

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
~1 Cor 10:13

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.
~1 Cor 10:23-24

it would be nice to have a "back" button for life... like we do on webpages... "refresh" would be pretty cool too. right now i really wish i had my own room... to sit in a corner and talk to Daddy... where no one will see me broken and spent - Lord why do you give me such bloody difficult decisions to make?

oh what's a heart to do

Leave it alone, don't analyze
'Cause love can be your lullaby
But love can be your hurricane too
And love can take your breath away
But love can leave you lonely and blue
Oh, what's a heart to do?
Oh, what's a heart to do?

Why be afraid
No reason to hide
Take the chance
Put it all on the line
Draw in a deep breath and throw open the door
'Cause that's what a heart is beating for
Yeah, that's what a heart is beating for
Beating for, beating for

Brace yourselves, take a good look around
We've all been thinking upside-down
That love's about what life can bring our way
Oh but love isn't love unless someone pays
And so with love, the only way to gain
Is give it all away
Is give it all away!

Why be afraid
No reason to hide
Take the chance
Put it all on the line
Draw in a deep breath and throw open the door
'Cause that's what a heart is beating for
Yeah, that's what a heart is beating for
Beating for, beating for
~"What A Heart Is Beating For" Chris Rice


You're the reason that I live... Jesus my lover for this vday =)
i'm scared by the way... of what i have gotten myself into. Mistakes and mistakes and mistakes made. and all i can do is trust that Jesus saves. and THEN i need to stop making further mistakes... not letting my heart get caught up in the chase. distance is the key... and my decision is made - but the flesh is weak and i know i'm just not able to carry it out. i only just had the revelation the other day that it's really no loss... cos i can trust that Daddy has better plans.. but i don't know what to do.. how to do... especially not without breaking anything... Lord i can't do this... need You to move me.. move me to do what is right.

ok i really really need a holiday

ya i really really need a holiday ... gosh

such a crazy week... and such a crazy week to come.
there's work and there's more work and there's more work... and not enough sleep... and things to do... and the computing project which counts for 50% and the computing exam which counts for 50% and the stats exam which counts for 50% and the lab report that i have no idea how to begin, and i have yet to sign up for the mini project... and there are none online that even remotely interest me... and i really really don't want to do anything that is just a mian qiang kind of thing... i'll just lose interest =S

and i've fallen back into works and self effort again... and i'm scared and i'm tired and my mind is now just running from one thing to another - lol it actually feels sore from concentrating on work this week =S. can't manage my mind at the moment... probably should get some sleep =P
Daddyy.... =(

Father i trust You.
You prosper my hand... and all that i do.
You grant me favour and put me in the right place at the right time.
Jesus You are my peace of mind... my comfort... my hiding place

heart be still..

22 Then He said to His disciples, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. 23 Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? 25 And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 26 If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?

29 “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. 30 For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. 31 But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.

32 “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
~Luke 12:22-34

17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 19 We love Him because He first loved us.
~1 John 4:17-19

torn

my heart, head, emotions and actions are in disharmony...

it's a rather strange experience, though not that unfamillar. well if you know the reason why then pray for it/ about it for me yeah? i'm going to do something that's probably very unwise (unfortunately settled by my own choice) within the next week... so well. Lord i put my mistakes under Your grace... turn it around for Your glory.

need wisdom man... and courage...
and to align everything back under You

put it under grace

It's quite interesting... that each time i hear a sermon from pastor there's always something new to be gained heh.

so my itunes was on shuffle and suddenly i heard pastor yelling at me (haha!)
'you have a disobedient child? put him/ her under grace...'
and basically to let the grace of God work out the transformation in your life (and whatever is associated with it)

nothing's impossible for Daddy... and in Christ we're all under grace...
why then do we choose to hold on so tightly to the things we can and cannot do...? to tell Him 'i'll try harder' when we cannot make it... and simply forget that well, grace was the one and only thing that brought us to Him... and that all that we are called to do - was due to being under that grace in the first place! the best thing we could do then... would be to give it back to God and let His grace work through us.

pastor was really quite amusing in his analogies.. so here i am... contributing to hilarity in a confession of faith =P

i put __________ under grace, Lord You take care of it/ him/ her.
1. my walk with You
2. my small group: and all the things that come about with human relationships
3. leadership... shepherding and having revelations of Jesus
4. my skin (perfect skin in Jesus name!)
5. the israel trip that i will go for (when i'm back in sg) & finances
6. the important people in my life - especially that one, Lord you know who it is
7. my eyesight (i claim restoration!)
8. the relationships i have with people... friendships... and my ministry/calling with them
9. OCF... the leadership... events... and people who come for them
10. my household and their walk with you, our relationships with each other
11. my future husband (HAHA! my mom tells me to pray in advance=P)

by no means an exhaustive list. lol.

but it's interesting how i somehow end up in very strange situations... like you know, the kind you hear from the pulpit and think 'ah what's the probability of that happening to me?' or 'what's the probability that i will even meet someone like that?'

i guess it's seasoning. lol. i wonder what it is i'm being called for...

'snowstorm' in london

my heart is linked waay too much with the weather.


it's been snowing in london since last night - freak weather...
and the snow actually set so it's rather surreal... white london for chinese new year. heh. you see big grown people playing with snow on the streets too 0_o

my thoughts are flying around in my head... so much so that i can't concentrate on work. ugh. since last night. it's like the snow... blowing around, entering my consciousness... sticking where it isn't supposed to... melting and making a mess... not to mention the skies are grey and cloudy.

meh. do work ms kam.
you've got an essay due on friday... and a ton of other things to do

Daddy help =( i'm tired and panicking and the current situation scares and pains me. that and i really need to be able to sleep properly w/o waking up when the sun rises *growl*