stepping into the promise land

is a scary thing...

i guess in the same manner in which the israelites went into jericho and saw the giants together with the milk n honey and got frightened.

yesterday was team bonding... and i got a taste of what nie would be like - a myriad of people from different walks of life, about half of them twice my age, and expectations expectations expectations.

new season... new challenges... new growth. when i faced london with all my insecurities... it didnt quite feel this way, i was ready to move on, change my life. heh. i was excited... but now it feels like i'm contending with the old (still getting used to being back) as well as the new

i thought nie was gonna be... well... like uni... but meeting the people yesterday, the varying ages and varying degrees of enthusiasm... i'm terrified. and i've yet to find my personal motivation for being in nie/moe... much less be self-motivated and driven about all the 'must do's that are presented to me as requirements from the government. ugh. Lord may i never become apathetic to this position you've put me in.

i should say 'thank you Daddy God' and step in confident of the blessings... but right now i guess i'm just praying for lots and lots of favour and the ability to work with people putting aside any feelings i may have for/against them.

giants are my bread huh. think i need some new thought processes heh

realisations...

havent been posting much... heh. not sure if people read this anymore but ohwell.

today i walked into 4th service alone.... for the first time since coming back to sg. it was strange/ lost/ empty of connection. which i thought was odd, since i've been going alone to service in london practically every week for 3 years now with no problems - and that's in a foreign country no less.

then i realised just how fragile my bonds with people are... how it's so easy to neglect them and be 'busy' over here... how asian culture demands that we keep things private... and how i have closed off and vanished into the crowd.

i missed london desperately then. missed the place where i was free, open, real. and then it dawned on me... that come september, i'm not gonna leave this place and go back there... i have to stay here... and somehow remain free, open, real...

ack. why am i walking this path Lord? it's been 2 months coming home and i still cant see what my position is in this place

observation

today... i got observed in class. that was... terrible i might say. being observed under nie guidelines without even knowing what they were. they weren't hard on me though... and i'm thankful for that. i've just got a looooooong way to go with teaching. lesson planning, classroom management, presentation of materials, being able to explain things in nibbles (primary school... not even bite sized pieces)

honestly. right now it's hard to hold on to 'God has me set up for greatness'. 'n00b' is the only thing that is going through my head. don't like being noob. especially when it actually counts for something.

and noob is the very feeling that has been permeating almost everything since i've come home. noob in relating to sinagporeans (even though i've done it for the better part of my life), noob in teaching, noob in school, noob in the workplace environment, oh and noob at being in a relationship, noob at balancing my adulthood with being parented.

tisn't change. tis CHANGE.

waaaaaaaay out of comfort zone i am. and i keep trying to retreat to it by becoming who i used to be... cos who i used to be used to feel comfortable. and yet. the now-me isnt comfortable with who i used to be. neither is it comfortable with the parental idea of 'being a scholar means that they track you'.

help Daddy.