awkward.

i felt a sudden surge of disconnect today after service, as if everything suddenly dissolved in front of my eyes and i was watching all human connection from afar..

it's the time of the year where all the people studying overseas are back for summer... and this time i'm not one of them. i'm not a fringe person who 'pops by' for caregroup and hangs with 'london friends' or 'old friends'... neither am i an integral part of the church caregroup, simply because our leader got transferred and we're temporarily merging with the other overseas caregroup.

supper tonight was interesting. i was the only girl at the table... and i felt... for the lack of a better word... old. we were talking about travelling and high school pranks and graduation and crazy things that happen overseas, and it was fun... but i had just spent my morning listening to a talk about financial planning, my afternoon trying to type out reflections and work for mom... and all that kind of stuff just feels like a distant memory - which is true cos it's been a year. still. the longing to get away from singapore and the regret that i can't stay in london came back in a flash.

maybe it's cos i didn't know the other guys that well, but the conversation felt young, unchallenged... ready to take on the world... untainted(?) and reminded me of being carefree and kuku and happy... which i really wasn't cos i found i couldn't bring my guard down as much with the new friends. i guess it's time to move up? it's rather evident that i don't belong anymore (i am tempted to say 'anywhere anymore' but i know that's not true)