day 34-35

i finished the book... somehow i think it's somth tt will speak different things at different times... and here's another two chapters:

day 34
Service starts in your mind.
To be a servant requires a mental shift, a change in your attitudes. God is always more interested in why we do something than in what we do. Attitudes count more than achievements.

Servants think more about others than about themselves. Servants focus on others, not themselves. This is true humility: not thinking less of ourselves but thinking of ourselves less. They are self forgetful... When we stop focusing on our own needs we become aware of the needs around us...

Unfortunately, a lot of our servcie is often self-serving. We serve to get others to like us, to be admired, or to achieve our own goals. That is manipulation, not ministry... Real servants don't try to use God for their purposes. They let God use them for His purposes... Thinking like a servant is difficult because it challenges the basic problem of my life: I am, by nature, selfish. I think most about me. That's why humility is a daily struggle, a lesson I must relearn over and over.

Servants think about their work, not what others are doing. They don't compare, criticise, or compete with other servants or ministries. They're too busy doing the work God has given them...

It is not our job to evaluate the Master's other servants. the Bible says, "Who are you to criticise someone else's servant? The Lord will determine whether His servant has been sucessful." It is also not our job to defend ourselves against criticism.

Servants base their identity in Christ. Because they remember they are loved and accepted by grace, servants don't have to prove their worth. They willingly accept jobs that insecure people would consider "beneath" them...

If you're going to be a servant, you must settle your identity in Christ. Only secure people can serve. insecure people are always worrying about how they appear to others. They fear exposure of their weaknesses and hide beneath layers of protective pride and pretensions. The more insecure you are, the more you will want people to serve you, and the more you will need their approval... When you base your worth and identity on your relationship to Christ, you are freed from the expectations of others, and that allows you to really serve them best.

day 35
God loves to use weak people.
Everyone has weaknesses. In fact you have a bundle of flaws and imperfeactions: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. You may also have uncontrollable circumstances that weaken you, such as financial or relational limitations. The mroe important issue is what you do with these. Usually we deny our weaknesses, defend them, excuse them, hide, and resent them. This prevents God from using them the way He desires...

Your weaknesses are not an accident. God deliberately allowed them in your life for the purpose of demonstrating his power through you.
God has never been impressed with strength or self-sufficiency. in fact, he is drawn to people who are weak and admit it...
The Bible is filled with examples of how God loves to use the imperfect, ordinary people to do extraordinary things in spite of their weaknesses. If God only used perfect people, nothing owuld ever get one, because none of us is flawless. That God uses imperfect people is encouraging news for all of us.

Admit your weaknesses. Own up to your imperfections. Stop pretending to have it all together, and be honest about yourself.
Be content with your weaknesses. ...Paul gives us several reasons to be content with our inborn weakness. First, they cause us to depend on God... Whenever you feel weak, God is reminding you to depend on Him.
Our weaknesses also prevent arrogance.. (and) encourage fellowship between believers...

Most of all our weaknesses increase our capacity for sympathy and ministry. We are far more likely to be compassionate and considerate of the weaknesses of others. God wants you to have a Christlike ministry on earth. That means other people are going to find healing in your wounds. your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts. The things you're most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, and most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others.

Honestly share your weaknesses. Ministry begins with vulnerability. the more you let down your guard, take off your mask, and share your struggles, the more God will be able to use you in serving others...

Of course, vulnerability is risky... When you reveal your failures, feeling, frustrations, and fears, you risk rejection. But the benefits are worth the risk...
Humility is not putting yourself down or denying your strengths; rather, it is being honest about your weaknesses... Vulnerability is an endearing quality; we are naturally drawn to humble people.

Glory in your weaknesses. ...Instead of posing as self-confident and invincible, see yourself as a thophy of grace. When Satan points out you weaknesses, agree with him and fill your heart with praise for Jesus who "understands every weakness of ours," and for the Holy Spirit, who "helps us in our weakness."


man... it's so true..
and i've along way to go.. and so much more to learn.

so.

Masquerade! Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade! Hide your face, so the world will never find you!

sigh.
i just watched an ep of desperate housewives... (cos joseph's hooked and made me -.-)
and i'm pained and disgusted by the deceit.
ack. lying cheating bitches. punch you then you know.


but i feel a bit like a hypocrite
cos though i really hate it...
it seems like what i'm doing is quite similar...
Lord please let this end peaceably. i don't want to 'wait and see' anymore.
fake. and titles make it even faker.

post-exams!

so must thank God first... that i have survived!
haha and it's been fun... this mugging time with almost no stress cos i -finally- learnt (well at least a little) to depend on Him instead of worrying and worrying over grades.

quick update about the papers:
-the 2nd one intro was yucky... with weird qu
-the 3rd one was yucky... where the stuff i was more confident in came up with really specific & focused questions
-the 4th one was german... which was okay.. i think. it was a tricky paper and my grammar uhhh... but it's fine ^^
-the 5th one today (or yday considering the time) was the best one by far =) or maybe tt's just cos i was prepared for almost all the topics (cos i didn't do extra reading harhar) and the questions were nice and straightforward. 'discuss _____'... i like.

thank You Daddy for alot alot of grace and stress-free mugging times =) and for the brother to mugmugmug & crunchyroll with!

---

so exams are over...
so life kicks in again...
so must start thinking about other things...
ohwell.

---

so i found a fbook msg from jeanine the other day... which in gist went - 'i don't know what's happening in your life anymore and i want to be involved'... and the very next moment on fbook i found the profile of a fren from pre-primary (yes. tt long ago) who was more of an acquaintance to begin with. and i didn't even recognise her face at first lol.

amazing... that one is traversing in completely different social circles but present... that one is completely absent physically... but will never be out of that inner circle.
[ehe. i love you muchly! =) forever my jie... even if cannot keep contact properly cos skool and stuff is overwhelming]

---

and so after OCF i came back and started spring cleaning and sorting my stuff out to leave here/ bring back... crazy i know. packing room at 1am in the morning -_-"
sorting through all the papers... and throwing them away (probably threw away a small tree), i got round to sorting my 'memories' box. and i found dozens of little cards and notes (yesh i keep them all) just for this time in london... the notes which said 'goodbye we'll miss you when you're gone', the notes which said 'hello you, new-old-friend', notes in which the - i bothered to write something to you cos you mean something to me - just spoke to me.

i'm really really blessed... with friendships upon friendships...
with people so awesome that i don't think i deserve to be with
man. Daddy's given me so. so. much.

random londonness

LAST PAPER TOMORROW!!!
when almost everyone else in UCL finished last week -.-")

so i'm blogging to procrastinate =). blogging therapy... i will start mugging after lunch. i will. yes. i will. haha. i just spent 5+ pounds on 10 pieces of chocolate... 50p/ $1.50 a tiny piece. chocolate retail therapy! haha. and i shall spend tmr (hopefully) blissfully watching my OCF group eat them =D i love making ppl happy. hehe.

okay so here's a blogpost about super random london things

the eye...this was in surrey actually - talk about a useless signpostlike the bench says - that's what this post is aboutthe rice ball agrees!this was joyce's dinner dabaoed for OCF, lovingly made by yafen haha.

Mugging MADness & Mugging Buddy:

ice-cream!! and this photo commemorates the first day we could wear berms again... it was 14 deg i believe =)methinks macs needs quality control - but for now i'll just keep going to marble archi was bored... and found blu-tackno the pic is not upside down - spiderpig vs spidersnail. FIGHT!
(they're sticking to the bottom of a shelf)defined by the jacketsso while waiting for dinner one day we swapped. lol.
(N/B: i'm trying for his 'emo fringe' look... and he's trying for the puppydog eyes)

KT youth has their 'service' in a pub. how cool is that?

an 'invite your friends' thing

the park's super happening now...

i was curious about the pink tentage
"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us," ~Hebrews 12:1 LOL.

ONE DAY MORE!!... run run run...

once a teacher...

so.. here we have a specimen of an msn convo with my mom:

mom says (3:47 PM):
How's yr last paper?
cherie~ [househunting... jiayou!] says (3:47 PM):
i didn't like it
cherie~ [househunting... jiayou!] says (3:47 PM):
it was okay
mom says (3:48 PM):
spotting questn help??
cherie~ [househunting... jiayou!] says (3:49 PM):
yeah definately
cherie~ [househunting... jiayou!] says (3:49 PM):
the mcq was very tricky
and the essay part was just weird...
though can ans... dunno how well i answered
mom says (3:50 PM):
definitely not spelt w/ a

oh man. english teacher...

..

pain ah?

so 2 ppl have noticed... but my decision's made.. just not acted on
and there's so much more peace this way...
i just wish it wasn't so hard to justify.

should i even need to justify...?

day 26-28

just got back from a run with angus and chrissie... yay. it's actually nice to run in london (only that the pollen is flying around and sticking in your windpipe) ran pretty far i think. started at about 1030 (but we walked the last 30 min or so lol). funness. maybe i should do this more often - super chillout pace. and the river is pretty at night =)

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more purpose driven life =)

day 26:
Many Christians are frightened and demoralised by tempting thoughts, feeling guilty that they aren't "beyond" temptation. They feel ashamed just for being tempted. This is misunderstanding of maturity. You will never outgrow temptation.
...
It is not a sin to be tempted. Jesus was tempted, yet he never sinned. Temptation only becomes a sin when you give in to it. Martin Luther said, "You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair." You can't keep the Devil from suggesting thoughts, but you can choose not to dwell or act on them.
...
The Bible guarantees that our cry for help will be heard because Jesus is sympahtetic to our struggle... If God is waiting to help us defeat temptation, why don't we turn to Him more often? Honestly, sometimes we don't want to be helped! We want to give in to temptation even though we know it's wrong. At that moment we think we know what's best for us more than God does.
At other times we're embarrassed to ask God for help because we keep giving in to the same temptation over and over. But God never gets irritated, bored, or impatient when we keep coming back to him.

day 27:
Every time you try to block a thought out of your mind, you drive it deeper into your memory. By resisting it, you actually reinforce it. This is especially true with temptation. you don't defeat temptation by fighting the feeling of it. The more you fight a feeling, the more it consumes and controls you. You strengthen it every time you think it.
...
Temptation begins by capturing your attention. What gets your attention arouses your emotions. Then your emotions activate your behaviour, and you act on what you felt. The more you focus on "I don't want to do this," the stonger it draws you into its web.
...
Spiritually, your mind is your most vulnerable organ. To reduce temptation, keep you mind occupied with god's Word and other good thoughts. You defeat bad thoughts by thinking of something better.
...
Satan wants you to think that your sin and temptation is unique so you must keep them a secret. The truth is, we're all in the same boat... The reason we hide our faults is pride. We want others to think we have everything "under control." The truth is, whatever you can't talk about is already out of control in your life: problems with your finances, marriage, kids, thoughts, sexuality, secret habits, or anything else. If you could handle it on your own you would already have done so. but you can't. Willpower and personal resolutions aren't enough.

day 28:
Why does it take so long to grow up? There are several reasons
We are slow learners. We often have to relearn a lesson forty or fifty times to really get it. The problems keep recurring, and we think, "Not again! I've already learned that!" -- but God knows better...
We have a lot to unlearn. ...There is no pill or prayer, or principle that will instanly undo the damage of many years. It requires the hard work of removal and replacement. The Bible calls it "taking off the old self" and "putting on the new self."...
We are afraid to humbly face the truth about ourselves. ...The fear of what we might discover if we honestly faced our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denail. Only as God is allowed to shine the light of his truth on our faults, failures, and hang-ups can we begin to work on them...
Growth is often painful and scary. There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain... We fear these losses, even if our old ways were self-defeating, because, like a worn out pair of shoes, they were at least comfortable and familiar...
Habits take time to develop. ...There is only one way to develop the habits of Christlike character: you must practice them -- and that takes time! There are no instant habits.
...
Believe that God is working in your life even when you don't feel it. Spiritual growth is sometimes tedious work, one small step at a time... One of life's frustrations is that God's timetable is rarely the same as ours... Remember that God is never in a hurry, but He is always on time.
...
Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. you are not where you wantto be, but neither are you where you used to be... God isn't finished with you, either, so keep on moving forward. Even the snail reached the ark by persevering!

oops i like typed out alot of the book XD but i'm encouraged - aren't you?

all mugged out

I CAN'T WAIT FOR TMR TO BE OVER!!!
not that i want the exam to come...
but i just want to change topic...
GRRRR.
can i please please please study something that doesn't involve cramming and actually makes me think?? *whine*

and i'm not that prepared either... which makes this just feel wrong.
rawr.

ohwell. time to relak, shower, sermon, sleep and prep for tmr.
and just so this post isn't a rant - this is uber cool:

i dunno wat to say

so i called home today... and talked about random things

dad: you must be cool in your exams... then your memory will be better!
me: eh but i learnt that in memory it's the congruence of the state in which you input informtion and recall information... so if you're stressed while you're studying you'd better be stressed while you're taking the paper. *silent snigger*
dad: aiyoh then be relaxed in both la! be like me... cool one. i'm the cool one, mom is the hot one
mom (in the bg): HOI WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
me: tell mom she's hot la... good figure mah
dad: *repeats what i said* yah she's very hot now... wears all the sleeveless and skirts that are 6 inches above the knee... and __________ (too sensitive to put up loll.)
me: really ah really ah... so hot eh.
mom (in the bg): HOI

and... talk about change being the only constant

mom: eh. did i tell you when you come back you'll be sleeping in our room?
me: ?!?!?!?! har... can't i sleep in your office (my ex-room)?? i promise to wake up by 8 then office hours start at 9
mom: eh. no space leh
me: what happened to my bed???
mom: if you want privacy then dad can sleep in mama's (my grandma's/ guest) room
me: eh. that's not the point leh
mom: well privacy mah... no male around
me: 0_o tt's even more out of point. sleep with you in the same room equals privacy meh?
mom: never mind lah, only short time only... besides, we miss you leh, never see you for so long
me: ehhhhh but you miss me doesn't mean i should sleep with you!!!


okay so now i have no bed, no room, and i have no idea where all my stuff is.
i dunno wat to say -_-""

WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I GOING HOME TO???

有些东西真是不可勉强的

kudous to you charity. for only learning that now.

oh well.
can't say that walking this life with Daddy isn't exciting XD

day 16

i borrowed wenling's copy of purpose driven life to (finally) read it through slowly and properly.. so an excerpt for my benefit:

Relationships, not achievements, or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life. So why do we allow our relationships to get the short end of the stick? When our schedules become overloaded, we start skimming relationally, cutting back on giving the time, energy and attention that loving relationships require. What's most important to God is displacedby what's urgent.

Busyness is a great enemy of relationships. We become preoccupied with making a living, doing our work, paying bills, and accomplishing goals as if these tasks are the point of life. They are not. The point of life is learning to love -- God and people. Life minus love equals zero.

...

Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more itme. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. your time is your life. that is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

It is not enough just to say relationships are important; we must prove it by investing time in them. Words alone are worthless. "My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action." Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is "T-I-M-E."

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


man i need to learn this.

codespeak

haha at supper i had a thought (revelation?) about serving and gifts - listening to 3 musicians conversing in code... about guitars, guitar models and series numbers lol. and i was just thinking that that must be what i sound like when i talk about vid/ sound stuff to fellow vid/ sound people... describing angles, framing... talking about equalising and range...

and i randomly remembered this bit of ps prince's sermon:
"...in the new covenant, it is God who works in you the willingness... and the performance of His good pleasure. God first works in you before he gets you to work it out and walk it out. New covenant is not something like - you don't feel like it, you don't like it, but you just do it because God tells you to, and because He is God. (the idea that) if it is God, He always tells you to go to places no one wants to go... God will give them, if they're not married, someone that nobody wants. and God says 'sacrifice, marry her'...
God works in your heart, God gives you the willingness. I tell you people who are staying in foreign lands who leave their natural country.. for the gospel... when you interview them, they can't dream of being any place else. they enjoy where they are... so if you're called to serve among the children in children's ministry, God will give you a supernatural love for children"


truely.. God equips us with the giftings... and provides the passion in our hearts for the areas we serve Him in. exciting eh? He's so good He won't make you serve in a ministry you hate... He'll plant the desire in your Heart first.


---


and haha. i found this verse instead of the one i was looking for just now:
Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression,
But a good word makes it glad.
~Proverbs 12:25

tell me about it.
haha all those psycho tests and correlations between stress and depression and anxiety...
and the bible says it - long before anyone's research or psychobabble

lack-of-phone-ness

i just had a random thought (somehow. while studying intelligence lol.) about communication...

so yday after overnight mugging @ angus' place i forgot to bring my phone back with me... and so spent the whole of yday and this morning without a phone. i admit. there's an interesting sense of freedom related to not having a phone... that no one can simply disturb your aloneness. but then again... to enjoy that you need to not be lonely first... methinks i shall try going phoneless/ netless now and then =).

and then i encountered the pain inconvenience of trying to meet up with people and being unable to contact them to ask where they were. meeting up was now restricted to: this time, this place, this room. thinking about that just now, it occured to me that with the advancement of technology... the supposed improved communication has probably worsened communication. we take for granted that we can contact people anytime anywhere... whenever we need it... and then forget to keep in touch.

just simply meeting someone... i vaguely remember last time with only payphones to use... you'd call people, set a time (aha punctuality suffers too), set a place, a date... and all these very specifically. now... the answer to 'where shall we go?' is greeted by 'er... i dunno, ____ road... then i'll call you when we get there and we decide' (aha decisiveness suffers too)

hmm... so as technology advances... we degenerate... tsk

turning off

i just finished watching one litre of tears for the second time and it struck me that this time round i disengaged my feelings from watching... disengaged empathy. how odd... when the first time i was in tears with the characters (lol.) not that watching it the second time round was any less poignant... dunno. i feel heartless somehow. oops.

tell me. is this what most guys are like when watching soaps? identifying with the situation but not having the personal involvement with the show...

somehow it reminds me of how emotionless i used to be... strong, unshakable - 'oh. okay' would be my reaction then... ... but dead on the inside.
and to think i used to feel superior and safe... that no one could enter.

ohwell.
glory to glory =P

ramblings..

i had a random thought this morning...

why is it that some people are so strong and independent
why is it that some people are able to simply speak their mind
that some people can keep on being crazy/ doing crazy things (in a good way) even though others may be disapproving/ discouraging
that some people look at obstacles in their life and can keep striving to overcome them


psychology... doesn't say a thing leh.
the 'big five' factors of personality... harhar.

security... maybe?
hope in Daddy... perhaps?
ideas anyone?

20degC

and i'm sweating sweating sweating

oh dear. go home how?

blessed..

prepare yourself! for a series of very very disjointed thoughts

---

that i may be a blessing...
i think.
is a blessing in itself.

---

to say that i am not affected by everything that happened last night would be a lie. a lie that i was striving to hold on to the whole of today (and ended up crunchyrolling the day away... i studied a grand total of 12 slides! oops. haha)

---

afraid. of the decision i've made to lead a group in ocf next year. my heart screams for change... for potentials to be realised... for development. my mind tells me of the natural - something i know very well - that i have not what it takes (not strong enough, not kind enough, not 'there' yet). my heart quails at the task. my spirit affirms my decision. Daddy quirks a smile - I have plans for you.

---

thrown off balance... at the self-sufficiency and the bitterness. at the should and should-not's i heard last night. by the knowledge that we each walk our paths... sad. that so much is being offered... but not taken

---

love... is about giving and giving and giving.

taking from the guy with perfect love...
taking and taking and taking from Daddy...
who's all too happy to give.
who's pleased when you take from Him.
turning around...
then giving and giving and giving... because you have so much

---

blessed...
to be in a position to bless others

complain complain

my arms look FAT in the pics from angus' post!!!!!! *WAIL*

added things to the to-do-list...
1. regain definition
2. lose fat
3. lose some muscle (never thought i'd ever say this...)


lol. i'm depressed now XD

forever?

i was thinking as i fell asleep last night this morning about how we trivalise the words 'forever' and 'always'. in psycho terms, there's this whole 'biased perception of ______ due to heuristics (mental cognitive shortcuts)' thing. but it's sad - that we end up trivalising God's promises, cos God's forever is the real forever, unlike ours - 'aiyah the exams take forever'... 'why do you always do this to me?'

being curious i searched strongs based on Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever
[interesting... cos all the different versions give the same phrasing... super rare.]

anyhow... 'forever' in strongs in greek is αἰών (aiōn)
1) for ever, an unbroken age, perpetuity of time, eternity
2) the worlds, universe
3) period of time, age
and the root word is usually translated as 'always'

essentially.. forever is really forever... an immense sense of time, not our warped human perception. i did a quick search for the word 'forever' in NKJV... and there were promises upon promises that God made to His people... for every 'I will'... it's a promise that is unbreakable, for every commandment/ work... they last for eternity. talk about God being faithful.

and so i guess it boils down to this.
do i trust in my 'forever'?
or do i trust in His forever?
but talking about belief... it's easier said than done. still learning!^^ put my trust, hope in Him - and know that everything will be all right.