519 dollars poorer

but rather happy =D
can you tell why? lol
i really like the canon colours compared to the panasonic... maybe it's the white balance and focus hmmm.
that said... i'm rather broke =S

i owe jane a $300 transfer... after which i'll have about $150 left (without eating into the money my mom put in as a minimum sum)

in 4 months i've spent uh... close to $1800 *scary* on the going out and going out and going out and not earning much XD, paying for phone bill, most of my meals (some supper for my dad), transport (omg $30 a week lor). i think next year i'll have to bring some pounds back to sg to change. meh. since MOE doesn't pay during attachments.

it's been fun, though i never really appreciated it till now - too much of looking at the 'what should be' or 'what could be'instead of enjoying the 'now' - cos well life in sg has changed so much. heh. after i finally adapt to being home, i'm going back to london. ohwell =) lets see what God has in store.

johnny walker is back!

being sick of home... having no place to go and no one to talk to... i went for a walk with Daddy God... and it turned into a 2 hour saga (haha. melvin's intro of me yday was spot on.) went from home to rivervale plaza... followed the lrt track and found myself at compass point (very longwinded walk)... followed the lrt track of the other loop and found myself at the unbuilt end of anchorvale where i met the sengkang sports complex for the first time (the pool is super huuge and pretty... makes me wanna swim in it haha.) then walked the long way back home =)

...

loneliness is more difficult when you aren't actually alone - cos you can't blame it on the fact that there isn't anyone around you

that said...
loneliness isn't true loneliness when Daddy is with you... just have to realise it.

...

appreciation is a difficult lesson to learn...
the smell of cut grass after a rainy day is nice.

...

being an arty farty person... you kinda have to emo.
being emo is the key actually.
you take feelings - and you mould them... into words... notes... shapes... shades... colours and present them for the world to see... and identify with - creations that let people know they're not alone. creativity is born when you find some new expression... new overtones/ undertones... when you merge straightforward emotions with complex situations.. when you create - a film/ a dance/ a photo/ a painting/ a piece of writing...

being emo... you fixate... on the hows, the whens, the whys... being blessed with a good brain... you look for the whys behind the whys... the contingency hows... the what ifs.

being a child of God... you realise (hopefully) that it doesn't matter.
instead of 'why am i here' - it's 'i believe Daddy has good plans to bless me, even here'
instead of 'i hate this job' - it's 'i believe Daddy has me here for a reason, to do something/ meet someone/ to bless and be blessed'
instead of 'i can't do this anymore' - it's 'i believe that Daddy You fight for me... it is done'
instead of 'i can't meet up to expectations - it's 'Jesus is my perfect sacrifice... and i can do all things through Christ'

...

i learnt alot in 2 hrs i think =P

strange feeling

standing on the other side of the freshers camp as a volunteer - talking randomly to people/ running a game... standing around and being dao... barbecueing madly... chatting about school and books and stuff...

realising i have changed - where previously i would be horrified by the innuendo and carefree attitudes, i find now that i simply listen and take it as normal. staying out... accounting, paying my bills have become little things (priviliges?) i take for granted.

...

wondering whether someone really hates me... =S

...

watching a parody of life as people took pleasure from the drinking game - happy... excited...
wondering whether they knew any other, or if that was simply it.
.
.
.
realising that what i've been doing is something akin to that, an attempt at an approximation of joy in an endless slew of activities... forgetting that joy resides in me... facing the supreme emptiness when left alone... then repeating the cycle in an attempt at eradicating that feeling

...

supreme emoness - ehehe =P

28 days

I walked home from the MRT today for the first time since coming back to s'pore. it was really interesting/ nostalgic... remembering the times i walked home in order to 'get home later' or 'get space to think' - which eventually progressed to 'spending time with God' since walking home took 30 min while the train took 5. man... how things have changed. i don't think i'd have believed that i could smile, then, as i am able to now. Daddy God is just so good.

in 28 days things are gonna change again. if i could say one thing about this summer hol... it would be that God was teaching me to be dependant on Him. i don't think i've been repeatedly unsettled so much in such a short period of time.

home has changed - there's no more personal space (no room. i still find myself walking into that room and turning on the light then realising that it is the office, not my room, then walking out again) - boundaries were pushed without me knowing it (dad: supper? ok... make sure you're sent home and buy something back for me)

church has changed - the old cg has been scattered and familiar faces are so far away - the new cg people are in different seasons... experiencing completely different things... having different goals - the video ministry has split into two... operations are carried out by different dua tao's with different styles - going for service on sunday has changed... the cg goes for a different service than i do, so i hang out with a completely different bunch of ppl

friends/ time spent with friends has changed - we're mostly in different seasons now... different schedules, difficulty of meeting has increased a notch - there are way too many people back home for me to really hang out with (all the different different circles)... and then there are the london people with friendships i don't want to lose but don't know how to keep

relationships changed - saying goodbye and trying to accept my mistake ... that it wasn't grounded in the first place... wasn't easy, though i've known what to do for some time now.

whoever said home was familiar was lying. it's probably just easier to be complacent.

a short window of time... and it's time for goodbyes again.
jem left on sunday
kenneth is leaving this sunday (and i haven't even seen him haha. hilarious)
3 sundays more and i'll be gone too.
it's time for change. that is positively frightening.

...

jem said that there should be fewer goodbyes and more hellos... and that i should draw one... so i did lol.
i'm more scared of hellos than goodbyes though (i think my dislike of goodbyes come from the knowledge that i've to say hello to the unfamiliar)

saying hello to new people: you're making a decision to deposit into their emotional bank account... deciding to invest in and be a part of their lives (in some small way)

saying hello to old friends: you wonder whether you're still travelling the same road together... or whether they've been walking a completely different path from you. then as you swap stories and experiences you realise - you're walking parallel paths... with distance now... friends minus the intimacy, or that suddenly the distance has disappeared and you're side by side on the same road, or with surprise you find that it matters not.

saying goodbye... implies a pause... between now and the next time you say hello again - a pause in which oh-so-many-things could change the nature of the next hello.

it's a scary thought.
but at least i know someone who will never change.
and i know He holds my world in His hands.

my flesh

i feel inadequate... truly
in this bunch of people who have so much head knowledge, bible knowledge... people who debate/ discuss words, lines in the passages that i simply read... i am just so small.

all i have to offer is my life... my testimony - all i know is that Daddy loves me, all i can give is what Daddy has given me (but i can't quote chapter and verse without a search engine)...

but as i stand with this group of people, i'm afraid to be different. as they were going through the workshop on leading small group... going through the areas we should focus on, potential problems we might face, practical applications/ tips on leading - my faith just died. kaput. focusing on the wrong things altogether.

'there's no way i can do that... or that... or that... much less all of that together'
i'm pretty much CMI - but i should have known that already
this whole leading thing began as 'not I, but Jesus who lives in me'.
so i managed to share that i'm scared... and said that at the end it had to be God
but i need a revelation... not just knowledge that it's God working in me - rather than chiong off on my own effort - in that case i might as well not do anything... it amounts to such

...

[i saw this on zj's blog http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001813.cfm ...small things... big plan]

true introvert

i think i still like it best when i can shutup and let other ppl do the talking and just watch the interaction =) though for certain things i'll definately speak up... (and if i don't know you well enough i'd probably talk alot. oops.)

...

so there was this chinese mummy and her daughter at the busstop i was at... and another schoolgal - probably the mum's friend's daughter.
so the daughter didn't do something right... and the friend's daughter pointed it out
and the mummy went '你笨啦' (you are so stupid) to her kid 10 times in somth like 2 sentences

no wonder the caucasian kids are smarter...
the conversations i've heard go 'oh darling that's fantastic! you're so smart!'

poor kid.

...

0_o if i added each person that fbook recommends i add (all the 1 degree friends) i'd probably double the number of 'friends' on fbook in 2-3 days.

that is scary. s'pore is waaay small.

suay suay... -_-"

LOL.

i went for lunch with ruth =D an un-rushed one this time... and it turned into 'hang around till 6+pm' where the birds start to colonise orchard road.

and THEN
i don't really have anything to say. i put my hand out when talking about something... then *SHIT* haha - talk about suay


...


i realised that since coming back to spore i haven't done any picture posts... so here are some in chronological order

1. i said goodbye to my room in international hall (i realise i never put up a pic before... the room was always sooo cluttered - and it was so strange to stand at the door and look at it empty as i left)

2. came home and had dinner with the parents (no photo of mom... camera shy)

my daddy's cool rite?

3. before i knew it i was at church camp doing exactly what i love to do - hanging out with Daddy God and videoing ppl=)

photo courtesy of jeremy
i want a pro camera tooooo... but it'd prolly be wasted on a n00b like me

4. 2 days after camp ended i landed up in KL... where my mom paid for my haircut
unfortunately i now need to even it out before going back to london
5. my first outing with a s'pore fren (andrea!)

i was REALLY tickled by this...

meet "Bob" the Emo salmonella bacteria

and the next time we went out was with izzy... where we stood for 10(?)min watching some jap guy make ramen outside some ramen shop -.-" heh. we make good time-wasters


7. hanging out with coach jos one day... we went to some jap anime/ manga merchandise exhibition in suntec and saw a school lego competition exhibit (the theme was 'icons of singapore' or somth like that)

this is raffles eating chicken rice!!!! (you can't see it clearly in the pic but there's the clear soup and the chili sauce too)

this is ah meng embracing a tourist at the zoo... can you believe it?!?!

8. after a whole host of meet-ups and a long time of slacking/working/emoing at home i was prodded to go for the MOE t'chers fellowship that was restarting - and i got this photo when i was on the bus to ian's place.
i didn't know singapore could be so pretty...
9. more recent food outings

exploring french food with the two 'da-ge's for angus' bdae dinner thing

hanging out with the AV juniors

this is kinkit's idea of a cool zen rock garden (we all contributed)
materials: leftover ice cubes and parsley from cha soba, leftover lemon from grilled salmon

wasting life

and watching thingums on youtube...

i'd probably title this one: cup size.. uh H? maybe I... or J...



if cupid could shoot like this we'd all probably be in love



haha i think i need to go out more XD (but i also need to spend less $$! conflict of interest)

i'm elitist... probably

so yesterday was spent hanging out in Jem's house with the old cg gang - and today i'm typing out this entry just before church with a keyboard that has a wonky 'l' key (pardon the typos)

yday was probably the most comfortable group outing with s'pore peeps since coming back to s'pore... maybe cos we all came from the same kind of background... top JCs, going on to uni - and many to overseas uni's (elitist eh.) - no problems understanding each other, no problems with the rapport when speaking english (not perfect.. but no real need to express things in singlish either) maybe cos i'm more slack when with them... no real need to make conversation - being present is enough.

it's crazy... it's different. maybe cos we're from the same church and have the same dreams as well... no need to make sure i would be understood... no need to rephrase so that the other party would understand (comfortable.) haha. that's probably why it's nice to hang out with singaporeans over in london... you can speak of things that only singaporeans know.

fake-o

'this is not real... not real... not real'
was what was going through my head yesterday
'you can't smile like this, you aren't happy, you're not being real'
throughout yday's teachers fellowship... lurking at the corners of my mind - the voice of condemnation. disgusting.

then when i came home it was
'you fake-o, fake-o...'
as i was just talking to old friends.. filling up my days with 'meeting people'
who can i be real to... who do i have to tell things to - technically everyone
realistically? no-one (but that isn't true either) 'fake-o... happy-clappy christian'

so annoying.

Deut 28:7-10

i've been thinking of oh-so-many things that i actually don't know what to blog about. being the very epitome of congestion doesn't help... (i can't believe my ears are blocked too... goodness)

“The LORD will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before your face; they shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways.
In Christ i am victorious... best of all it's undeserved, unearned... and i don't have to do anything. Jesus does the fighting, the conqueroring - i rest and watch as sickness/ tiredness/ lack/ strife/ etc. are expelled from my life
“The LORD will command the blessing on you in your storehouses and in all to which you set your hand, and He will bless you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you.
Daddy God prospers my work... and what i set out to do - not by my efforts but by the blood.
“The LORD will establish you as a holy people to Himself, just as He has sworn to you, if you keep the commandments of the LORD your God and walk in His ways. Then all peoples of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they shall be afraid of you.
I am set apart/ called/ made special through Christ, for in His blood i am made righteous to God. I am uncommon... for i am in Him, and He has blessed me - and it will be seen in my life.


i begin to understand what lionel (my caregroup leader) said the other time... that the only qualification that he had as a leader would be how he has fallen and been set straight by God so many times. so true. and so reassuring cos it isn't 'me' that makes it happen, but Christ who lives in me.

blessed... (2)

really privilleged to be part of the OCF leaders and go for retreat.. just so awed to see people from completely different backgrounds/ denominations/ doctrines (?) come together and discuss plans for OCF, direction etc... and to see God being so real to everyone/ in everyone's lives

i'm surprised that i talked so much throughout the whole thing =P [yah i'm hardheaded and opinionated... still a work in progress^^]
but it was really a privillege to see all the 'behind the scenes'... see the hearts of people... see where God is moving... see the giftings and the passions that He has placed on each one... see how the different well -everything- boiled down to Him and Him alone... how we the pieces/ the players all fit into one big jigsaw puzzle...

blessed.
to simply be friends with such people and walk this road with God together.
i see so many strengths in each of the leaders for next year... and their spirit and revelation in so many areas that i'm weak in - must trust God to change me man =P

worship concert on sat was amazing... really glad i decided to go although it meant missing out on the retreat discussions ... haha and jane going 'can you not go?' to me made it a tougher decision - but i guess tt's my ultimate decision... my relationship with Daddy comes first... must must must receive first to be able to have anything to give - and oh they cut a youth album! haha so cool rite! though listening to it now i don't like the EQ of the cd... want more bass like what they did during the 'concert'... the lead overpowers everything - and i can't hear the backups too... is it just me? haha but the songs are still awesome, the simple spirit of surrender. i stuck one into imeem =)

less spiritual thing...
i was craving starbucks but didn't have time to buy... and my daddy bought some home and i got to drink! hehe

blessed...

hmm... what can i say...

yday was interesting... cos dinner with the IH ppl got cancelled - therefore going down to SGH to pass stuff to my dad would be a wasted trip (1 1/2 hrs to and fro) so i randomly called people (gordon & hweifen)

hwei was meeting some ex cg ppl... jem and glen... so it became mini cg gathering lol. and then. cos IH ppl were free... (3 of my housemates are IH ppl) ... and kenneth & gordon were free, we finally had our many-times-postphoned-house-meeting hoho. all things work for good! =)

today... more interesting... met jem at rj to go say hi to some teachers and just hang out a bit... then went back home, where i got a call from jon who had free movie tix (free... why not rite?) so after meeting 3 ppl from my OBS watch for dinner (the rest suddenly couldn't make it =(...) i went off to ps to try to catch red cliff @ 7.50pm w/ jon & char and... it was sold out. pfft.

with much indecision... and a 4 min phonecall to ask for permission, watched the 9.10 show @ marina sq instead - and it ended at 2335... ie. cannot catch train... ie. screwed. then they went off to esplanade to try to catch a bus home... and i got left alone, so i walked down to suntec convention to intercept a cab, caught one, then got caught in a traffic jam on the CTE (lol.), then when i was almost home got an sms "we're still at esplanade"

better still. the taxi uncle was really nice and gave me a $4 discount! haha.

the best part of the day?
i reached home and faced the parents
"wah so late, how did you come back?"
"i took a cab... argh so expensive"
"how come? how much? were you escorted?"
"20 bucks... missed the last train... gah... so the free movie tix cost $20... not worth it man"
"cheh they didn't send you back... i thought they'd drive like the uni guys"
"no la... not 'old' enough"

and they just turned back to the TV and continued watching their show!
i think that was the best part ever... =) that my parents don't actually think of me as a 13 year old kid... although normally i'd get a 15 min lecture from that.


i think my transport fees for today cost close to $30 though. 0_o scary