new beginnings

i should talk about church camp first i suppose... since i haven't written anything about it at all. but i can't really consolidate what i've received into writing so i'll leave it at that.

my expectation of God going into camp... was that my ceiling (my faith, awareness of his love etc etc.) would become my floor... and that i would begin to move in a new and greater anointing with a greater revelation of Jesus. i got what i asked for to say the least... and it's just interesting how this last week before school reopens has been so challenging in many different ways.

i started teaching on wed - 'rising' to the last minute call to teach the supplementary classes of a teacher who need to go on medical leave. i say 'rising' cos in reality i dragged my feet (on the bright side i walked into the staffroom and heard similar complaints haha.)

so work officially started... and i became officially stressed. cos... well, i'm such a newbie to the school and to teaching... don't know all the procedures... heck, for supplementary class i didn't even know what to teach cos the materials were not ready. and then i realised on friday, that i had no clue what i was going to do with the kids on monday and that i needed to submit weekly lesson plans every monday. so i brought everything home together with a pile of marking and spent the better part of the morning today trying to figure something out. without much success i might add.

throughout all of that... i had zero connection with all i had received from camp. zero dependence on God. zilch. i kind of compartmentalized Him - so my faith stayed in the 'church box' and i threw all of me into the 'work box' and tried to make things work out. but service today was really timely... and reminded me that God really loves me and is faithful... and it's ALL under Him, ALL about Him.

i guess the answer to my prayer is in operation... just thinking about it, God has put me in a position where one of my greatest challenges to my faith - my intellect - is challenged. I'm in a job that i have no expertise in... yet expected to perform in. And from past results and observations - I really cannot make it on my own... and this situation i'm stuck in is causing (or forcing) me to lean on Him. that's a lovely predicament =P God is just too cool

like stray dogs...

i've been thinking too much lately... some thoughts are stray, like dogs - they jump around, run in circles, bark.. make a lot of noise, whine when i don't give them attention, beg to be entertained.
thing is. i don't want to entertain them cos they're stray! i'd much rather look after MY dogs thoughts... the well behaved ones that bring joy into my life and keep Jesus in focus.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ..."
~ 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

But this has been an interesting challenge this week, in an area i never had a problem with before...
you know how the bible says 'Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. ~ 1 Corinthians 6:18"
i just realised how far we actually need to flee... that is to flee as far as to not even take the first curious step into the room (or cyberspace even).

why flee... and why run that far? cos hindsight tells me that i wouldn't even be aware of this struggle had i done that. i am a virgin - physically yes. but i'm not a virgin mentally. what with all the sex scenes in the movies, porn references in fiction (and my very active imagination), chaste kisses turned deep and more sensual, research to understand the sensuality (wikipedia basically - talk about the dangers of the internet! ...and again my very active imagination filled in the gaps.) i created in myself the beginnings of an emotional link with the whole notion of sex.

and so the natural temptation began... the memory/ thought of a kiss long gone... the memory/ thought of a sweet touch in a lonely moment... the desire for pleasure(?) or what i believe pleasure would feel like from what i've imagined and the scenes i've seen in movies... the desire to feel loved and wanted... to make myself feel loved and wanted.

but you see... these thoughts are strays... the devil capitalising on weakness, waiting for me to fall and to condemn me. granted, he wouldn't even have a foothold if i didn't bother to 'increase my knowledge'. still, there is grace for every situation and these intrusions can be dismissed. The answer is just in the next two verses "Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body[c] and in your spirit, which are God’s. ~ 1 Corinthians 6:19-20"

There is a particular strength... a knowledge... that you are loved, you are bought by God, and God dwells in you. At the end of the day, if you know you are that precious, and if you are the temple of the holy spirit, glorious, would you choose to let your hand stray with your thoughts for a moment's pleasure?

in this strength i can say - i wont succumb to temptation.

awkward.

i felt a sudden surge of disconnect today after service, as if everything suddenly dissolved in front of my eyes and i was watching all human connection from afar..

it's the time of the year where all the people studying overseas are back for summer... and this time i'm not one of them. i'm not a fringe person who 'pops by' for caregroup and hangs with 'london friends' or 'old friends'... neither am i an integral part of the church caregroup, simply because our leader got transferred and we're temporarily merging with the other overseas caregroup.

supper tonight was interesting. i was the only girl at the table... and i felt... for the lack of a better word... old. we were talking about travelling and high school pranks and graduation and crazy things that happen overseas, and it was fun... but i had just spent my morning listening to a talk about financial planning, my afternoon trying to type out reflections and work for mom... and all that kind of stuff just feels like a distant memory - which is true cos it's been a year. still. the longing to get away from singapore and the regret that i can't stay in london came back in a flash.

maybe it's cos i didn't know the other guys that well, but the conversation felt young, unchallenged... ready to take on the world... untainted(?) and reminded me of being carefree and kuku and happy... which i really wasn't cos i found i couldn't bring my guard down as much with the new friends. i guess it's time to move up? it's rather evident that i don't belong anymore (i am tempted to say 'anywhere anymore' but i know that's not true)