dealing with...

so i've become really concientious in blogging...
probably due to a combination of the influence of mr vain pot...
and the fact that i'm mugging and have nowhere to run away from my thoughts.
[that. and i'm procrastinating the post about berlin cos i need to photoshop photos]

so. in the shower i was thinking that Daddy was doing some major refurbishment in His temple (my life).. and i'll just name a few areas tt came to mind immediately... (as proof? lol)

-pride-
i was wondering why i get so affected when things don't go the way i planned them to.. or how i feel inferior to people who are doing 'this & that'... and i realised that slowly slowly that is changing. to be secure in His work instead of my own... that's the ideal i guess. pride - is that faulty assurance that as long as you put in your effort you'll get something out of it - and then there's that ultimate drop as you realise you cannot attain what you thought you could. unfortunate that. to actually be born smart... believing i could take on the world with what 'God gifted me with', forgetting how much greater He is.

-trust-
in Daddy first and foremost... and then learning to trust those around me again.
so i was brought up to think that people were out to get me and i couldn't trust anyone outside of the family or i'd get hurt. and then i got hurt by the family: trust no-one. let no one see your hopes, your dreams. let no one see your pain... nor the anguish that that loneliness brings. i do believe that my concept of strength at one point was 'don't let anyone in, if no one can get in, no one can hurt you... don't let anyone see you cry, you can face the world with a smile.. even if it be a mask'... and it makes it all the harder for me to lean on Daddy God instead of depending on myself - well. still learning.

-fear-
of being inadequate, of others' opinions, of losing out (kiasu lol.), of being laughed at etc. (which translates physically into not daring to open up to people i deem 'better' 'more talented' and 'able to look down on me' without an inordinate amount of time... and that need to defend all that i do... to show that i'm well. 'great' as well.)
of myself... and the things i'm able to do when i'm at my wits end.
essentially - fear of life, of living, of having to face the next day. and the next. and the next.
haha. and it boils down to trust again... trust in Daddy... having hope - a good opinion of Him, the knowing that He holds my world, He's in control, and He will never ever harm me.


lots more... some that i'm not aware of at all
i think... i'm learning to be me.

[random imagination: God with a checkboard and a list of 'things-to-do'... "Charity learns to smile at strangers" *check*]