london lesson #02

breaking point.

friday was another mad rush...
after lessons came back to cook for OCF

and then for worship... i screwed up. totally.
i can't be in the right state to worship lead and manage all the arrangements for sound and projection.

1. i forgot to bring the strand equipment bag with the mixer and mics in it
God provided Soph who was coming later to help me get it (though i went home to help her anyway)

2. i clean forgot to bring my lappie for projection - only brought the projector and didn't get someone to do the lyrics (basically clean forgot about the fact that we need projection
God provided Junli and her friend... who had a lappie... and Junli typed in the lyrics on the spot. While Jane moved the program forward to stall for time...

3. by the end of that, though i was initially focused on worship... i was a mess. and disong the worship leader for that night was distracted (we had problems with the projection as well... and most of the songs were new) - so we had two distracted worship leaders.

and then. there was the rest of the night... the talking to people (cos it was the first ocf to split into groups with a lot of new ppl)... wondering what do do for next week's worship... condemning myself for being 'so useless'.
God sent Eugene to take the initiative to ask me about the next week's worship and his team.

and so i went back home a wreck. being broken isn't easy.
esp when it all comes in the span of 3 hours - i can't i can't i can't
and then seeing God provide and going - look. I can I can I can.

i managed to get home and into a room before i started ranting lol.
God i suck. why am i in this position anyway. i don't have the management skills... i don't have the voice... i don't have the musicality... i only have a little... a little... and it isn't enough.. it'll never be enough... will it?

My Grace is sufficient for you.
and He showed me that at each instance of my inability... He brought someone to rescue me. and He held me as i sat there and just gave up - gave up being brave, being good, being useful, being strong. fear not, I am with you
and the first line of Psalms 23 just started ringing in my spirit... the Lord is my Shepherd, i shall not want.

i shall not want.
i shall not be in want.