psalm 107

when was the last time i wrote about darkness here...?

somehow our bible study @ OCF branched off into a sharing thing on... well. 'how did you become a christian? what makes God real to you?'

and i found myself sharing that life story again (ok well. it was kind of my idea to ask that question so...)
maybe it was spirit led... that question... cos i suppose it's no coincidence that i was reading through the archives of this blog on friday afternoon and was just reminded of how the 'old me' used to be. looking at.. say the white-out post in Feb 2007...

interestingly though... i think i'll never be able to tell my testimony the same way i did to my cg back at the HM6 camp - it seems so long ago that i was bound by it... but it's been what... only a year or so?

i've somewhat forgotten (amazing.) what it was like to live under under this shadow...
of condemnation, brokenness, guilt: the 'you're not good enough to live', thoughts of 'hey, wouldn't life be simpler if i were dead'... fear to let anyone in, to drag that person down with me... the will to 'be strong' no matter what... to be unfeeling - cos feelings only get you hurt.

then as i slowly got to know Jesus, the cracks were mended by His love - reassured, restored: now i had a reason to live. and then i was afraid... such overwhelming fear that i would lose my mind again. (yeah the description in the para above probably doesn't cut it... doesn't reflect the inability to think of anything happy... the blade that was my obsession, friend, enemy, fear all at once)

perfect love casts out all fear right?
right. =) and amazingly i stand here whole (possibly still bonkers in the areas God hasn't touched) compared to the wreck i once was. i've been transformed... really. to be who i am now (transformation still in progress) comfortable with who i am in Christ... loving every bit of life He has given me. maybe God should write a manual: 'how to be happy and satisfied: know Jesus'. lol.

...

to sidetrack a bit..
when everyone was describing their experience with God... there was always the 'i can't explain it' and the 'i just know'... i thought maybe i could find a verse tt would describe it... but i got ~Psalm 107 instead. which is really interesting cos diff bits sound like diff clinical things to me...


(this sounds to me like depression/ obsession/ opression)
10 Those who sat in darkness and in the shadow of death,
Bound in affliction and irons—
12 Therefore He brought down their heart with labor;
They fell down, and there was none to help.
13 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
And He saved them out of their distresses.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their chains in pieces.

(and this sounds to me like an eating disorder)
17 Fools, because of their transgression,
And because of their iniquities, were afflicted.
18 Their soul abhorred all manner of food,
And they drew near to the gates of death.
19 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
And He saved them out of their distresses.
20 He sent His word and healed them,
And delivered them from their destructions.



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