my house is

exceedingly abundantly above all i asked & thought. (and yay my internet is up! it came yesterday but i was waaay too tired to do anything but install it)

1. my flat is on southampton row in between russell square and holborn (fantastic area) and about 15min walk to school
2. my landlord is kenneth - my housemate, his mom bought the flat
3. i'm paying 80 pounds a week for a shared room - with utilities and food it'll probably come up to 120 max, which is less than hall fees last year
4. ken's mom handled everything - all the furnishing and decorating... and the house is super atas


so here's a tour of the house:

our front door (a bit harry potter-ish with the number of locks on the door)
walk in and turn left and you reach the living roomto the right of the living room is my room shared with soph... i think you can guess which side is mine... no prizes if you get it right - check out the differences man
if you turn right from the front door you see an uber long corridor
and our shoe cupboard - everything on the right is sophs! and none of those are mine =S
down the corridor a bit and to the left is kenneth's room
then chrissie's room
then there's more corridor

the main toilet on the right

and the kitchen on the left - check out our stockpile of asian cooking goodies
turn right and you hit hermit kingdom - ken and chrissie actually came home once and didn't realise that mr hermit was at home before going out again
the door at the end is mr hermit's room
and mr hermit is poor gordon with the smallest room in the house
and here's the hermit toilet, to the right of mr hermit's room

ohwell. living together has been really eventful.. 2 kitchen accidents liao
1. soph put a muffin in the microwave to heat up and smoked out the house
2. gordon opened the spaghetti packet and forgot he did and a lot of it ended up on the floor
well. among other things...

heh. i actually went around anointing all the rooms with oil on the second day... pray that we'll keep the house running smoothly and maintain peace in the household =)

i am alive

and internetless
and uk phoneless (can call my sg no. but pay international rates =S)
and have built 4 tables and 3 cupboard-rack-things
and i actually have to use the space under the bed for storage.

photos will come when i have internet and can slowly update without being kicked out of the com lab. yup. but the flat i'm in is nice and i'm super blessed to get to stay in it =). just annoyed cos i can't do all the admin things from home grawh.

oh and i broke in the kitchen cooking meat sauce pasta and broccoli in garlic & oyster sauce for 5 ppl =P

and school starts proper on monday! wahhhh

my new baby!

*drumroll* please welcome the newest addition to my family!

hahaha.. well.

CrossRoads Bijou 3... great sound for a small sum of $70 =D but... when i was trying stuff in the shop... there was this pair for $400... and i'm eyeing it... *drools*

in other news - i'm packing... and ironing... and packing... and i'll be flying 2330hrs tmr 19 sept - terminal 3 if you wanna send me off =)

hilarity

there was this guy on the train who was singing to himself...
james blunt - you're beautiful
the result?
horrendous...
can kill cheekuns (worse than angus)
worst thing was that his pitching sucked too... gah - i truly wished for earphones then.
to my amusement, he seemed to be truly confident and happy with his singing 0_o

...

yday was blading, then dinner with operations ppl at waraku
and the bowl sizes were hilarious... hehe. and they were served in order too! small to large.

sam's on the left, then karyong's on the right - when karyong's one was served we went 'woah' when daniel's one was served... 'WOAH'
of course - army jokes came from the army guys - *splash* what's your name? 'don't know' *splash* where's your ____ 'don't know... uh. sir... can you move to the right a bit, the beef is there' - LOL.

...

today @ an atas earphone shop
me (on the pair that renhao was trying): omg... the sound is damn nice...
shop uncle: haha you like it? get it then.
me: but it's $400... no moneyy
shop uncle: don't worry, it's okay... you'll be poor but happy!

...

and later i saw a guitar shop. the pictures are in the order of what caught my attention:

1. PINK guitars 0_o 2. home in for a closer look.
3. OMG... it's a POWERPUFF GUITAR4. what the heck... IT'S SOLD?!?!
and guess what it was hanging next to -_-"

wah

it seems... that going away is much more exciting than coming back. interesting

6 days more... i haven't packed... but my schedule seems to be becoming more and more packed. today's a pretty good example - 11-2 frisbee recee @ bugis(omg the variations were SOO FUNNY... someone PLEASE TAKE PHOTOS of the actual event!!!), 2-5 shower, have lunch, chill @ suntec, 5-8 games at the mind cafe @ purvis st (alot of slapping things and dropping things and citadel), 8-930 cheekun rice @ purvis st, 930ish-10 sitting in a 'voice driven car' (LOL i believed lor... cos i've actually heard of those before. cheat my feelings eph.. only the normal wheel controls)... then a walk from smu to plaza sing to catch the train home

time to defrost/ unchill and get into the mood of doing things again
gosh.

1. buy earphones
2. call cust services to suspend phone line
3. rip sermon cds & get the new hillsong album
4. buy chilli and pastes to bring over
5. do the alcohol inventory for parents
6. sort/ wash/ iron/ fold stuff to bring back & throw out some clothes
7. hang out with the ppl i'm not gonna see again for another 9 mths

yeah... more or less. lol.

jio me to go out hor! and if you're interested, i'm going blading on mon 5ish with various church ppl (mainly arrow ops/ rsm right now i think), text me/ give me a call if you're coming =D

one crabby patty please

once there was a little hermit crab... and a little child (who incidentally is of little consequence)

anyway. the little hermit crab was brought up to believe that everything in the world outside his rock pool was terribly scary - the world was full of seagulls which would eat him... so he stayed in his little rock pool, day after day after day - comfortable, content.


one day the little child picked up the little hermit crab - "mommy look what i found" - "put it back dear, don't kill the poor thing" - but the child didn't put the little hermit crab back into the right pool.

the little hermit crab felt it immediately... the water was colder, the currents were different, the air was strange.. and he was terrified. so he never ventured out of his shell... maybe a leg or two... or a feeler... or an eye was out at any one time - but he never really dared to come out.


but... the little hermit crab finally outgrew its shell and needed to emerge to get a new one.

tentatively. he stuck a feeler... then two... a leg.. then another and another. then suddenly as he was scuttling to his new house he realised - that the rock pool he was now in was not all that much different from the one he grew up in. sure - the waves felt colder, the air was different, but it was very much the same.

after all. he was still living on that same Solid Rock.

everyday thoughts

today i felt like a social misfit/ idiot/ imbecile/ hermit/ etc etc.
oh i dunno.. only about 4 times... maybe more.
then there were the 'oh crap' moments...
maybe a couple thousand and counting

what to do?
... ugh.
thank God - and i say this fervently - that i can't out-sin the grace of God

how to please a perfect God?
especially since the only way pleasing occurs is if you're perfect yourself..
impossible.

all the more amazing to realise that someone - Jesus - has paid... no. overpaid the price of perfection, that God now blesses me with the fruit of Jesus' perfection. amazing that His grace covers all my crap and know that as i behold Him more and more i'm being transformed from glory to glory and won't remain in the 'oh crap' place

fleeting

a glimpse of two men holding hands in the middle of a crowd
tenderly.

...

a smile.
"that's a good book you're reading"
from the lady over the counter

...

a stare from a child as i smiled at her.
*are you an alien?*
there was no ready smile back.

...

chocolate fondue is yummy.
i wonder how the candle heat works... convection conduction... radiation
yeah that's why fires are hot all around. mmm.
who came up with the word radiation anyway..? or conduction or convection...
some geeky scientist... maybe i can make a new word.
hm. emo is a relatively new word...

...

i feel more like me today =)

geeky things

highlight of the week: wednesday
lunch... and movie outing to watch wall-e.. dinner and house meeting (with a super assorted bunch of people)

it's amazing... that pixar can get us to watch a couple of hunks of metal with no dialogue for 1 hour and 38 minutes. okay, i admit. there's dialogue. but most of it goes 'waall-ee'... 'eeevvaaaaa' with various intonations and exclamations. the people who dream up things on pixar are just crazily good - who would've thought there'd be a movie about two robots falling in love?

aside from an interesting wednesday i've been moping around the house and working for the parents... and being geeky.

rubik's cube and sudoku... no life sia.
but i remembered someone saying rubik's cubes make pretty photos... so i tried it outlesson of the day week? i must be careful of distortion now that my camera has a wide angle lens. but man. i love the way i can be more or less closeup and still get a lot of background - will be fun taking this cam on holidays in europe =D.
after solving the cube somth like 20 times a day... no kick liao - but then i still don't really understand the last layer of the cube... still can't grasp it spatially. gah

paradim shift(s)

simplicity. whatever happened to it?

what happened to 'if you lend me your eraser i friend you!' days?
though it's probably a relief that 'you don't play with me i don't friend you' days are over... lol.
why can't those days still exist? we humans aren't that different after all.

what happened to the days where you 'didn't care' cos you knew your parents would take care of everything...?
why can't those days still exist? since Daddy God takes care of everything.

...

small pleasures - going swimming @ my grandma's condo

and speaking of my grandma... who is now a millionaire cos her old flat went en bloc... she happens to be illiterate... and never ever worked in her whole life - and God has always provided.

so blessed... i also want =)

...


and above all... Daddy was just reminding me that He was in charge.
even (especially.) of my $$$

a rather broke charity was calculating how many outings she could have... how many hours she'd have to work to buy a pair of good (not just decent) earphones and considering going for something cheap when she was presented with $400 as 'going away money' to wish her a safe trip to london and to 'encourage' her to study hard.

charity is no longer really broke - and is rather surprised that she isn't.

519 dollars poorer

but rather happy =D
can you tell why? lol
i really like the canon colours compared to the panasonic... maybe it's the white balance and focus hmmm.
that said... i'm rather broke =S

i owe jane a $300 transfer... after which i'll have about $150 left (without eating into the money my mom put in as a minimum sum)

in 4 months i've spent uh... close to $1800 *scary* on the going out and going out and going out and not earning much XD, paying for phone bill, most of my meals (some supper for my dad), transport (omg $30 a week lor). i think next year i'll have to bring some pounds back to sg to change. meh. since MOE doesn't pay during attachments.

it's been fun, though i never really appreciated it till now - too much of looking at the 'what should be' or 'what could be'instead of enjoying the 'now' - cos well life in sg has changed so much. heh. after i finally adapt to being home, i'm going back to london. ohwell =) lets see what God has in store.

johnny walker is back!

being sick of home... having no place to go and no one to talk to... i went for a walk with Daddy God... and it turned into a 2 hour saga (haha. melvin's intro of me yday was spot on.) went from home to rivervale plaza... followed the lrt track and found myself at compass point (very longwinded walk)... followed the lrt track of the other loop and found myself at the unbuilt end of anchorvale where i met the sengkang sports complex for the first time (the pool is super huuge and pretty... makes me wanna swim in it haha.) then walked the long way back home =)

...

loneliness is more difficult when you aren't actually alone - cos you can't blame it on the fact that there isn't anyone around you

that said...
loneliness isn't true loneliness when Daddy is with you... just have to realise it.

...

appreciation is a difficult lesson to learn...
the smell of cut grass after a rainy day is nice.

...

being an arty farty person... you kinda have to emo.
being emo is the key actually.
you take feelings - and you mould them... into words... notes... shapes... shades... colours and present them for the world to see... and identify with - creations that let people know they're not alone. creativity is born when you find some new expression... new overtones/ undertones... when you merge straightforward emotions with complex situations.. when you create - a film/ a dance/ a photo/ a painting/ a piece of writing...

being emo... you fixate... on the hows, the whens, the whys... being blessed with a good brain... you look for the whys behind the whys... the contingency hows... the what ifs.

being a child of God... you realise (hopefully) that it doesn't matter.
instead of 'why am i here' - it's 'i believe Daddy has good plans to bless me, even here'
instead of 'i hate this job' - it's 'i believe Daddy has me here for a reason, to do something/ meet someone/ to bless and be blessed'
instead of 'i can't do this anymore' - it's 'i believe that Daddy You fight for me... it is done'
instead of 'i can't meet up to expectations - it's 'Jesus is my perfect sacrifice... and i can do all things through Christ'

...

i learnt alot in 2 hrs i think =P

strange feeling

standing on the other side of the freshers camp as a volunteer - talking randomly to people/ running a game... standing around and being dao... barbecueing madly... chatting about school and books and stuff...

realising i have changed - where previously i would be horrified by the innuendo and carefree attitudes, i find now that i simply listen and take it as normal. staying out... accounting, paying my bills have become little things (priviliges?) i take for granted.

...

wondering whether someone really hates me... =S

...

watching a parody of life as people took pleasure from the drinking game - happy... excited...
wondering whether they knew any other, or if that was simply it.
.
.
.
realising that what i've been doing is something akin to that, an attempt at an approximation of joy in an endless slew of activities... forgetting that joy resides in me... facing the supreme emptiness when left alone... then repeating the cycle in an attempt at eradicating that feeling

...

supreme emoness - ehehe =P

28 days

I walked home from the MRT today for the first time since coming back to s'pore. it was really interesting/ nostalgic... remembering the times i walked home in order to 'get home later' or 'get space to think' - which eventually progressed to 'spending time with God' since walking home took 30 min while the train took 5. man... how things have changed. i don't think i'd have believed that i could smile, then, as i am able to now. Daddy God is just so good.

in 28 days things are gonna change again. if i could say one thing about this summer hol... it would be that God was teaching me to be dependant on Him. i don't think i've been repeatedly unsettled so much in such a short period of time.

home has changed - there's no more personal space (no room. i still find myself walking into that room and turning on the light then realising that it is the office, not my room, then walking out again) - boundaries were pushed without me knowing it (dad: supper? ok... make sure you're sent home and buy something back for me)

church has changed - the old cg has been scattered and familiar faces are so far away - the new cg people are in different seasons... experiencing completely different things... having different goals - the video ministry has split into two... operations are carried out by different dua tao's with different styles - going for service on sunday has changed... the cg goes for a different service than i do, so i hang out with a completely different bunch of ppl

friends/ time spent with friends has changed - we're mostly in different seasons now... different schedules, difficulty of meeting has increased a notch - there are way too many people back home for me to really hang out with (all the different different circles)... and then there are the london people with friendships i don't want to lose but don't know how to keep

relationships changed - saying goodbye and trying to accept my mistake ... that it wasn't grounded in the first place... wasn't easy, though i've known what to do for some time now.

whoever said home was familiar was lying. it's probably just easier to be complacent.

a short window of time... and it's time for goodbyes again.
jem left on sunday
kenneth is leaving this sunday (and i haven't even seen him haha. hilarious)
3 sundays more and i'll be gone too.
it's time for change. that is positively frightening.

...

jem said that there should be fewer goodbyes and more hellos... and that i should draw one... so i did lol.
i'm more scared of hellos than goodbyes though (i think my dislike of goodbyes come from the knowledge that i've to say hello to the unfamiliar)

saying hello to new people: you're making a decision to deposit into their emotional bank account... deciding to invest in and be a part of their lives (in some small way)

saying hello to old friends: you wonder whether you're still travelling the same road together... or whether they've been walking a completely different path from you. then as you swap stories and experiences you realise - you're walking parallel paths... with distance now... friends minus the intimacy, or that suddenly the distance has disappeared and you're side by side on the same road, or with surprise you find that it matters not.

saying goodbye... implies a pause... between now and the next time you say hello again - a pause in which oh-so-many-things could change the nature of the next hello.

it's a scary thought.
but at least i know someone who will never change.
and i know He holds my world in His hands.

my flesh

i feel inadequate... truly
in this bunch of people who have so much head knowledge, bible knowledge... people who debate/ discuss words, lines in the passages that i simply read... i am just so small.

all i have to offer is my life... my testimony - all i know is that Daddy loves me, all i can give is what Daddy has given me (but i can't quote chapter and verse without a search engine)...

but as i stand with this group of people, i'm afraid to be different. as they were going through the workshop on leading small group... going through the areas we should focus on, potential problems we might face, practical applications/ tips on leading - my faith just died. kaput. focusing on the wrong things altogether.

'there's no way i can do that... or that... or that... much less all of that together'
i'm pretty much CMI - but i should have known that already
this whole leading thing began as 'not I, but Jesus who lives in me'.
so i managed to share that i'm scared... and said that at the end it had to be God
but i need a revelation... not just knowledge that it's God working in me - rather than chiong off on my own effort - in that case i might as well not do anything... it amounts to such

...

[i saw this on zj's blog http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001813.cfm ...small things... big plan]

true introvert

i think i still like it best when i can shutup and let other ppl do the talking and just watch the interaction =) though for certain things i'll definately speak up... (and if i don't know you well enough i'd probably talk alot. oops.)

...

so there was this chinese mummy and her daughter at the busstop i was at... and another schoolgal - probably the mum's friend's daughter.
so the daughter didn't do something right... and the friend's daughter pointed it out
and the mummy went '你笨啦' (you are so stupid) to her kid 10 times in somth like 2 sentences

no wonder the caucasian kids are smarter...
the conversations i've heard go 'oh darling that's fantastic! you're so smart!'

poor kid.

...

0_o if i added each person that fbook recommends i add (all the 1 degree friends) i'd probably double the number of 'friends' on fbook in 2-3 days.

that is scary. s'pore is waaay small.

suay suay... -_-"

LOL.

i went for lunch with ruth =D an un-rushed one this time... and it turned into 'hang around till 6+pm' where the birds start to colonise orchard road.

and THEN
i don't really have anything to say. i put my hand out when talking about something... then *SHIT* haha - talk about suay


...


i realised that since coming back to spore i haven't done any picture posts... so here are some in chronological order

1. i said goodbye to my room in international hall (i realise i never put up a pic before... the room was always sooo cluttered - and it was so strange to stand at the door and look at it empty as i left)

2. came home and had dinner with the parents (no photo of mom... camera shy)

my daddy's cool rite?

3. before i knew it i was at church camp doing exactly what i love to do - hanging out with Daddy God and videoing ppl=)

photo courtesy of jeremy
i want a pro camera tooooo... but it'd prolly be wasted on a n00b like me

4. 2 days after camp ended i landed up in KL... where my mom paid for my haircut
unfortunately i now need to even it out before going back to london
5. my first outing with a s'pore fren (andrea!)

i was REALLY tickled by this...

meet "Bob" the Emo salmonella bacteria

and the next time we went out was with izzy... where we stood for 10(?)min watching some jap guy make ramen outside some ramen shop -.-" heh. we make good time-wasters


7. hanging out with coach jos one day... we went to some jap anime/ manga merchandise exhibition in suntec and saw a school lego competition exhibit (the theme was 'icons of singapore' or somth like that)

this is raffles eating chicken rice!!!! (you can't see it clearly in the pic but there's the clear soup and the chili sauce too)

this is ah meng embracing a tourist at the zoo... can you believe it?!?!

8. after a whole host of meet-ups and a long time of slacking/working/emoing at home i was prodded to go for the MOE t'chers fellowship that was restarting - and i got this photo when i was on the bus to ian's place.
i didn't know singapore could be so pretty...
9. more recent food outings

exploring french food with the two 'da-ge's for angus' bdae dinner thing

hanging out with the AV juniors

this is kinkit's idea of a cool zen rock garden (we all contributed)
materials: leftover ice cubes and parsley from cha soba, leftover lemon from grilled salmon

wasting life

and watching thingums on youtube...

i'd probably title this one: cup size.. uh H? maybe I... or J...



if cupid could shoot like this we'd all probably be in love



haha i think i need to go out more XD (but i also need to spend less $$! conflict of interest)

i'm elitist... probably

so yesterday was spent hanging out in Jem's house with the old cg gang - and today i'm typing out this entry just before church with a keyboard that has a wonky 'l' key (pardon the typos)

yday was probably the most comfortable group outing with s'pore peeps since coming back to s'pore... maybe cos we all came from the same kind of background... top JCs, going on to uni - and many to overseas uni's (elitist eh.) - no problems understanding each other, no problems with the rapport when speaking english (not perfect.. but no real need to express things in singlish either) maybe cos i'm more slack when with them... no real need to make conversation - being present is enough.

it's crazy... it's different. maybe cos we're from the same church and have the same dreams as well... no need to make sure i would be understood... no need to rephrase so that the other party would understand (comfortable.) haha. that's probably why it's nice to hang out with singaporeans over in london... you can speak of things that only singaporeans know.

fake-o

'this is not real... not real... not real'
was what was going through my head yesterday
'you can't smile like this, you aren't happy, you're not being real'
throughout yday's teachers fellowship... lurking at the corners of my mind - the voice of condemnation. disgusting.

then when i came home it was
'you fake-o, fake-o...'
as i was just talking to old friends.. filling up my days with 'meeting people'
who can i be real to... who do i have to tell things to - technically everyone
realistically? no-one (but that isn't true either) 'fake-o... happy-clappy christian'

so annoying.

Deut 28:7-10

i've been thinking of oh-so-many things that i actually don't know what to blog about. being the very epitome of congestion doesn't help... (i can't believe my ears are blocked too... goodness)

“The LORD will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before your face; they shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways.
In Christ i am victorious... best of all it's undeserved, unearned... and i don't have to do anything. Jesus does the fighting, the conqueroring - i rest and watch as sickness/ tiredness/ lack/ strife/ etc. are expelled from my life
“The LORD will command the blessing on you in your storehouses and in all to which you set your hand, and He will bless you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you.
Daddy God prospers my work... and what i set out to do - not by my efforts but by the blood.
“The LORD will establish you as a holy people to Himself, just as He has sworn to you, if you keep the commandments of the LORD your God and walk in His ways. Then all peoples of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they shall be afraid of you.
I am set apart/ called/ made special through Christ, for in His blood i am made righteous to God. I am uncommon... for i am in Him, and He has blessed me - and it will be seen in my life.


i begin to understand what lionel (my caregroup leader) said the other time... that the only qualification that he had as a leader would be how he has fallen and been set straight by God so many times. so true. and so reassuring cos it isn't 'me' that makes it happen, but Christ who lives in me.

blessed... (2)

really privilleged to be part of the OCF leaders and go for retreat.. just so awed to see people from completely different backgrounds/ denominations/ doctrines (?) come together and discuss plans for OCF, direction etc... and to see God being so real to everyone/ in everyone's lives

i'm surprised that i talked so much throughout the whole thing =P [yah i'm hardheaded and opinionated... still a work in progress^^]
but it was really a privillege to see all the 'behind the scenes'... see the hearts of people... see where God is moving... see the giftings and the passions that He has placed on each one... see how the different well -everything- boiled down to Him and Him alone... how we the pieces/ the players all fit into one big jigsaw puzzle...

blessed.
to simply be friends with such people and walk this road with God together.
i see so many strengths in each of the leaders for next year... and their spirit and revelation in so many areas that i'm weak in - must trust God to change me man =P

worship concert on sat was amazing... really glad i decided to go although it meant missing out on the retreat discussions ... haha and jane going 'can you not go?' to me made it a tougher decision - but i guess tt's my ultimate decision... my relationship with Daddy comes first... must must must receive first to be able to have anything to give - and oh they cut a youth album! haha so cool rite! though listening to it now i don't like the EQ of the cd... want more bass like what they did during the 'concert'... the lead overpowers everything - and i can't hear the backups too... is it just me? haha but the songs are still awesome, the simple spirit of surrender. i stuck one into imeem =)

less spiritual thing...
i was craving starbucks but didn't have time to buy... and my daddy bought some home and i got to drink! hehe

blessed...

hmm... what can i say...

yday was interesting... cos dinner with the IH ppl got cancelled - therefore going down to SGH to pass stuff to my dad would be a wasted trip (1 1/2 hrs to and fro) so i randomly called people (gordon & hweifen)

hwei was meeting some ex cg ppl... jem and glen... so it became mini cg gathering lol. and then. cos IH ppl were free... (3 of my housemates are IH ppl) ... and kenneth & gordon were free, we finally had our many-times-postphoned-house-meeting hoho. all things work for good! =)

today... more interesting... met jem at rj to go say hi to some teachers and just hang out a bit... then went back home, where i got a call from jon who had free movie tix (free... why not rite?) so after meeting 3 ppl from my OBS watch for dinner (the rest suddenly couldn't make it =(...) i went off to ps to try to catch red cliff @ 7.50pm w/ jon & char and... it was sold out. pfft.

with much indecision... and a 4 min phonecall to ask for permission, watched the 9.10 show @ marina sq instead - and it ended at 2335... ie. cannot catch train... ie. screwed. then they went off to esplanade to try to catch a bus home... and i got left alone, so i walked down to suntec convention to intercept a cab, caught one, then got caught in a traffic jam on the CTE (lol.), then when i was almost home got an sms "we're still at esplanade"

better still. the taxi uncle was really nice and gave me a $4 discount! haha.

the best part of the day?
i reached home and faced the parents
"wah so late, how did you come back?"
"i took a cab... argh so expensive"
"how come? how much? were you escorted?"
"20 bucks... missed the last train... gah... so the free movie tix cost $20... not worth it man"
"cheh they didn't send you back... i thought they'd drive like the uni guys"
"no la... not 'old' enough"

and they just turned back to the TV and continued watching their show!
i think that was the best part ever... =) that my parents don't actually think of me as a 13 year old kid... although normally i'd get a 15 min lecture from that.


i think my transport fees for today cost close to $30 though. 0_o scary

crazeeee

haha i can't say being home is not interesting...

so my daddy did coffee enema on sat nite... then the whole of sunday he was having diarrhea... then cos he was bleeding my mom sent him to the hospital... then because he was bleeding they warded him to find out the cause... and because he got warded i then got to 'relief teach' his classes last night - and handle all the admin work as well...

bleh. haha. lets just say 'all things work for good' cos Daddy God is good... and now i have twice the amount of spending money than before cos teaching gets me more pay =P

being real

there is no such thing as 'one day i shall be like Jesus' like it's some level of progression thing... or some 10 steps to improvement... there is no 'oh he's a leader, God must hear him more than me, he has more faith'...

as much as you can say 'oh i know blah blah already' as much as you can quote bible verses, proclaim the word of God, do things for God... there's still so much more. and it is definitely not true when you say 'oh i'm over that struggle' cos the flesh is weak...

as much as i can say 'Daddy loves me' there are still so many areas where i simply miss the point. and i would have thought it'd be over by now, the wrestle with insecurities, with expectations, with cutting (yes indeed. the thoughts still do come... my body still remembers the exhilaration and yearns for it...) don't i know i have been saved? yeah i do. don't i know that Jesus is all that i need? yeah i do.

but i need to know Him, implement it... make it mine... be real with the person, not memorise the doctrine.

we were singing in worship today 'You are my freedom, Jesus You're the reason' and after a few times 'freedom' was sung... it dawned on me that i haven't been excercising it.

since coming back home it's been 'aiyah cannot la... parents...' 'cannot... no sing dollar' cannot this, cannot that... and probably not because it's really impossible but that there's no spirit to fight..
spirit of defeat - that things won't change/ can't change... and so afraid that things would go back to the way they were before... the lack of freedom... getting such a negative response everytime i say i'm going out.. being a hermit at home instead, accomplishing nothing.

i forgot. that whatever change that has happened since london... was His doing. and that i can't undo with my efforts what God does (the same way i can't sin more than His grace can cover). i forgot that all my efforts to change things were futile... nothing changed until He changed me.
i forgot that Jesus is my provider - rising oil costs? pshaw... must work for money to spend in sg? yeah... but He does the providing
i forgot that Jesus is my healer - disobedient eyes... jet lag.. so what?
i forgot that Jesus is my true love - so what if the parents fight? so what if the relationship doesn't work out?

freedom.

Deut 28:1-6

this is probably something i should have done long ago... haha since the word for this year was that we would realise the blessings of Deut 28. only that in the whole mugging and doing stuff i never got round to meditating on it (and completely forgot about it to be honest) but well. it's never too late to start^^

“Now it shall come to pass, if you diligently obey the voice of the LORD your God, to observe carefully all His commandments which I command you today,
i, having been qualified in the righteousness of Christ
that the LORD your God will set you high above all nations of the earth.
am positioned by God
And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the LORD your God:
to receive every good thing God has willed in my life - no not just that. to have blessings chase after me... even as i chase after God
“Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the country.
no matter where i am, what circumstance i'm in, i'm blessed, for You are with me
“Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, the produce of your ground and the increase of your herds, the increase of your cattle and the offspring of your flocks.
“Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl.
i am made to prosper in all that i do, in quantity and quality
“Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.
my househould shall be blessed, in interaction, in peace.. and blessed shall be my workplace, in efficiency, income and purpose

oh lookie what i found on youtube

lovely choreography... man...


in any case.
i don't know what i'm doing... don't know where i'm going
but i guess that's where Daddy can use me

i'm learning that... slowly slowly - haha need it to be knocked into me man
time of seasoning.
take a verse... rub it in... marinate.
then poke (ouch.) and see whether what comes out is sweet.

shucks. i kinda wish i could skip the revealing of flesh...
skip the boring waiting...
and skip the poking. (change hurts.)
but there are so many things God needs to change
change heart
change mind
change soul
and it takes time to be more and more like Him yeah?
so i surrender.
break me Lord.
break this caged mentality,
break the expectations, the guilt
so my focus is You.

awesome

so today was servers nite... and pastor was sharing some amazing stuff... and giving us a challenge.. to have not just a reason to serve for a short time but to have a revelation and to run with it
i'm awed by what God is doing.

and haha. suddenly i feel less alone
just reminded WHO's doing the calling
and that He's not just calling me (oh look. i'm selfcentered & egoistic =P)
and that He's not gonna call me and leave me high and dry


it's all about Jesus.
and i don't wanna sit around waiting for things to happen
i wanna be USED.

[and i think the song ps benjamin was talking about was 'let the worshippers arise'... but i might be wrong. lol. diff generation indeed]

under construction

i kinda like the mental image of that...
stuck with me a whole week since ps joshua used it as an illustration in last week's service

we get frustrated with people...
frustrated that whatever we do can't seem to change the person
but remember... that each person is a 'construction site'
where the headings on the billboard outside the site probably say:

UNDER CONSTRUCTION
We regret the inconvenience caused.

Main Contractor: God
Site manager: Holy Spirit
Foreman: Jesus

notice your name is nowhere to be seen?

speak singlish please?

lol... convo today with my vid dua tao

me: ugh i got a stye and the eyelid of one eye is very heavy & hard to open
him: stye? what's a stye?
me: uhh... when your hair folicle is clogged then it gets infected and swells... it's like a pimple on your eyelid... but it's not really a pimple... uhhhh
him: *uncomprehending look* okay...
me: ummm... bak jiam lah
him: cheh, why didn't you say that in the first place... then don't need so much explanation


ohwell. singlish pwn english.

that said. i'm going to do something with my life...
something that doesn't involve the parents or family business.
we shall see.
anyone got lobang for event based jobs?

0_o

beeg reminder from Daddy...
that friendships are also His gift... and His responsibility to maintain
i just got a postcard from gillian...
someone i met in sec 2 at a church camp that wasn't even my church's
someone who's m'sian... who has many many different postal addresses

someone i was thinking of sending a postcard to when i was in italy
[but her address was in a book back home here in s'pore]
whose postcard just came from italy saying i had to go there sometime

Godly friendships depend on God eh.

and you're not forgotten.

dislocated & dissatisfied

so i finally found the words to express the 'nagging feeling'

dislocated... meeting london friends in spore is weird.
...like 'hmm i should be on oxford street or something... or in someone's hall/ apartment'
...that the people you'd talk to everyday over there you talk to only once a week when you're 'home'
... you talk about things differently cos well, it would just be weird with s'pore's culture
... different topics cos over here cos ambitions and dreams seem to have taken shelter in some hidden corner, hiding away from the practicalities of 'what i have to do' and 'what other people want me to do'

dissatisfied with what i'm doing now... namely nothing.
waking up and deciding that since i won't do anything useful anyway i might as well go back to sleep =S
i think i've too easily assimilated into the past life - working for parents, staying at home and being guai - but a big big part of me is craving the freedom of london... and that big big part seems to be becoming rather bitter (help Daddy...)

so again i've been asking... what am i living for?
yes. God.. but so? how then? what then? why then?
what is it really... this 'doing what God has called me to do'

and then today Reuben reminded me of my testimony...
which reminded me that Daddy's in control...
for something so painful to touch lives...

i'll believe that i'm growing - even though i feel like i'm being left behind
now's the time for receiving like no other.


maybe that's why this chorus has been ringing in my spirit

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of
His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
~Steven Curtis Chapman - 'God Is God'

-.-"

so. i dreamt that i was somewhere backpacking...
and i was carrying a zara shopping bag
and i went to macs to eat lunch
then i was done with lunch
and i left my stuff for all of a min and went to throw the rubbish away
when i came back my shopping was gone
i asked the two guys at my table (random strangers) many questions
one of which was 'how did the person look?'
and the answer 'pudgy'
'where did he/ she go?'
'she went to the terminal station'
so i grabbed my backpack and ran to the terminal station... and very 'bu gan yuan'

and then i woke up... and it was 9.30am

and so i went back to sleep to try to dream the end 0_o
so i saw someone jump on a tram carrying a zara bag and i ran after her... to no avail

and when i next woke up it was 2pm.
oh goodness -.-"

it feels odd

cos i've just realised that i've kinda walked out of the lives of 30-odd people and i'm walking into the lives of 30-odd other people. fine. not 'out' per-se... but they won't be the people i talk to every week, the people i share things with, the people i do random things with (not as often anyhow). i suppose that's why people don't like changing cg... and maybe i've been spoilt as well... always moving in the same circles.

that is scary... somehow.

and recently i've also been feeling like i live a 'london' life separate from the 'singapore' life... the social circles are all too different. changing from near total privacy to having parents who would read my emails over my shoulder... and my text messages -.-" lol. but to think... that the 40 odd people who are 'family' over there... once uni ends and we all come back... it's just gonna be like this... kinda there.. kinda gone.. (probably my fault also for not going for summer ocf... doing churchy things 3/4 nights a week... would love to, but not quite possible at the moment =P)

and then there are the many many people i know and haven't talked to in ages... some i've lost contact with.

i just wonder... is this it?
is that all there is to it?
and i think... somehow this would be all the more so when teaching... batch after batch of people you spend time with... batch after batch who disappear.

live for today eh?

truce over

lol. now that it's happened i know why i've been feeling weirded out
it's been very peaceful at home, no one screaming their lungs out at the other
something like walking on thin ice... maybe because i've 'just come home'

now it feels more normal...
sad isn't it, that normal = war

sleep in the same room as the parents after they quarrel?
no thanks.

i think i shall be good friends with my couch by the time i go back to london =P

sorry

my mistake.
but at least this masquerade is over.

the difference

is that there isn't a culture of "doing nothing"

sitting down and listening to a sermon doesn't come as easily.. or having time to think even.
there's always a 'what shall we do?' question hanging in the air
or a 'you're free right, can you do ______"

haha or maybe it's just my family.
staying at home = do work for parents
if not = go out
interesting.

but going around from job to job to outing to outing is just strange
it feels strange now to be driven by my activities ... rather than to drive them

haha this is like the epitome of needing to try hard to rest =P

a taste...

of the kind of things i'll be marking in the future:

dear Auntie,
I would like a ___ for my ____....
I looked forward to seeing you, hope to see you soon.
Your godson,
____


man... sounds like she died or somth lol

tense problems... i understand
preposition problems?? uhh... how do you confuse 'on' and 'around'?
strange.

what have i been doing

yeah indeed. what have i been doing since coming home...?

uh...
1. waking up late - my sleeping time has gone to normal but my waking up hasn't =S if i wake up at 10am i feel like i haven't slept... and so i've been waking up at 2pm (half my day gone 0_o)
2. working for parents and typing stuff and marking stuff
check this out: 'a square peg in a round hole = impossible' when they're supposed to write down the meaning of the idiom. LOL. it makes perfect sense though XD
3. hanging out with people... surprisingly not that much =S haha but i guess tt's cos there's like 2 mths more and people are in ns and stuff

not very interesting to blog about... so pardon the lack of posts =P

i've also not touched my guitar although i've been meaning to..
nor gone to HSBC... nor paid my phone bill (oh crap. must do tmr)
nor called UCL (i dun wanna know actually =P but MOE does)
and i'm too lazy to blog about italy... so must wait till i'm inspired... and facebook stops fighting me over uploads

but i have a video to edit now =D which makes up for not doing all i've intended to do =)

... meh

somehow... no matter what conversation i have with my mom about... well... whatever... she somehow makes me feel like an idiot.

i wonder why.

decisions for uni...
marking books & working for her...
life decisions especially... (and this keeps coming up =S)

too naive and all that...
hmm does that mean i have to be as guarded and jaded as you?
i wonder.

much amused =)

i was reading 'the word on the street' cos it fell out from the cupboard where all my things are stuffed in... (a gift from my cg... uh... 5 years ago? lol) and man, it's amusing. it basically paraphrases verses from the bible that form coherent stories and puts them in street lingo.

check out proverbs 17:28
Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace;
When he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive. [NKJV]

and in street lingo:
If an idiot keeps his mouth shut, some might think he knows something. They might guess he's weighing it all up to spout something profound.

hehe. i like.

Romans 6:
8-10
So the Old Us is dead and the New Us gets to live with Jesus. And we know the Liberator came back to life so he can't die again. Death's no longer the big noise. Jesus died to sort out our mess, once, for all our accounts. But in this new life, he lives facing God and looking him straight in the eye - 'cos he can.

11-14
Likewise, count yourself as dead to the mess, and live your life facing towards God - full on, standing toe to toe. And don't let the mess call the shots, so you're just a puppet, pulled into all sorts of stuff that's part of the Old You - forced to dance to whatever's on the ghetto blaster. Cut the strings. Pull the power. Wake up. Get a life; then offer that new lease of life to God, so he can use it to make good things happen. The mess is not your boss, 'cos you're not answering to the Rules but to God's gifts, delivered with freedom included.

15-18
What then? Shall we create even more mess, just 'cos we don't have to answer to the Rules? No way! Haven't you been listening? If you say to some guy, "Yeah sure, whatever you say," you're like his yes-man, his slave aren't you? The choice is, slaves to the mess, product equals death. Or slaves to doing the right thing, product equals life. Thank God: though you were a slave to the mess, you went 110 percent for the teaching you were given. So you've been set free from the mess and you freely signed up to doing the right thing.

19-23
I'm keeping the visual aids simple 'cos you're still a bit slow on the uptake with some of this. you were one of the filth-slaves. So now sign up as one of the volunteer slaves to the pure. and all that - that you're now so ashamed of - what did you get out of it? Apart from death! But now you're free of all that, and you're volunteer slaves to God. You're well set up and I'm not just talking money. I'm talking purity and life with no limits - result! Your old paycheck had nothing but slow death crawling out of it. But God's gift is quality life that lasts and has no sell-by date, 'cos of Jesus our Boss.

ARGHARGHARGH

i changed my UCL password... correctly i hope
and either i pressed a wrong password twice
or... argh... maybe my account got blocked cos the password didn't change

*WAIL*
i can't get in, can't get my results!!
time for overseas calling =((
argh.

man... things to do this summer

1. play guitar again (lol.)
2. do as many of my craft projects as possible
3. earn some $$$ (i need it... i have like $300 to spend this whole summer... and i'm now paying for everything i use =S)
4. go out with a lot a lot of people =D - quick quick book dates with me =P randomly jio also can (though now there's this extra step of getting parental clearance... and curfew)


things i REALLY need to do this summer... and soon

1. go to HSBC and figure out how to use my card... if it's only debit w/o nets & if it's w/ w/o a pin (which incidentally i need to try out at an atm) - i am almost penniless... or cent-less to be exact.
2. figure out that UCL password & call in to get my results
3. contact the scholarship officer & tell results/ spore stuff/ claim $$ for the hd i bought
4. start being more 'in' on church things... and spending time with Daddy (must must must)
5. Slow Down. muchly
6. and many many more i can't remember at the moment


life was simpler without the parents... ohwell
without the 'can you help me's and the 'so and so needs such and such'
haha.
i knew i was back when the parents started bickering in the car.
but hooray for friends, lovely church ppl & awesome sermons =)

and for all of the above... Daddy You resolve it yeah
[and that life situation too =P]

insanity is

what i've been doing this past month.

so...
23/5 exams ended
24/5 - 25/5 pack room like crazy
26/5 - 27/ 5 very fast tour of london with heidi
28/5 - 5/6 touring in italy: naples, rome, florence, pisa, milan
6/6 continuation of very fast tour of london with heidi
7/6 pack room like crazy & move stuff to friend's place
8/6 pack everything else to go home & fly back
9/6 reach singapore, eat, sleep
10/6 do some speed shopping for servers colour coordination of shirts & pack for camp
11/6 -14/6 church camp =)
15/6 sunday service & IT fair
16/6 relax a bit... pack again
17/6 - 21/6 to KL to visit relatives

okay. then i can finally start meeting people and catching up =D if this is any indication... the holiday's gonna pass reeall fast

hitting the mark

just got back from church camp... and i'm really blessed by it

i guess i could say the recurring theme of the camp would be how His strength is made perfect in our weakness... how there is such power in being vulnerable and real... how it is His strength in His grace that causes us to 'hit the mark' - to not-sin, cos sin is simply 'missing the mark'

i'm awed by the amount of confirmation in this camp... that nothing of my decisions, of the people i've met, the things i've learnt have been a coincidence. and better still knowing that i have not missed out on the portion Daddy has for me though London was rather lacking in spiritual food and leadership (haha probably cos i haven't joined any cell). even as pastor(s) were preaching i was just spotting little nuggets of truth that i've been slowly assimilating in london... the little little things that i've learnt from friends there, things that pastor so eloquently put into words.

this was one... very very different camp. and i must say it all worked out for good. first of all that servers were separated from campers and had their own cluster - i thought it'd be weird... but it was a blessing in disguise, cos after all, i'm completely new to my cg, and coming back to the serving team and getting to know one or two people is different & probably easier than entering an already bonded group and trying to get to know a lot of people. and then there was a lack of rooms at the resort... so we got to stay in holiday inn - and had an entire suite!! and holiday inn vs harris resort hehehe. lets just say the rooms and the breakfast were much much better... and even with the inconvenience of having to bus to and fro, i think it was worth it =)

really blessed by the opportunity to serve in this camp... and to serve so much at that. with only two videographers & two projectionists... we were serving all the time. and i saw a change in my attitude - which was amazing... more of the 'here Lord, this is all i have, take it and use it'... and praise God... more of God blessing and multiplying what i had! cos truly, serving in vid is no joke.. running around with a not-so-light vid cam and having to stand up for the whole service (which can last for 3 hrs or so) takes a lot out of you physically and mentally... and i could really see His grace in all the rushing here and there to do stuff - to have fun while having a long list of things to do/ rushing stuff, really takes God =)

it was different.
new season. new anointing =D

berlin ist sehr kalt (27/3)-day4

very very belated post... last day of berlin
we had gooood breakfast for only 5 euros! courtesy of our hostel... and relak one korner till late late in the afternoon =P

then we went out of town to one of the concentration camps... interesting...

the plan of the camp these remind me of hostel bunks
foot-washing area
this reminds me of my hall room... without the grill of courselaterines anyone? junli looks amazingly happy though shut into a cell...

and then after a very rushed tour... it was goodbye berlin! =(

my 4 travelling companionswho were really really amazing on the trip =Dlast look at berlin... and we flew back to london!

i really loved it... enough to miss berlin when i went back to london. haha we should go for a trip again! the 5 of us =D

with much love.. i sign off... lol.
and all you 'mat' wannabes must follow this sign! (it was at the concentration camp btw)

home!

i'm back safe and sound...
i'm super hot
i've no room
i'm wearing mothball smelling clothes
i'll be living out of a suitcase for the next 4 mths

but still. i guess it's home.
though it feels weird to walk down the streets and see chinese and chinese and hear singlish

angus your pedals are safe!
and my dad is watching and is having dates with a vampire!
and and my dad sings '一人一半' as well 0_o

chrissie your laptop is safe!


and and i have some SHOPPING to do for camp cos
1) i have not the colours needed by servers
2) i have not any travel soaps
3) i need to change moneyy

and i'm almost dysfunctional... and incoherent... zzzz time

preview

i am still alive yes. just haven't had time to blog...

so i went to italy (naples, rome, florence, pisa, milan) from the 28/5 till 5th june... got back at 3am on the 6th... and have been packing my room non-stop. haven't had time to even do a countdown to today... haha actually... haven't really slept either. just moved all my london stuff to a fren's place to store yesterday... and i'm leaving today! and my room is getting less and less like my room and more and more like a room.

i owe blogposts for...
the last day of the berlin trip
the italy trip - only highlights... 9 days is a bit much to blog individually
so i shall plant myself at the comp on the 10th and chiong everything at one go. woohoo! then it's CHURCH CAMP =D

leaving is bittersweet... as always. i don't think i'll miss london... and i haven't really been missing s'pore either. but london has become home. you think of distances differently... 3 hrs is relatively short... a 30 min walk is nothing...it'll probably take some time for me to stop saying 'tube' instead of 'mrt' as well. i'll definately miss the freedom - no parents! haha and the nighttime walks/ walking home at 2am with other ppl cos transport is infrequent at night and the tube is closed at 12... hmm i dunno.

oh i forgot i was supposed to evict by 10. ohwell.