in wonder

there are just way too many broken & lost people out there...

and for the ones i actually know - there is nothing i can do but watch... and trust that Daddy will take care of the situation.

...

Ezekiel 34 is a really interesting chapter

...

when will the time come that i really just flow with the Spirit... and not worry about things... and be so full... that all i do becomes easy?
sometimes life feels like 1 step forwards and 3 steps back... it's odd.

...

i am leaving for krakow in just over 24 hours... and there are so many things to do... wow.

procrastination

i have an essay to do, and i need to take a nap... therefore i am blogging
(awesome reasoning skills eh?)

point form for events:
1. i went to a halloween boat party 7-11pm yday after a 10am to 7pm day and it was actually fun. [photos to come when i'm back from my trip!]
2. it snowed (in october... 0.0)
3.worship prac was interesting today cos my voice isn't quite right from being sick the past couple of days. BUT. omg i have discovered talent! titus is damn good at piano... although he says he can't improv... but he's actually really good. tsk.
4. i just found out the weather forecast for krakow and prague is actually pretty warm so i'm not gonna freeze and die during reading week! (maybe cos all the cold winds came here... hmm) well by warm i mean above 8 degC

...

i was just thinking tt it's kinda sad that i haven't talked to a lot of people in quite a long time. properly that is. it's kinda interesting... like how water flows through a pipe... a brief touch & connection, then it's gone, an then it touches the next bit of pipe. aside from the house people that's what it's been for relationships in and out of london - odd. a momentary 'hi, how are you', an action, then the next day it's a new person and a different situation.

what's my life revolving around i wonder...
everyday there's so many things to do, to think about, to take care of the house and the house's people... work, ministry... i wonder if i sometimes kick Jesus out of the picture.

...

wanna thank God for putting ken and gordon into this house & in my life. it's so amazing to be able to talk about Jesus, about ministry... people... about lives, about lives we see transformed, about guiding people. (yeah house situation is still ongoing... though the specifics have changed). even more amazing... that it happens breakfast lunch dinner... and whenever. rox. i don't even get to do that back home except during church camp... if this is what paul means by edifying your brothers in Christ in fellowship, count me in man.

...

and gordon really piqued my interest about me this morning (gosh i sound so self-centred)...
ken was saying that he couldn't see me as anything else but a leader and that i would have to marry a pastor or something [we were digressing from talking about relationships and 'the season' and being led by the Spirit lol.] then gordon said something to the effect of 'but i see two sides of you, the facade that is responsible and strong..the leader.. and the other one that isn't... that's just you. but you keep the strong and responsible one up more, isn't that tiring...? is it?'

my reply? 'of course it is'
but now that i'm thinking about it... i guess strong and responsible is still the 'main' part of me... not just something i maintain - being tired comes into play when i've lost focus from Jesus... strong and responsible still occur when i'm 'crazy me' - but i guess that only a select few people see me when i'm down and out... or maybe it's by force of habit - no, you can't be weak, take control of your life or it'll take control of you... and in that case, maybe i haven't really settled down properly in london, for the people that i can be a sheep to are still few and far between.

and i should go nap and do my essay. (would be nice if i could do both at once eh.)

heads up for a crazy week

i have an essay and a lab report due right?

then there's leader's cell tonight (no more monday)
then there's the boat party on tue - obligation... bleh. (no more tuesday)
then there's worship prac (no wed afternoon)
and cooking dinner and maybe going to a jazz bar (most of wed gone)
then thursday is a long day and i'll be prepping bible study
then friday there's ocf

then saturday morning i'm leaving for krakow (woohoo! reading week)
and coming back on wed nite...
and leading worship on fri nite ocf...


right. so somehow i have to fit my essay and lab and readings into that schedule.
grace grace man.

2 Samuel 6:14-22

context? David was successfully bringing the ark (presence) of God into his house after one failed try

Then David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was wearing a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting and with the sound of the trumpet. Now as the ark of the LORD came into the City of David, Michal, Saul’s daughter, looked through a window and saw King David leaping and whirling before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart. So they brought the ark of the LORD, and set it in its place in the midst of the tabernacle that David had erected for it. Then David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the LORD. And when David had finished offering burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD of hosts. Then he distributed among all the people, among the whole multitude of Israel, both the women and the men, to everyone a loaf of bread, a piece of meat, and a cake of raisins. So all the people departed, everyone to his house.

what is worship then? but abandonment in the presence of Daddy God

Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, “How glorious was the king of Israel today, uncovering himself today in the eyes of the maids of his servants, as one of the base fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!” So David said to Michal, “It was before the LORD, who chose me instead of your father and all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel. Therefore I will play music before the LORD. And I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble in my own sight. But as for the maidservants of whom you have spoken, by them I will be held in honor.”

and what a spirit...
i don't care what people think of me, cos the Lord's in the house. therefore i will praise Him, i will tell of His goodness and mercy, i will rejoice, for His presence is here. i will bless, for He has blessed me/ He is blessing me.
what exaltation...

Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.

and the Lord will vindicate you.

awesomeness.

stuck.. bleh

i feel small...
and lost.


and it's scary.

and i can't seem to get out of it...
help... Jesus..

comparisons

hahahaha. i just remembered i forgot to blog about this

to heid, drea, izzy, hwei, ruth mj:
cheriekam struck again.
cheriekam made her household compare calf muscle sizes one week ago. lol.


gordon was doing weights at 'gordon's gym' which was basically in front of the mirror at the end of the corridor near the kitchen.
cheriekam was walking to the kitchen and looking in the mirror as gordon was doing weights
"eh. are my calves the same size as yours? O.0"
cheriekam and gordon compare calf sizes and proclaim them the same
kenchew walks out his room
"kenneth!! omg my calves are the same size as gordon's"
"eh. that means they're bigger than mine! oh! that means that i can wear skinny jeans and you can't!"
"-.-" errr."
"eh. then you have the least feminine legs. first would be soph, then me hehehe. then chrissie then you then gordon. haha! my legs are slimmer than yours!"
soph appears... chrissie appears...
"what's going on?"
we end up talking about legs for the next 10 min.


ohwell.
i don't change do i. 7 years liao and this phenomena still reoccurs.

not quite alone

hmmmm.

i guess i just have to say that Daddy's in control. and that i'm in this situation for a reason. it involves various people so i'll only talk about it if you catch me online =P. i guess it's my ministry... but watching people go off and self-destruct and waiting to pick up the pieces does hurt. patience... patience. (it's a bunch of us watching and waiting... pray people... pray.)


that said.
i'm gonna attempt to cook nasi lemak tmr! woohoo!
but i have a presentation to do
and an essay outline
a lab report
and an essay
and well. a ton of undone readings (as usual)

i can only hold on to Him - but that should be the case anyway.

dreamin

of walking on streets of gold.

but while i'm here
Daddy's in control.

and all the blessings are MINE.


...


today's lecture was on personality disorders
and. lol.
i found that i used to fit the criteria for quite a few of them. (and yeah it's clinical criteria)

and then.. i've been doing my readings on mood disorders and depression... and i would probably have been diagnosed with unipolar.

talk about being redeemed and restored. hoho.

i really wanna do clinical psyc - not as a researcher (though it comes with it) but as a psychotherapist... the case studies are so interesting (and i'm possibly living with two. well. i shall stop overthinking things hehe.)


...


so i've a presentation to do...
then a lab report...
then there's all the reading... (at least clinical is exciting)
and there's worship prep/organisation/ av
and there's prep for bible study
but spending time with Daddy rox - necessary. and seriously wonderful.

i climbed a tree!

this weekend is super blessed with HOT weather!
and by hot - i mean 20 deg. hehe.
it's hilarious, i'm sitting in front of my comp mugging and i'm suntanning in my room lol.

anyway. photo update.

random lunchtime madness

fingerless gloves are cute and rather useless when on the head you look like a chicken christine and i think that the henna looks like ninjas
nose-ring anyone?

wednesday
i invited hania, sylvia, christine over (and the weather was awesome)

russell square... the park i walk through on the way to school
us and food!
shameless: my fried rice looks good right?

thursday
went to watch pastor prince at hillsong conference (paid 15 quid for a few hours 0_o pastor costs the same amount to watch as a musical...)

saturday
was a real relief after friday night... OCF picnic, frisbee, and i climbed a tree!
oh man angus... where were you bro. we were in hyde park... miss your company man.

beautiful blue skies =)the puma gang i looked like a flower i think...me on the top of the tree
the unglam climbing process
suckling pig pic #01suckling pig pic #02 bingliang's pained look (watch your crown jewels!)and the last flowers of summer

london lesson #02

breaking point.

friday was another mad rush...
after lessons came back to cook for OCF

and then for worship... i screwed up. totally.
i can't be in the right state to worship lead and manage all the arrangements for sound and projection.

1. i forgot to bring the strand equipment bag with the mixer and mics in it
God provided Soph who was coming later to help me get it (though i went home to help her anyway)

2. i clean forgot to bring my lappie for projection - only brought the projector and didn't get someone to do the lyrics (basically clean forgot about the fact that we need projection
God provided Junli and her friend... who had a lappie... and Junli typed in the lyrics on the spot. While Jane moved the program forward to stall for time...

3. by the end of that, though i was initially focused on worship... i was a mess. and disong the worship leader for that night was distracted (we had problems with the projection as well... and most of the songs were new) - so we had two distracted worship leaders.

and then. there was the rest of the night... the talking to people (cos it was the first ocf to split into groups with a lot of new ppl)... wondering what do do for next week's worship... condemning myself for being 'so useless'.
God sent Eugene to take the initiative to ask me about the next week's worship and his team.

and so i went back home a wreck. being broken isn't easy.
esp when it all comes in the span of 3 hours - i can't i can't i can't
and then seeing God provide and going - look. I can I can I can.

i managed to get home and into a room before i started ranting lol.
God i suck. why am i in this position anyway. i don't have the management skills... i don't have the voice... i don't have the musicality... i only have a little... a little... and it isn't enough.. it'll never be enough... will it?

My Grace is sufficient for you.
and He showed me that at each instance of my inability... He brought someone to rescue me. and He held me as i sat there and just gave up - gave up being brave, being good, being useful, being strong. fear not, I am with you
and the first line of Psalms 23 just started ringing in my spirit... the Lord is my Shepherd, i shall not want.

i shall not want.
i shall not be in want.

house life

wednesday... my coursemates came over (british) and i cooked for them. when i asked them what chinese food they liked... one said 'fried rice'. lol.
wednesday... there was worship prac
wednesday... i was helping chrissie cook dinner
yesterday... i mopped the corridor, the kitchen, my room and a bit of everyone else's rooms.
yesterday... gordon and i were crying in the kitchen (over onions)
today... we're gonna cook black pepper beef for 15 people


and i'm behind on readings... heck. i haven't even bought a perception text yet.


oh. pray for my ear... it was 'leaking' and now it's swollen

[edit]
i just had a thought...
being a christian doesn't mean that you 'have it all together' or you're 'keeping it all together'. but that you don't have to keep it all together... Jesus take the wheel =)
[/edit]

london lesson #01

before i know it... i've been in london 3 weeks now
it's been a flurry of activity... doing up the house, moving in and unpacking, getting groceries and making the kitchen work. and then school started.. giving us a lab project on the 2nd day of school and an essay on the 4th day of school.

so. panic. *of course*

but yesterday as i was trying to write my essay to no avail (couldn't think after a while) i decided to listen to a sermon. granted, i wasn't paying all that much attention to the sermon, but it spoke to me (even as i multitasked with blogsurfing and fbook and the daily devo). the message wasn't new - though not something i've listened to many times... it was on the things that pastor builds his newer messages on, but yet as i listened, there was a fresh knowing of His goodness... not knowledge, but understanding.

and then i realised what i've been doing in london.. running around trying to get things done.. (and my household has had quite a few drama episodes) wondering whether things would run... taking time to talk to people about things, discuss issues, get high on random incidences (we were teaching the boys to do ballet yday lol.) but none of those fulfilled the need for life, for spending time with Daddy - which i didn't do simply because. well. the other things took up so much time.

no two ways around it.

but what is spending time with God?
going to Him and complaining? maybe. (i've done that a lot)



yesterday i realised another element... awareness of His goodness
to stop, smell the roses, and realise that all that is what Daddy has given

yeah. sure. it's been preached to me many times... but actually realising it when there's so many things to be taken care of? not really something i have to think about in singapore... cos the parents do most of that kind of work, i only have to take care of my own things back home. here, there's the house that we all have a part in running.


i should live life like the devo i read yday... sure. i do the work. but then i sit back and watch as Daddy God multiplies the fruit.

so it's 2nd year

and i've an essay due tuesday the second week of school
and lab work has started
and i'll be starting jap evening classes next tue nite
woohoo! (?)

in other news... pastor is coming down for the london hillsong conference and i've decided to pay the moneh and go watch him for a night - get solid food for once.

hmm... ken had the idea of trying to get him to see OCF and speak abt things
and jason had tt idea of trying to take a photo with him LOL.
but what i really wanna know is whether there are leaders coming up with pastor that i can talk go talk to... anyone have any idea who's coming?

oh gosh

i am so not coping.

howwww.

how to juggle experiments... lab report... essay
it's like the 3rd day of school, i have to design an experiment, prepare it and have it more or less up and running by next week (okay it's a group thing. but argh) then for seminar tomorrow i have to prepare an essay plan, of which the topic is one i completely skipped last year when mugging... and i don't have an introduction text to waffle by... grawh...

then there's ocf... being a group leader... worship I/C for the year
ton of admin... and relationships - admin i can handle... being sociable just eats me up after a while. like after the walkabout in london with freshers and getting to know something like 15 new people i was just completely gone for the day. but i suppose fellowship is different... fellowship uplifts. and i really don't want to just be a leader that spouts bible knowledge at people... cos it's really not about knowledge.. it's about the relationship... and developing the relationship with someone so lovely

and there's house stuff... cooking... packing up
cooking takes up an extraordinary amount of time... gosh. but there's no way i can be 'can't be bothered'... and if anyone in the house really 'can't be bothered' then the rest of us are in trouble for the rest of the year =S

and woah. i just realised i'll be having jap evening classes on tuesdays - and mon and tue are my 10 to 5 days. bleh.

shucks.

i should really go spend time with Daddy before i spout anything else