psalm 107

when was the last time i wrote about darkness here...?

somehow our bible study @ OCF branched off into a sharing thing on... well. 'how did you become a christian? what makes God real to you?'

and i found myself sharing that life story again (ok well. it was kind of my idea to ask that question so...)
maybe it was spirit led... that question... cos i suppose it's no coincidence that i was reading through the archives of this blog on friday afternoon and was just reminded of how the 'old me' used to be. looking at.. say the white-out post in Feb 2007...

interestingly though... i think i'll never be able to tell my testimony the same way i did to my cg back at the HM6 camp - it seems so long ago that i was bound by it... but it's been what... only a year or so?

i've somewhat forgotten (amazing.) what it was like to live under under this shadow...
of condemnation, brokenness, guilt: the 'you're not good enough to live', thoughts of 'hey, wouldn't life be simpler if i were dead'... fear to let anyone in, to drag that person down with me... the will to 'be strong' no matter what... to be unfeeling - cos feelings only get you hurt.

then as i slowly got to know Jesus, the cracks were mended by His love - reassured, restored: now i had a reason to live. and then i was afraid... such overwhelming fear that i would lose my mind again. (yeah the description in the para above probably doesn't cut it... doesn't reflect the inability to think of anything happy... the blade that was my obsession, friend, enemy, fear all at once)

perfect love casts out all fear right?
right. =) and amazingly i stand here whole (possibly still bonkers in the areas God hasn't touched) compared to the wreck i once was. i've been transformed... really. to be who i am now (transformation still in progress) comfortable with who i am in Christ... loving every bit of life He has given me. maybe God should write a manual: 'how to be happy and satisfied: know Jesus'. lol.

...

to sidetrack a bit..
when everyone was describing their experience with God... there was always the 'i can't explain it' and the 'i just know'... i thought maybe i could find a verse tt would describe it... but i got ~Psalm 107 instead. which is really interesting cos diff bits sound like diff clinical things to me...


(this sounds to me like depression/ obsession/ opression)
10 Those who sat in darkness and in the shadow of death,
Bound in affliction and irons—
12 Therefore He brought down their heart with labor;
They fell down, and there was none to help.
13 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
And He saved them out of their distresses.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their chains in pieces.

(and this sounds to me like an eating disorder)
17 Fools, because of their transgression,
And because of their iniquities, were afflicted.
18 Their soul abhorred all manner of food,
And they drew near to the gates of death.
19 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
And He saved them out of their distresses.
20 He sent His word and healed them,
And delivered them from their destructions.



kewl stuff

so scary... i dun want girlfriend like this

that said. it is really well done!

i can't stand the sight of you!

i found the morning exercise video from church camp! haha (but i think the edited one they used was alot more funny tho)


...

i wonder why i fear the future when God holds my future and intends it all for good... hmm.

and i can't understand boys when they do treat me like a girl...
goodness me.

positioning

i just had a thought...

that probably nothing in my life is coincidence.
think about it. if God is really in control of my life... that means that the people i have the opportunity to meet and the relationships that have formed have a purpose.

that is rather mindblowing.
what then would that purpose be...? interesting.


in similar vein... what is my purpose in ocf?

it feels like my season there is ending... the extent to which i'm blessing others and being blessed is changing direction... still doing av stuff, leading bible study... worship stuff, leading worship sometimes - but it feels like it's time to move on, to pass all the 'doing' things on to 'fresh blood' and to just go feed again, maybe go serve in church... interesting. see where Daddy leads

bits & pieces

how do you intentionally prevent yourself from unintentionally leading someone on?

and buggerit ... when you really enjoy that person's company too...
knowing there can't be anything there cos he doesn't know the Most Important Person in your life

emotions are so deceitful...

[edit] eh... i just got blessed with 10 quid from the cny carnival lucky draw... haha... so carrying of a carton of oranges home for the ocf stall and going down for the carnival was worth it [/edit]

how to find a mate?

hahaha... man... here's an article from my uni based on game theory

Why you can't hurry love

try reading it aloud in a crowd!

stream of consciousness

i keep thinking of stuff i mean to blog... then never get round to doing it.but i love this chill-out way of life that Daddy just reminded me of

was listening to a sermon - which ended and went on to one on praying in the spirit.. praying in tongues... and after the sermon i was just so full.. gosh... fuller than i've felt in a long long time.
and just for the record... it really really works... something i forgot completely in the past year since the last time i heard the sermon. wow. =)

He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church
~1 Corinthians 14:4

to fill yourself... satisfy your inner man... and he answered the 'isn't tongues just a gift' question i've been asked (and had no answer to) - i instinctively understand what & why... but it's hard to explain to people...

in any case i've been cranking up the faith meter in prayer =) how to walk in the spirit... ehehehe let's see the fruits manifest in bible study and worship leading! amen?

...

the products of baking with shu zhen:
kueh lapis: has 20 egg yolks, 4 egg whites and two packs of butter
lemon meringue pie: so we didn't have to just wait for the kueh lapis
and two batches of plain meringue... cos we had 16 egg whites left from the kueh lapis -.-"

...

discoveries... yday zhenqiang came to cook sambal kangkong. so:
1. i got woken up...
2. changed the extractor fan paper (cos we were going to fry blachan) - and found that the whole lid was covered in dried oil... which incidentally took 15 min to scrub off... EEW.
3. i opened the fridge looking for the milk
and found a lemonwhich had reverted to it's original unripe colour -.-"
EWW. and i hadn't eaten my breakfast before any of that. ugh.
4. oh and *then* i opened the fridge again for the milk... and found a baking tray of char siew sauce with a thick layer of fat on top. (damn gross... i already scraped off half the fat when i made it) well. somehow it looked like dessert... and i dunno why but the last person who ate the last bit didn't wash the bloody tray. erk.

...

emotions.

i wonder how my mom is feeling/ coping...
to find out that your mom had a heart attack with complications for the op... and having to take care of her and your husband as well (who incidentally is like a little boy sometimes)... and work.

i felt quite emotionally stunted - didn't reply the email when it happened cos i didn't know what to say... didn't know what to say when i was calling home and receiving the full details of the news...

what do you do when your parents start complaining to you about each other? about their situation(s)? about money?

point them to Jesus?
it's surprisingly hard...

i'm pretty bad at handling emotions... wired to be too emo.. to think & feel too much...and in dealing with them i don't explode unlike many people who just get it over and done with (i probably implode...) - more often than not i become unfeeling... so that it can fade a bit before i have to deal with anything, or till i can be alone to deal with them.. which sometimes isn't a good thing at all =S

loving people hurts.
i wonder how Jesus managed to do it..

...

took a walk today in hyde park on the way back from church while ken and gordon took the tube...spending alone time with Daddy is awesome.and it's amazing, that i haven't really done that for one term. it's like i ration out my time... 30 min for you God, then i need to do work...

haha. unfortunately i tend to do that alot.
but right... if Daddy takes care of everything... i only need to chill out and enjoy life. hmm it's like i keep learning the same lessons over and over again (reinforcement hehe.) to trust in Him, depend on Him... to realise just how little i've been doing that (yea... i burnt out by the end of last term)

to live.

jeanine is here!

yayyy... but she'll be gone to another house tmr... and gone away by next wed

it's been a fun crazy past few days... in which i've got like almost no work done but i don't care. haha. i want to enjoy life. let Daddy take care of the worrying.

monday was leader's cell - and a very cool phone call informing me that jeanine was alive and in my house... and i came home and we sat around and talked...

tuesday nite we went to eat fish and chips... which were so greasy we actually felt really bad after eating them -.-" and we sat around and talked (1 1/2 year's worth to catch up...) then went for a walk in soho (hahahha. i'm channelling angus)

today after sch zhenqiang came over and we made char siew =D heh... did some work (me and him at least lol.) waited for the pork to marinate... then had a really good dinner... and ran off to watch jersey boys. (and i suppose we're gonna sit around and talk heh)

haha i wanted to rant in this post...

jersey boys was really good... the whole big-band-swing-thing going on... and the guy's voice was simply AMAZING.

and then while putting on my coat. someone took my programme... which cost (ok not v ex... just the price of lunch) 3 quid 50p.. and had my ticket stub inside... so now i have no souvenir from the show... not even the stub =(

and so i was ranting...
and then shu zhen said 'take it that you blessed someone'

paradigm shift. haha. so i blessed someone. unintentionally.
and i guess that's the way i should work - haha thank God for Godly friends man.
i don't lack for anything since my Daddy's the one who provided all of it anyway... and it's a blessing to be able to give things away.

2009

this is a belated post.. since it's 11 days in from 2009

You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance.
They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,
And the little hills rejoice on every side.
~Psalm 65:11-12

my takeaway for this year...
Lord that you clothe me with Your favour, crown me with Your wisdom, surround me with Your splendour, rain on me Your blessings =)

i just skimmed through my 2008 posts.. looks like my life has gotten a lot busier this academic year... and the tone of my blog has changed accordingly.. interesting. i seem to think and feel less 0_o when i'm busy... and blog less about bible stuff... hmm... it tends to go onto paper insted.

jem described his impression of my life from the blog as 'ultrauberbusy'. i kind of agree. lol. dunno whether it's a good thing, but we'll see what God does with life this year. i expect it's gonna be GOOD.

one word to describe 2008 - CHANGE. like absolutely completely insanely. and in the midst of coping with change i tend not to see how God is increasing this and that, here and there... but looking back i'm amazed. having made it through the year, coming out more whole and more stable than before.. with blessed friendships, peace with the parents (amazing this.), peace with what myself and what i'm doing (more amazing this.), knowing and being loved - especially romanced by my King.

cool eh?

so for this year:
"Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!”
~1 Chronicles 4:10

You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me

first time on a ski lift! (you can shake snow to the people below)the 2nd ski lift going up a bit higher (on to my 2nd green slope)the fourth ski lift i took - 6 man lift to a blue slope (in this case we were going to the red)

steph the ninjaevelyn our coach for the daylooking across from the liftlooking back from the lift

i lost track of which number lift this was... but it was the one that brought us right to to the top
little kiddies... who ski better than i canthe restaurant at the top of the world ^^some amazing scenery
tsu-lyn... our 'coach' who receed the slopes we could try as beginners david one of the snowboarders
justin fooling around - an X with skis means you're injured and need help
ski tracks leading off piste (pro people man)
a little bit of mont-blanc
looking down from the top: and i skiied down... didn't take the cable car back down
very very useful signboard.. lol. we took the serperntine route down
looking up at the slope i skiied down
looking down at the next bit of slope
jx my 'saviour' who had to pick me up many times the first time we did a blue slope in a snowstorm
more mont-blanc
and i'm really proud of this photo from the cable car =P

beautiful...
eh... God's rather artistic don't you think? we're always awed by nature... take photos of 'naturally occuring colours' forgetting who made them and called them forth in the first place.

looking back on the photos (too much adrenaline going down the slopes to think about anything else but skiing) i'm like 'woah'... and it's like Daddy God whispering words of love... 'I made the heavens and the earth for you to live on, for you to enjoy'

eheh and faith like a mustard seed can move mountains. plural. i ski down one flat side of the mountain i scared already... and to think You can still say that that tiny bit of faith i have can move mountains... i can't begin to imagine the enormity of it all.

life is simple... no?

i am shocked-ed.
i think life as a kid was much less complicated.

anyway.... from experience if i put up all the vids at once, no one will really watch... so they're gonna come up a bit at a time:

first up we have the an excerpt from the variety show the ski instructors put up


and we have our copycat... who incidentally failed


take #03 of copycat


and steph stars as the walking tissuebox... -.-"

non-skiing ski trip photos

no pretty photos for this post... haha... just a ton of unglam ones =P

pre-trip excitement! my bus buddy i caught wesley in a yawn...


casualties of the 2nd day and it snowed finally... (steph and i were praying) - i was hardcore enough to walk out in the snow in flip-flops to get this photomy green apple which wanted a colour-change siok ming (who was my pri sch classmate!), her mussels... and her muscles...walking in a winter wonderland
and the chefs did us a feast for new year's eve dinner

steph & wes on new year's eve (i couldn't resist displaying this photo)

all of us minus some imperial peoplethe ucl gangthe lse gang

girls! taking the cable car to the highest point (on to my new blue slope)
warming up after skiing (slackers unite!) i was sleepy and bored... and the photo turned out quite interestingly
us noobs and our instructor
morning rituals: evelyn took this with my cam... but i can't resist putting it up =P

parting shot of the mountain as the coach drove us back to london