hard headed-ness

i am angry beyond belief. *GROWL* prepare yourself for a Rant.

so i planned my day by the hour...
1000: go for lecture
1100: do computing project
1200: next lecture
1300-1400: lunch and chill a bit
1400-1500: find keith (the programming lecturer) to sort out the problems in my project
1500-1730: do more programming till the lab closes
1800-roughly 1930: study stats
after dinner-1 hr later: clean kitchen
then study stats till the exam tmr

instead...
1. at 1400 hrs they started the UCAS interviews. and keith was one of the interviewers... and interviews ended at about 1600hrs. therefore. screwed. cos i couldn't do anything else with computing till i got the problem sorted
2. all the cubicles were full cos everyone was trying to study for the stats exam and the lab was booked for UCAS
3. i had no stats notes on me cos i thought i'd be doing computing
4. therefore i had to go home... where kenneth took pains to annoy me for half an hr when i was trying to take a nap and get rid of the 'pekchek'-ness
5. then i realised that ken invited people over for tea... so i couldn't study at home (no way i can concentrate with friends over)
6. so i took (what was to be) a 30 min nap... but got poked by ken at the 20 min mark... got kueh lapis waved in my face... half pulled out of bed... and saved by mayling going 'aiyah let her sleep kenneth!'
7. the grouch arose.
8. 1530: brought laptop to school and stats notes in a bid to get some stats done in case i couldn't get a comp
9. couldn't concentrate at all cos i was really just too annoyed
10. FINALLY managed to see keith at 1630-1700
11. crammed as much programming as i could into the last 3o min before the lab closed

and here i am now blogging instead of mugging. sigh.


So Daddy's teaching me to rely on Him instead of my planning and my schedules
all things work for good... yeah...
but ARGH it's a bloody. HARD. lesson. to learn.

i gives up.
give me a revelation Lord. yo.

(and there was something else i wanted to post today... but no mood liao)

hamsup(?) thoughts

I was reading this in the middle of the sermon today...
so i'll give my commentary in italics heh

Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman stays awake in vain.
(yea indeed... i have yet to learn this)
It is vain for you to rise up early,
To sit up late,
(oh dear sounds like what i tend to do)
To eat the bread of sorrows;
(so depressing... and indeed it is from experience)
For so He gives His beloved sleep.
(i need sleep.)

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
(be fruitful and multiply! that's what sex was made for)
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
(i don't quite understand this... but it feels like it implies we should have children early)
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
(bad image of shooting sperm =S)
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
(go shoo! you can't tear down the house of the Lord!)
~Psalm 127

haha self-amusement. ohwell. ok back to lab report

so disturbing

it's one of those days where the world crashes down on me the moment i open my eyes

the panicky... jittery... fluttering feeling
of having a ton of deadlines
of needing to interact with people but not feeling up to it

so i roll over and go back to sleep
then wake up again feeling guilty cos i slept more than i should have/ needed and have a ton of things to do

and i want to go back to sleep where the world can't haunt me

but there's work to do.
so shoo. go'way. Jesus has redeemed me from these kind of days.

some refreshing is in order...

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
~1 Cor 10:13

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.
~1 Cor 10:23-24

it would be nice to have a "back" button for life... like we do on webpages... "refresh" would be pretty cool too. right now i really wish i had my own room... to sit in a corner and talk to Daddy... where no one will see me broken and spent - Lord why do you give me such bloody difficult decisions to make?

oh what's a heart to do

Leave it alone, don't analyze
'Cause love can be your lullaby
But love can be your hurricane too
And love can take your breath away
But love can leave you lonely and blue
Oh, what's a heart to do?
Oh, what's a heart to do?

Why be afraid
No reason to hide
Take the chance
Put it all on the line
Draw in a deep breath and throw open the door
'Cause that's what a heart is beating for
Yeah, that's what a heart is beating for
Beating for, beating for

Brace yourselves, take a good look around
We've all been thinking upside-down
That love's about what life can bring our way
Oh but love isn't love unless someone pays
And so with love, the only way to gain
Is give it all away
Is give it all away!

Why be afraid
No reason to hide
Take the chance
Put it all on the line
Draw in a deep breath and throw open the door
'Cause that's what a heart is beating for
Yeah, that's what a heart is beating for
Beating for, beating for
~"What A Heart Is Beating For" Chris Rice


You're the reason that I live... Jesus my lover for this vday =)
i'm scared by the way... of what i have gotten myself into. Mistakes and mistakes and mistakes made. and all i can do is trust that Jesus saves. and THEN i need to stop making further mistakes... not letting my heart get caught up in the chase. distance is the key... and my decision is made - but the flesh is weak and i know i'm just not able to carry it out. i only just had the revelation the other day that it's really no loss... cos i can trust that Daddy has better plans.. but i don't know what to do.. how to do... especially not without breaking anything... Lord i can't do this... need You to move me.. move me to do what is right.

ok i really really need a holiday

ya i really really need a holiday ... gosh

such a crazy week... and such a crazy week to come.
there's work and there's more work and there's more work... and not enough sleep... and things to do... and the computing project which counts for 50% and the computing exam which counts for 50% and the stats exam which counts for 50% and the lab report that i have no idea how to begin, and i have yet to sign up for the mini project... and there are none online that even remotely interest me... and i really really don't want to do anything that is just a mian qiang kind of thing... i'll just lose interest =S

and i've fallen back into works and self effort again... and i'm scared and i'm tired and my mind is now just running from one thing to another - lol it actually feels sore from concentrating on work this week =S. can't manage my mind at the moment... probably should get some sleep =P
Daddyy.... =(

Father i trust You.
You prosper my hand... and all that i do.
You grant me favour and put me in the right place at the right time.
Jesus You are my peace of mind... my comfort... my hiding place

heart be still..

22 Then He said to His disciples, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. 23 Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? 25 And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 26 If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?

29 “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. 30 For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. 31 But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.

32 “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
~Luke 12:22-34

17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 19 We love Him because He first loved us.
~1 John 4:17-19

torn

my heart, head, emotions and actions are in disharmony...

it's a rather strange experience, though not that unfamillar. well if you know the reason why then pray for it/ about it for me yeah? i'm going to do something that's probably very unwise (unfortunately settled by my own choice) within the next week... so well. Lord i put my mistakes under Your grace... turn it around for Your glory.

need wisdom man... and courage...
and to align everything back under You

put it under grace

It's quite interesting... that each time i hear a sermon from pastor there's always something new to be gained heh.

so my itunes was on shuffle and suddenly i heard pastor yelling at me (haha!)
'you have a disobedient child? put him/ her under grace...'
and basically to let the grace of God work out the transformation in your life (and whatever is associated with it)

nothing's impossible for Daddy... and in Christ we're all under grace...
why then do we choose to hold on so tightly to the things we can and cannot do...? to tell Him 'i'll try harder' when we cannot make it... and simply forget that well, grace was the one and only thing that brought us to Him... and that all that we are called to do - was due to being under that grace in the first place! the best thing we could do then... would be to give it back to God and let His grace work through us.

pastor was really quite amusing in his analogies.. so here i am... contributing to hilarity in a confession of faith =P

i put __________ under grace, Lord You take care of it/ him/ her.
1. my walk with You
2. my small group: and all the things that come about with human relationships
3. leadership... shepherding and having revelations of Jesus
4. my skin (perfect skin in Jesus name!)
5. the israel trip that i will go for (when i'm back in sg) & finances
6. the important people in my life - especially that one, Lord you know who it is
7. my eyesight (i claim restoration!)
8. the relationships i have with people... friendships... and my ministry/calling with them
9. OCF... the leadership... events... and people who come for them
10. my household and their walk with you, our relationships with each other
11. my future husband (HAHA! my mom tells me to pray in advance=P)

by no means an exhaustive list. lol.

but it's interesting how i somehow end up in very strange situations... like you know, the kind you hear from the pulpit and think 'ah what's the probability of that happening to me?' or 'what's the probability that i will even meet someone like that?'

i guess it's seasoning. lol. i wonder what it is i'm being called for...

'snowstorm' in london

my heart is linked waay too much with the weather.


it's been snowing in london since last night - freak weather...
and the snow actually set so it's rather surreal... white london for chinese new year. heh. you see big grown people playing with snow on the streets too 0_o

my thoughts are flying around in my head... so much so that i can't concentrate on work. ugh. since last night. it's like the snow... blowing around, entering my consciousness... sticking where it isn't supposed to... melting and making a mess... not to mention the skies are grey and cloudy.

meh. do work ms kam.
you've got an essay due on friday... and a ton of other things to do

Daddy help =( i'm tired and panicking and the current situation scares and pains me. that and i really need to be able to sleep properly w/o waking up when the sun rises *growl*

psalm 107

when was the last time i wrote about darkness here...?

somehow our bible study @ OCF branched off into a sharing thing on... well. 'how did you become a christian? what makes God real to you?'

and i found myself sharing that life story again (ok well. it was kind of my idea to ask that question so...)
maybe it was spirit led... that question... cos i suppose it's no coincidence that i was reading through the archives of this blog on friday afternoon and was just reminded of how the 'old me' used to be. looking at.. say the white-out post in Feb 2007...

interestingly though... i think i'll never be able to tell my testimony the same way i did to my cg back at the HM6 camp - it seems so long ago that i was bound by it... but it's been what... only a year or so?

i've somewhat forgotten (amazing.) what it was like to live under under this shadow...
of condemnation, brokenness, guilt: the 'you're not good enough to live', thoughts of 'hey, wouldn't life be simpler if i were dead'... fear to let anyone in, to drag that person down with me... the will to 'be strong' no matter what... to be unfeeling - cos feelings only get you hurt.

then as i slowly got to know Jesus, the cracks were mended by His love - reassured, restored: now i had a reason to live. and then i was afraid... such overwhelming fear that i would lose my mind again. (yeah the description in the para above probably doesn't cut it... doesn't reflect the inability to think of anything happy... the blade that was my obsession, friend, enemy, fear all at once)

perfect love casts out all fear right?
right. =) and amazingly i stand here whole (possibly still bonkers in the areas God hasn't touched) compared to the wreck i once was. i've been transformed... really. to be who i am now (transformation still in progress) comfortable with who i am in Christ... loving every bit of life He has given me. maybe God should write a manual: 'how to be happy and satisfied: know Jesus'. lol.

...

to sidetrack a bit..
when everyone was describing their experience with God... there was always the 'i can't explain it' and the 'i just know'... i thought maybe i could find a verse tt would describe it... but i got ~Psalm 107 instead. which is really interesting cos diff bits sound like diff clinical things to me...


(this sounds to me like depression/ obsession/ opression)
10 Those who sat in darkness and in the shadow of death,
Bound in affliction and irons—
12 Therefore He brought down their heart with labor;
They fell down, and there was none to help.
13 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
And He saved them out of their distresses.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their chains in pieces.

(and this sounds to me like an eating disorder)
17 Fools, because of their transgression,
And because of their iniquities, were afflicted.
18 Their soul abhorred all manner of food,
And they drew near to the gates of death.
19 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
And He saved them out of their distresses.
20 He sent His word and healed them,
And delivered them from their destructions.



kewl stuff

so scary... i dun want girlfriend like this

that said. it is really well done!

i can't stand the sight of you!

i found the morning exercise video from church camp! haha (but i think the edited one they used was alot more funny tho)


...

i wonder why i fear the future when God holds my future and intends it all for good... hmm.

and i can't understand boys when they do treat me like a girl...
goodness me.

positioning

i just had a thought...

that probably nothing in my life is coincidence.
think about it. if God is really in control of my life... that means that the people i have the opportunity to meet and the relationships that have formed have a purpose.

that is rather mindblowing.
what then would that purpose be...? interesting.


in similar vein... what is my purpose in ocf?

it feels like my season there is ending... the extent to which i'm blessing others and being blessed is changing direction... still doing av stuff, leading bible study... worship stuff, leading worship sometimes - but it feels like it's time to move on, to pass all the 'doing' things on to 'fresh blood' and to just go feed again, maybe go serve in church... interesting. see where Daddy leads

bits & pieces

how do you intentionally prevent yourself from unintentionally leading someone on?

and buggerit ... when you really enjoy that person's company too...
knowing there can't be anything there cos he doesn't know the Most Important Person in your life

emotions are so deceitful...

[edit] eh... i just got blessed with 10 quid from the cny carnival lucky draw... haha... so carrying of a carton of oranges home for the ocf stall and going down for the carnival was worth it [/edit]

how to find a mate?

hahaha... man... here's an article from my uni based on game theory

Why you can't hurry love

try reading it aloud in a crowd!

stream of consciousness

i keep thinking of stuff i mean to blog... then never get round to doing it.but i love this chill-out way of life that Daddy just reminded me of

was listening to a sermon - which ended and went on to one on praying in the spirit.. praying in tongues... and after the sermon i was just so full.. gosh... fuller than i've felt in a long long time.
and just for the record... it really really works... something i forgot completely in the past year since the last time i heard the sermon. wow. =)

He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church
~1 Corinthians 14:4

to fill yourself... satisfy your inner man... and he answered the 'isn't tongues just a gift' question i've been asked (and had no answer to) - i instinctively understand what & why... but it's hard to explain to people...

in any case i've been cranking up the faith meter in prayer =) how to walk in the spirit... ehehehe let's see the fruits manifest in bible study and worship leading! amen?

...

the products of baking with shu zhen:
kueh lapis: has 20 egg yolks, 4 egg whites and two packs of butter
lemon meringue pie: so we didn't have to just wait for the kueh lapis
and two batches of plain meringue... cos we had 16 egg whites left from the kueh lapis -.-"

...

discoveries... yday zhenqiang came to cook sambal kangkong. so:
1. i got woken up...
2. changed the extractor fan paper (cos we were going to fry blachan) - and found that the whole lid was covered in dried oil... which incidentally took 15 min to scrub off... EEW.
3. i opened the fridge looking for the milk
and found a lemonwhich had reverted to it's original unripe colour -.-"
EWW. and i hadn't eaten my breakfast before any of that. ugh.
4. oh and *then* i opened the fridge again for the milk... and found a baking tray of char siew sauce with a thick layer of fat on top. (damn gross... i already scraped off half the fat when i made it) well. somehow it looked like dessert... and i dunno why but the last person who ate the last bit didn't wash the bloody tray. erk.

...

emotions.

i wonder how my mom is feeling/ coping...
to find out that your mom had a heart attack with complications for the op... and having to take care of her and your husband as well (who incidentally is like a little boy sometimes)... and work.

i felt quite emotionally stunted - didn't reply the email when it happened cos i didn't know what to say... didn't know what to say when i was calling home and receiving the full details of the news...

what do you do when your parents start complaining to you about each other? about their situation(s)? about money?

point them to Jesus?
it's surprisingly hard...

i'm pretty bad at handling emotions... wired to be too emo.. to think & feel too much...and in dealing with them i don't explode unlike many people who just get it over and done with (i probably implode...) - more often than not i become unfeeling... so that it can fade a bit before i have to deal with anything, or till i can be alone to deal with them.. which sometimes isn't a good thing at all =S

loving people hurts.
i wonder how Jesus managed to do it..

...

took a walk today in hyde park on the way back from church while ken and gordon took the tube...spending alone time with Daddy is awesome.and it's amazing, that i haven't really done that for one term. it's like i ration out my time... 30 min for you God, then i need to do work...

haha. unfortunately i tend to do that alot.
but right... if Daddy takes care of everything... i only need to chill out and enjoy life. hmm it's like i keep learning the same lessons over and over again (reinforcement hehe.) to trust in Him, depend on Him... to realise just how little i've been doing that (yea... i burnt out by the end of last term)

to live.

jeanine is here!

yayyy... but she'll be gone to another house tmr... and gone away by next wed

it's been a fun crazy past few days... in which i've got like almost no work done but i don't care. haha. i want to enjoy life. let Daddy take care of the worrying.

monday was leader's cell - and a very cool phone call informing me that jeanine was alive and in my house... and i came home and we sat around and talked...

tuesday nite we went to eat fish and chips... which were so greasy we actually felt really bad after eating them -.-" and we sat around and talked (1 1/2 year's worth to catch up...) then went for a walk in soho (hahahha. i'm channelling angus)

today after sch zhenqiang came over and we made char siew =D heh... did some work (me and him at least lol.) waited for the pork to marinate... then had a really good dinner... and ran off to watch jersey boys. (and i suppose we're gonna sit around and talk heh)

haha i wanted to rant in this post...

jersey boys was really good... the whole big-band-swing-thing going on... and the guy's voice was simply AMAZING.

and then while putting on my coat. someone took my programme... which cost (ok not v ex... just the price of lunch) 3 quid 50p.. and had my ticket stub inside... so now i have no souvenir from the show... not even the stub =(

and so i was ranting...
and then shu zhen said 'take it that you blessed someone'

paradigm shift. haha. so i blessed someone. unintentionally.
and i guess that's the way i should work - haha thank God for Godly friends man.
i don't lack for anything since my Daddy's the one who provided all of it anyway... and it's a blessing to be able to give things away.

2009

this is a belated post.. since it's 11 days in from 2009

You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance.
They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,
And the little hills rejoice on every side.
~Psalm 65:11-12

my takeaway for this year...
Lord that you clothe me with Your favour, crown me with Your wisdom, surround me with Your splendour, rain on me Your blessings =)

i just skimmed through my 2008 posts.. looks like my life has gotten a lot busier this academic year... and the tone of my blog has changed accordingly.. interesting. i seem to think and feel less 0_o when i'm busy... and blog less about bible stuff... hmm... it tends to go onto paper insted.

jem described his impression of my life from the blog as 'ultrauberbusy'. i kind of agree. lol. dunno whether it's a good thing, but we'll see what God does with life this year. i expect it's gonna be GOOD.

one word to describe 2008 - CHANGE. like absolutely completely insanely. and in the midst of coping with change i tend not to see how God is increasing this and that, here and there... but looking back i'm amazed. having made it through the year, coming out more whole and more stable than before.. with blessed friendships, peace with the parents (amazing this.), peace with what myself and what i'm doing (more amazing this.), knowing and being loved - especially romanced by my King.

cool eh?

so for this year:
"Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!”
~1 Chronicles 4:10

You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me

first time on a ski lift! (you can shake snow to the people below)the 2nd ski lift going up a bit higher (on to my 2nd green slope)the fourth ski lift i took - 6 man lift to a blue slope (in this case we were going to the red)

steph the ninjaevelyn our coach for the daylooking across from the liftlooking back from the lift

i lost track of which number lift this was... but it was the one that brought us right to to the top
little kiddies... who ski better than i canthe restaurant at the top of the world ^^some amazing scenery
tsu-lyn... our 'coach' who receed the slopes we could try as beginners david one of the snowboarders
justin fooling around - an X with skis means you're injured and need help
ski tracks leading off piste (pro people man)
a little bit of mont-blanc
looking down from the top: and i skiied down... didn't take the cable car back down
very very useful signboard.. lol. we took the serperntine route down
looking up at the slope i skiied down
looking down at the next bit of slope
jx my 'saviour' who had to pick me up many times the first time we did a blue slope in a snowstorm
more mont-blanc
and i'm really proud of this photo from the cable car =P

beautiful...
eh... God's rather artistic don't you think? we're always awed by nature... take photos of 'naturally occuring colours' forgetting who made them and called them forth in the first place.

looking back on the photos (too much adrenaline going down the slopes to think about anything else but skiing) i'm like 'woah'... and it's like Daddy God whispering words of love... 'I made the heavens and the earth for you to live on, for you to enjoy'

eheh and faith like a mustard seed can move mountains. plural. i ski down one flat side of the mountain i scared already... and to think You can still say that that tiny bit of faith i have can move mountains... i can't begin to imagine the enormity of it all.