please...

please don't hurt me.

please..

on a whim...

i went shopping with heiman and christine... didn't manage to get christmas pressies... but i bought one for myself lol =P $23.90 well spent though i must say. i now have trees and some animals on my wall =) heh. and when i FINALLY hang that mirror that i bought... it can go into the gap between trees... naise

joy to the world

funny how NIE keeps telling us to reflect... but also gives 30+ assignments to complete in the span of one and a half months. haha.
but i am alive with only two more assignments to go. and back to my random musings online woohoo!

...

i miss being happy-happy:

happy at buying chicken at a discount from sainsburys..
excited at the prospect of cooking a new dish for the week..
excited by so-and-so's invitation to dinner that week

happy to spend time in the word/ with my guitar/ preparing worship
content with spending time with the people i love
enjoying the slacking off
being pleased with the things i managed to get done
content in the knowledge that God provides everything i need

instead... in my head... i have a to-do list
and another list... of what would happen to me if i didn't complete the to-dos... hmm
and i'm verbally reminded of yet another list... of what people should be like to deserve good things from me.


killjoy.

...

here's an example of the joy-stealing that i just observed today:
me: what should i buy X for christmas? what do you think he'll like?
Y: aiyah why bother buying for them? they don't give you presents. don't waste money
me: but it's my pleasure to give...? (deflates)

...


i'm not gonna let you steal my joy.
not now especially.
it's Christmas.
Jesus PAID for it all.

latest revelation

joel said something on saturday which really struck me... and i realised that i had forgotten this important thing...


don't limit God...
He's God... you're not.


and don't let anyone put limitations on your life either... cos it belongs to Him and Him only

broken enough to start tearing in lecture. and in public while i'm typing

haha.
ha.

that's funny God.
why am i not even angry

baby steps

they had a halloween party in halls today... (3 days late oops.) the funny thing is... they did up all the lights with red paper.. and it reminded me of the red light district in amsterdam HAHA. so much so i bothered to take a photo =P


anyway... that's a side point. tomorrow's the briefing for the worship ministry recruit-hopefuls. egg-citing! =)

i decided to stop second guessing myself and sign up. funny really.. that i came home and kept thinking about how i wanted to continue to serve in worship - and when the time came i put all the other commitments before it... before God really. i eventually decided to jump in.. to stop thinking about the what-ifs and trust that God will make time (well... firstly, make me get through the auditions) and grow me.

the last audition i had was when i was 16... and that failure to get in and a combination of so many other things stopped me from singing then... fear mainly. but so many things in the last two years have started me off again... and i want to keep growing.

so here goes =)

all the things i can't quite verbalise

*heart*

[edit] i watched the vid a couple more times and realised what some of the lyrics were... oops. so not 'all the things'. but much of it encompasses the things i cant find the words to say [/edit]

admittedly

some days i feel productive and think my life is doing great - things are going to plan, work has gotten done... then i realise that in all the task-oriented productivity that i've been brought up on i've missed out some really fundamental things.

these days i just want to throw in the towel...

correction is hard.

today i blog-surfed

i randomly clicked on angus' old blog about london.. and started looking at the posts where i was 'featured'... young, wide-eyed and innocent. every moment that year was one to be enjoyed... every moment was incredible, a new experience, fun =). and i enjoyed each and every person that came my way.

i've changed since... and i'm now left with a lingering memory of those times... things have changed between the 'brothers three' as well. sad... but inevitable... it's time to move on charity. still - to the brothers-two: i miss you guys

perhaps i'm less child-like than before... not sure bout whether my faith is still child-like... i hope it is =P i know i'm still a work in progress

if i were strong... i could face the world head-on

but i'm not...

being kids again

look what i made in English teacher class!!!the decor for non-folded flaps:

1. name

2. name of someone you love

3. favourite colour

4. birthday

decor for folded flaps:

1. favourite place

2. favourite pasttime

3. favourite book character (it's the book i want to write haha)

4. favourite food (i was trying to draw a smiling sambal sting-ray)

tea for two

i missed london...

therefore i went looking for some posh afternoon tea thing... and found it at mandarin oriental =)

not too pricey: $48++ high tea for two... heh you'd spend the same at any mid-end restaurant for dinner. haven't done many new & interesting things recently so i thought it was worth a post

testing my date's phone camera

strange decor

the spread... yum.
my date! (the boy is many miles away unfortunately)

you know you're practically living in jungle...

from most to least recent:

1. when you find a dead wasp (among other insects) in the shower cubicle

2. when you hear live firing from your neighbour - an army camp

3. when you see a baby wild boar on campus - it's so cute! i want to eat it....4. and a more perpetual thing... when you take 20-30 min to get a bus out of jungle to the nearest mrt station. heh.

oh dear...

look at what i found on the internet while looking for math puns

How do you teach mathematics to a woman

Look for the tan line
subtract her pants
stack her on the bed
divide her legs
calculate the distance
arc her back
add a length
function properly
provide constant movement
give her a square root
turn her over for a reverse polish notion
gradiently increase the integer
round the remainder
fill the pi
hope she doesn't multiply
log the event
sine on the dotted line
get her to cosine
profit from the experience
base the result on an exponent


...*cringe*

fabulous waste of 30 min

i just solved this



heh... cos some kid messed it up and my dad dumped it on my table complaining that it was taking up too much space from being snakelike

ok back to work.

blessed by association

the blessing: swimming in the marina bay sands infinity poolthe association: sam who provided the invite (who was blessed by association with a distant relative)
naise... a real time of chilling... and i think it makes a great place for a honeymoon lol

(photos by hweifen: i stole em off facebook)

i will catch you when you fall

says God. heh.

and this was just an awesome picture of it, and a reminder that i just can't stand up without Him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crCzZrgL8N4

lest we forget

every new day is a blessing - tell that to the guy on his deathbed and he'll laugh... cos that blessing stares him in the face each morning

me...? i just got that as a revelation.

i've been stuck, not wanting to move on... not seeing this change as a next level of blessing - and to some extent looking at my walk with God... it feels like two steps backward, not knowing where my place is in the world and having 'the world' leveled at me everyday from the supposed safe confines of my family

...

i was reading the little notes that people wrote to me in london earlier (my shipping's finally arrived - i'm back to pack pack packing heh) and i saw a huuuuge difference in my attitude over there and back here. somehow problems weren't problems and God would take care of them somehow (mainly cos i had absolutely no clue how and didn't have two people trying to provide me with human solutions all the time)... so i was asking God to change my attitude, change how i feel about life, singapore, everything... i've been trying so hard to not be the 'old singapore me' that i've stopped moving forwards while trying to maintain 'london me' in singapore - stopped walking with God as well to be honest, stopped looking to Him to provide and grow me but was looking to myself to 'maintain' me

I got an answer today,

even if i dont like the way things are done or simply have no clue how things are done, God's put me in a place where i get to be involved in (small) people's lives and touch them in a very real way. noob feelings and dislike of the system aside, He's the one who has to empower me. These next 6 years aren't about me serving out my bond cos i have to, but God has a purpose for me being there... and i will be a blessing in one way or another.

...

i'm moving into halls tomorrow - kinda... going down to clean the room, put a sheet on the bed and chuck some sleeping things in the cupboard. i'm pretty excited actually - glad to be away from the parents and on my own again... where i don't lapse into slovenly behaviour just cos i can. i'm sure i'm at home for a reason... well God's put me in my family for a reason defo... i just haven't found it yet. lol!

it's time to take a step forward. cos everyday's a new blessing from God =)

stepping into the promise land

is a scary thing...

i guess in the same manner in which the israelites went into jericho and saw the giants together with the milk n honey and got frightened.

yesterday was team bonding... and i got a taste of what nie would be like - a myriad of people from different walks of life, about half of them twice my age, and expectations expectations expectations.

new season... new challenges... new growth. when i faced london with all my insecurities... it didnt quite feel this way, i was ready to move on, change my life. heh. i was excited... but now it feels like i'm contending with the old (still getting used to being back) as well as the new

i thought nie was gonna be... well... like uni... but meeting the people yesterday, the varying ages and varying degrees of enthusiasm... i'm terrified. and i've yet to find my personal motivation for being in nie/moe... much less be self-motivated and driven about all the 'must do's that are presented to me as requirements from the government. ugh. Lord may i never become apathetic to this position you've put me in.

i should say 'thank you Daddy God' and step in confident of the blessings... but right now i guess i'm just praying for lots and lots of favour and the ability to work with people putting aside any feelings i may have for/against them.

giants are my bread huh. think i need some new thought processes heh

realisations...

havent been posting much... heh. not sure if people read this anymore but ohwell.

today i walked into 4th service alone.... for the first time since coming back to sg. it was strange/ lost/ empty of connection. which i thought was odd, since i've been going alone to service in london practically every week for 3 years now with no problems - and that's in a foreign country no less.

then i realised just how fragile my bonds with people are... how it's so easy to neglect them and be 'busy' over here... how asian culture demands that we keep things private... and how i have closed off and vanished into the crowd.

i missed london desperately then. missed the place where i was free, open, real. and then it dawned on me... that come september, i'm not gonna leave this place and go back there... i have to stay here... and somehow remain free, open, real...

ack. why am i walking this path Lord? it's been 2 months coming home and i still cant see what my position is in this place