i am reminded

that i am loved...


in this circle of friends in London... nothing is the same as back home... every minute, every interaction is unique, new... and oftentimes to me. frightening. cos these are people (well most of them anyways.) who have never seen me bitter, angry, broken. never seen the 'frightened animal'... and i wonder if sometimes i'm not real, that the smile is merely plastered on cos it's expected, that the friendships i'm making now are based on mere proximity. surface relationships. 'hi, how are you?'... 'yah me too! i like ___ too!'.

with every new acquaintance i make... with every new friend, i wonder, 'will this last?' cos at the end of these 3 years in london... that's it. that's the end of this phase. and perhaps, that's the end of the friendship, cos both sides lose contact eventually. these are the friends that i've never shared pain with, friends not in my 'inner circle' so to speak (save the few kindred spirits that have appeared), friends that will move on eventually. and then i wonder, what's the importance of all this... does it matter? do I matter?

but tonight... sitting at the table for the combined birthday dinner w/ joseph and 16 mutual friends, i watched. and i saw bonds that went deeper than common characters, common topics. friendships not initiated by human effort, but people thrown together by God, people who mattered to each other, simply through their existence. and i realised... as the night went on, that this was real, genuine... and at least for this season, God has put these people in my life and blessed me with their existence.

perhaps the friendship 'clique' aspects will never deepen... and most, if not all will never see me fight my battles. perhaps we'll drift away once this season is done... perhaps we won't. but in the here and now. these people are divinely planted. and i do matter.