vday... in the end... was lovely =).
and i really really like the bear <3 *muaks*
(okay that was so uncharity-like.)
but as promised... what i wanted to talk about -->
i was reminded of this as i spent the morning and afternoon of vday mugging... wondering what other couples were doing and wondering about this celebration of love..
so what was i doing on this 'special' day? mugging.
sad eh?
then i realised...
my everyday is spent.
with the greatest lover who knows exactly how to love me the way i want to be loved...
who has an infinite storehouse of gifts and never fails to lavishly bless me every waking moment.
my everyday's a valentine's day
with Jesus the greatest lover of all =)
and it's fully unconditional.
and in this realm... i seem to have taken a step (leap?) into a new season of my life
grappling with new insecurities... uncertainties... learning to trust Daddy God again... learning to trust another person without putting my trust in him...
i'm still confused about many many things... things that i thought were quite clear-cut last time. but things don't quite work the way you imagine them to ya? and since coming to london it's been... one messy 'out of comfort zone' step to another.
i'm learning... over and over and over to put my trust in Him.
-having all the deadlines and activities clashing
-simple favour... talking with people in class... talking to people i feel (felt) i'm inferior to (ie. all the eloquent ang mohs)
-learning to be me. (now this one's tough.) letting myself be me.
-with joseph... and everything related (i'm still completely clueless and trusting God for wisdom and direction...)
and now... there's even more...
i still can't quite believe i did an item for the vday outreach. i used to love performing... then something changed (inferiority complex perhaps?) and i fell in love with sound mixers and lighting boards instead. for the last 5 years i haven't done a single performance where i wasn't just some extra or on the av controls. AND i'm really very freaked out when asked to perform. it doesn't matter when it's just for crazy entertainment (just paiseh a bit)... just that when it's a performance... there are standards which i really don't think i match up to.
but when wenling asked me to sing after i declined organising the vday outreach, i said 'yes' without thinking much about it. and so i went up and i sang (super super super scared. you can hear it in my voice heh.) with angus on the guitar (angus my saviour man... haha covered up for when i forgot bits of the song and stuff). and people say i sounded good 0_o (i disagree... and i don't think i normally sound like that =P not that squeaky anyhow.). oh well. if this isn't grace in my weakness... then what is? and now i'm leading worship for the coming ocf.. which somehow seems a lot easier than performing. maybe cos i'm learning to lean completely on Him instead of trusting my voice and effort... hmmm =).
i've been really blessed... to walk this road... instead of the one i used to follow, holding on to the past that led again and again to the blade. not that there aren't the moments of despair when i'm stuck in that looping movie playing in my mind and forget that there's always my Daddy God to rely on. not that there aren't still those thoughts that are planted by the devil meant for self destruction. but there is hope. a knowledge... an expectation of good things to come... and come they do.
what amazes me... is that even in moments of darkness... somehow when people ask me stuff, i'm still able to share. still able to answer questions and lift spirits. and then as i feed and meditate on the word so i can answer their questions... there is that fresh touch and reassurance from God that keeps me going. and now. again... i'm stepping out of that comfort zone... out of the 'just share with close friends/ family' and going to ocf leaders' cell
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