28 days

I walked home from the MRT today for the first time since coming back to s'pore. it was really interesting/ nostalgic... remembering the times i walked home in order to 'get home later' or 'get space to think' - which eventually progressed to 'spending time with God' since walking home took 30 min while the train took 5. man... how things have changed. i don't think i'd have believed that i could smile, then, as i am able to now. Daddy God is just so good.

in 28 days things are gonna change again. if i could say one thing about this summer hol... it would be that God was teaching me to be dependant on Him. i don't think i've been repeatedly unsettled so much in such a short period of time.

home has changed - there's no more personal space (no room. i still find myself walking into that room and turning on the light then realising that it is the office, not my room, then walking out again) - boundaries were pushed without me knowing it (dad: supper? ok... make sure you're sent home and buy something back for me)

church has changed - the old cg has been scattered and familiar faces are so far away - the new cg people are in different seasons... experiencing completely different things... having different goals - the video ministry has split into two... operations are carried out by different dua tao's with different styles - going for service on sunday has changed... the cg goes for a different service than i do, so i hang out with a completely different bunch of ppl

friends/ time spent with friends has changed - we're mostly in different seasons now... different schedules, difficulty of meeting has increased a notch - there are way too many people back home for me to really hang out with (all the different different circles)... and then there are the london people with friendships i don't want to lose but don't know how to keep

relationships changed - saying goodbye and trying to accept my mistake ... that it wasn't grounded in the first place... wasn't easy, though i've known what to do for some time now.

whoever said home was familiar was lying. it's probably just easier to be complacent.

a short window of time... and it's time for goodbyes again.
jem left on sunday
kenneth is leaving this sunday (and i haven't even seen him haha. hilarious)
3 sundays more and i'll be gone too.
it's time for change. that is positively frightening.

...

jem said that there should be fewer goodbyes and more hellos... and that i should draw one... so i did lol.
i'm more scared of hellos than goodbyes though (i think my dislike of goodbyes come from the knowledge that i've to say hello to the unfamiliar)

saying hello to new people: you're making a decision to deposit into their emotional bank account... deciding to invest in and be a part of their lives (in some small way)

saying hello to old friends: you wonder whether you're still travelling the same road together... or whether they've been walking a completely different path from you. then as you swap stories and experiences you realise - you're walking parallel paths... with distance now... friends minus the intimacy, or that suddenly the distance has disappeared and you're side by side on the same road, or with surprise you find that it matters not.

saying goodbye... implies a pause... between now and the next time you say hello again - a pause in which oh-so-many-things could change the nature of the next hello.

it's a scary thought.
but at least i know someone who will never change.
and i know He holds my world in His hands.