heart matters

saw this on fbook and thought it was quite cool. we all identify with that kind of sentiment once in a while right?
but well. without the heart... then there's no real reason for living is there? everything would be emotionless and sian. (i say this but i'm still struggling with mine on a daily basis)


on a side note, i was totally absolutely floored at school today - and not in a good way
2012 is looking to be a challenging work year: last class (ALL THREE CORE SUBJECTS OMG), challenging kids (thank God i'm the co-form teacher instead of the form), english department (a very busy department!), staff welfare committee, the usual CCA stuff

man. Lord. help me see that the giants are my bread... and that Your grace is sufficient for me, Your strength made perfect in my weakness (heck. everything that's got to do with work is a weakness as i see it)

[edit] department's changed... just so the info on the web is correct lol [/edit]

simply worship

this home-alone for a week thing is rather liberating

suddenly it's just me and God.... no more hiding cos the parents might just choose an unfortunate moment to walk in/ ask me to do something in which case i'll have to discreetly wipe away the traces of my communion with God and go on pretending that life's cool and i've got it all together

nah. i really don't have it altogether at all... and i'm finally ready to admit it to myself. worship, cry, pray, disintegrate, whatever.




hello Daddy... i'm home now. sorry i ran away.

i'm not busy... i'm just in hiding

hey Lord, where are you? i need to be swept up and away and be lost (and found) in You

i still haven't done my christmas shopping!

rather... i've thought about doing christmas shopping but i dunno who to buy things for at the moment aside from the parents #epicfail

alamak. that kinda shows how dry i really am, how i haven't thought about other people and have no real leading to bless anyone. oopsie.

less than 10 pages into this book i find...

"As a result, I grew up with serious feelings of rejection, fear, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, painful loneliness, and a sadness that planted a perpetual lump in my throat. It was the kind of lump you get when you have a constant ache in your heart and you must continually choke back a lifetime of uncried tears. you have kept them back for so long that you know they have become a torrential flood building up behind a dam. you learn to keep that dam from breaking at all costs because, if it ever did, it might destroy everything in its path. The kind of tears i'm talking about can only be released in the presence of unconditional love and acceptance. And where on earth can you go to find that?"


wow. so perfectly eloquent and real - and that depth of emotion that i cannot don't know how to release, except in the presence of God (which incidentally is the answer to that last question)

a few pages later there's this bit which describes the dryness i've been facing this last month or so (well not all of it, so i'm taking out snippets)


" On the outside it looked as if I had nothing to be concerned about. But on the inside I felt paralyzed to the point of not being able to do much of anything. And I had so much I needed to be doing. Good things. Things i have always wanted to do. yet i couldn't bring myself to do any of them. I had not been like this since i became a believer.

I had lost my vision for the future and couldn't seem to regain it no matter how I tried. I felt useless, aimless, and alone. Even despairing at times. I couldn't see beyond the day, and the day was a struggle to get through... It seemed as though I were being squeezed in a vise and then wrung out like a rag to dry in the heat of the day. I felt trapped by my own blessings - by the answers to my own prayers. i wanted to be anywhere but where i was, if that meant I could escape the misery. And this was a hard place to be because I had so many responsibilities and deadlines that going anyplace except to my laptop would have been criminal."

the answer to that she found to that predicament... and that i've been discovering this week...
the Lord said 'Simply worship Me'




kudos to the author being used by God...
and kudos to sam who forced me to talk, caused me to cry, reminded me that i'm loved till i had the emotional capacity to say 'i love you' again... it's such a blessing to call you my friend =)


excerpts by Stormie Omartian
The prayer that changes everything - The hidden power of praising God

my name means love

so i'm all about Christmas! cos Christmas is about LOVE and GIVING and the GREATEST GIVER OF ALL! and in the midst of this i'm still learning to love myself for who i am rather than what i do

i'm me as God has created me to be
- whether or not i am visible/ am mopeing at home/ am singing and sounding horrible/ am quiet and uncomfortable/ am doing crazy things/ am running an event
- and i'm loved, whether or not i feel it.

and i just wanna to appreciate all the opportunities that God provides to love other people and to be a part of all these CRAZY THINGS

like yesterday's Christmas party:

cutting

drawing

sticking

climbing

pretending to climb?

and God was so very PRESENT there =)

i feel strangely depressed

brought the mother and grandma to have a go on the singapore flyer today and got 2 lovely photos out of it!

but as the title says... well...

i think it must be that time of the month again.

floating priorities

the school hols for teachers are here and i've finally been able to rest! (albeit enforced cos i'm ill =.=)

anyway the feeling i've been getting as i've been resting is of someone having toiled and climbed up this mountain towards some goal... and then having reached that, to turn back and see... well. this.

not that i've climbed out of destruction, but that i've forgotten about what's really important... and left some important relationships behind (feels like i've left them behind to die =P)

what's the point of throwing in all my time and effort? dunno.

i forgot my priorities... put work in first place - and i was consumed by my need to do it PERFECTLY and my inability to do so. but when it was all over, there was no sense of accomplishment, only an incomprehensible sense of loss, like i've forgotten something important... as if i was looking down the hill i climbed and seeing only the carnage of the relationships i didn't protect. so the last few weeks i kept looking at what was going on around me and wondering - why is it that they can have XYZ and i can't seem to let go

the something i forgot => GRACE GRACE
perfection was never mine to begin with - only mine to receive. and only Jesus can take first place in my life. here's to a new and growing revelation of that.

bubbles

i've was thinking about how my life has been in a bubble all these years. incidentally, bubbles is a nickname for one of my friends =P

first the home bubble
then primary, secondary, JC bubble
then the bubble of 'everything provided for' scholarship
the bubble of 'overseas singaporean in london'
and now it's back to the school bubble (just on the other side of the classroom)


anyhow i was thinking that i really don't know anything about the world and how it works. and that i've been too sheltered my whole life. maybe i've 'missed out' on life and really don't understand the world (i really don't understand myself, much less the world...), missed out on some opportunities that i never grabbed.

but by chance God's timing i listened to this sermon by Louie Giglio http://www.passioncitychurch.com/watch/#20111127
and i started thinking... in the God-perspective, it's the grace zone isn't it? Living where God has put you and living for what is right in front of you. so thank you Lord... for Your grace bubble encircling my life.

at work

where the rubber meets the road... i have fallen short

it's time for new growth and new revelation i guess.

to receive His grace and His righteousness... and stop the tears. haha it's been awhile since i've been this pained - and by my own doing too.

for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again,
but the wicked are brought down by calamity.
~Proverbs 24:16

remind me Lord... Your grace is sufficient for me

i am... nervous

i swear...
every step i take when it comes to ministry... whether in church/ school/ family/ friends... brings me one step further from my comfort zone

my spirit is overjoyed
and my flesh screams... i dont have what it takes - not the experience/ the connections... nothing. i'm nervous... fearful sometimes, cos i've nothing to cling to

but Jesus...
and that's all it takes... cos He who finishes the work gets all the glory

i think it's ridiculous that i was in the shower and on the verge of tears while talking to God... when i paused and kept them in check.

and the thought that went through my head was rather pathetic - 'lol... you're in the shower with water running down your face so you wouldn't have to see/ feel the tears of your weakness... and you're still afraid of someone seeing them'

Lord you gotta free me from me man...

that said... i finally have the peace to go to sleep... but boo i have to be up in 4 hours to go to work.

searching... address not found

today's one of those days where i've got nothing to do...

i was worrying about the work i would have to do... and it turned out that the person didn't expect me to do much (praise God haha) - so i came home early and did some housekeeping. i even managed to watch an anime, read a couple chapters of manga, take a nap, go for a run, learn a new song, listen to a couple of sermons...

but something's not settled in my heart (which i have no clue about -.-) and when i'm still and spending time with Jesus the tears come unbidden - life is meant to be much more than this, you are worth more than this, you are no longer the lonely girl hiding in her bedroom, you no longer have anything to fear, I am with you.

keep growing.. keep loving

i am struck ... yet again by how self-conscious i actually am, tho people have said that i seem like i dont mind what others think of me

and i'm surprised by how my heart could turn so violently inside my chest...  the depth of emotion that could well up from within and throw my thoughts into disarray




.. all after an edifying time of sharing about what Jesus has done in people's lives... lol the heart is deceitful indeed

emotions come from God

it's hard to remember that sometimes (most times to be honest). it's almost second nature to put my feelings aside for something or another that must be done. or to go back to the old 'default' of denying my thoughts so i won't have to feel the depth of emotion they produce

but God's created us with emotions... and life is meant for us to be fully engaged in whatever we do With Emotion.

if i be smothered by fear (God forbid), then so be it. at least i'll realise that i've forgotten the greatness of God.
if i feel the burn of anger/ jealousy/ hatred - whether turned on myself or others, then i'll realise i've forgotten how precious His mercy is to me
if i be weighed down by sadness/ pain, then i'll realise that it is He who lifts me up, who grieves with me and carries my burdens
if i feel joy... then i remember that He is my strength and He has given me all things
if i feel regret... then i remember that Jesus is past
if i feel doubt... then i remember that Jesus is future

if i feel... then i'll know that Jesus is here with me in the present. with me, now, just where i am, whatever i'm thinking/ feeling.

but i can ask for more

the 'about me' bit on the side of my blog currently says:
 'now alive in Christ, cannot ask for more'
but i just watched this clip from bethel church
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/881/testimonies-healings-and-the-presence/2010/10/06

and i realised... that i need to change that status... cos i can ask for more, so much more! just that i haven't been asking - my view of God just continues to be enlarged.

today i just realised that i've never asked for healing - it has never sunk in that Jesus is my Healer... cos well, it's just you know, the natural way things go. You fall sick, take medication and wait for the annoying symptoms to go away. Or maybe in some cases, you fall sick, take medication and live knowing that it will never go away (like my dad on medication for hypertension and diabetes for the last 10 years). heck... i think to some extent i stopped considering that as sick! it was just 'normal'

but normal isn't the truth...
and normal isnt the way we were meant to live.
healing isn't an option... it isnt a belief,
it's a portion of the truth, a way of life -
God's way of life.

I wanna live in that kinda life, the supernatural kind, where the things of God, things of the supernatural are normal to me, where i see that everything is simply just so and just right in God's plan. where i act just so, and am in line with God's plan.
that i may see miracles as normal, but never become familiar and prideful - that i'll be perpetually awe-inspired and perpetually in worship of His goodness and greatness working in and through me. that Jesus (who is the sole cause that all of this is possible) will be glorified

be swallowed by a fish

how do you think Jonah felt when he was running away from God and finally got swallowed by a fish?

scared? distrustful? unwilling?
complacent? troubled? angry?
probably a dozen things at once

i was reading about Jonah the other day, and i realised that my underlying feelings towards God, His purpose and where my life is going is probably similar to Jonah.

Friends around me have said 'it's a season of preparation'... yeah i know that, and i know enough to trust that God is working all things together for good. but the plan/ dream that God has put on my heart is so great that i cannot even begin to fathom the journey He will bring me through. for that matter, the current journey is scary enough.

i knew my sphere of influence would increase yeah... but not in this way.
i thought... okay, grow as a teacher, take a class, a CCA, impact 80-100 kids in some way or another... learn the ropes of teaching, grow in responsibility over the years.
but God's made it so that the school is overstaffed... and i have practically no teaching responsibilities!  on the other hand i have been into and taught almost every single p5 class in the school, and stepped into about 4 p4 classes, 4 p6 classes. more kids know me than i can count (and more kids remember me than i have bothered to remember) heck. last friday i helped out in an airport trail and this morning some p2s were saying hi -.-" i sure can't see the impact i have on them... but there must be one since they remember me right? (but thinking about it... that's quite freaky... cos there are that many more pairs of eyes watching me - even if they're small-sized)

the thought of more responsibility has been bugging me... though i know that that step is towards where God wants me to go. (it's not really an issue of 'i must perform' anymore though there is still an element of that and the glimmer of fear of not living up to expectations in my heart.) this time it's more of an unwillingness to leave things behind. i think i've gotten too comfortable in Singapore these past few months. London was constantly changing, but life in Singapore has become pretty much routine (and legalistic too lol) Living boxed-in has become comfortable - and stepping out from this familiarity is incredibly daunting.

Familiarity doesn't do anything though... it doesn't last...
aiyah. would that i wholeheartedly trust God, drop all of this and simply follow.

Disguised

wow.

Divine Disguise

For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. – Romans 8:19

The commercial immediately captured my attention. A svelte woman, clothed in an eye-catching running outfit, was striding like a gazelle in and out of neighborhood streets. “Chariots of Fire” type background music bellowed in the background. Her neatly coifed ponytail bounced in step with each of her pavement pounding strides, while a few stray hairs whipped against the current of the morning wind. The beaded glisten on her forehead collected into a single bead of sweat that dramatically ran down her temple towards her chiseled jaw line. Her expression was penetrating. There was no smile and no menacing frown. Just the certain look of determination. She wasn’t gasping desperately for air as if this was her first jog in decades. She was a seasoned runner—powerful, strong, and sure of herself. Her feminine legs and arms were defined and brawny. Indeed, she was a sight to behold: lean, swift, athletic, and beautiful.

The eye-catching commercial hadn’t been coupled with a lot of distracting verbiage. Only at the very end, just when you were on the edge of your seat waiting to see what this ad was all about, did a deep tenor say with passion:

“There’s an athlete among us . . . disguised as a wife and a mother.

 Nike . . . just do it.”

My rubber glove clad hands, holding a dirty cooking pan deep in soapy dishwater, fell motionless. I felt something in me leap. I was a wife and mother, and the image of this woman made me feel like there was potential in me that I hadn’t tapped into. The marketing team at the Nike Corporation had done its job. I was inspired. Suddenly the Chariots of Fire music was roaring in my own head. I saw my short staccato steps that marked my usual jog exchanged for a long lean gallop that would cause people to admire my athleticism. I’d have the same fierce determined expression of this gorgeous woman. My hair would bounce and forehead would glisten just as hers had. I’d be muscular, defined and strong. I’d be able to run miles at a fast pace without gasping for air once. I’d no longer have to stop and walk to catch my breath—no, not me.

I was an athlete who had just been disguised as a wife and a mother.

Friend, you’ve been disguised. What’s your occupation? What do you do everyday? How do you define yourself?

Are you . . .

A wife

A mother

                        An executive

                                    A manager

                                                An Employee                       

                                                            A single woman

                                                                        A ministry director

                                                                                    A friend

                                                                                                A relative

This is not who you are. It’s just your divine disguise.

You are really a Christ-follower who’s been disguised as a _____________.

Fill in the blank.

All of creation is waiting for the Christ-follower in you to be revealed. Never let your daily activity veil the reality of your calling to manifest Christ to the world. Your colleagues, friends, relatives, spouse and children are sitting on the edge of their seats, eagerly awaiting the unveiling of God’s daughters. They want to witness the power of God in us, be exposed to His Spirit operating through us, and experience His grace from us.

So, hear His love song ringing in your head and be inspired in this upcoming new year to come forth and be seen for who you truly are.

Now, is the time.

This is the season.

Just do it.

                                                                                                         

 Priscilla Shirer, Going Beyond Ministries

one of those things I keep forgetting

There's this lie that we all believe from time to time..

You are alone, no one knows and understands what you're going through and no one will care even if you tell them

But remember... Jesus knows the depths of your heart. And he cares for you.

God plans your way and guides your steps

i was really blessed by a random event yesterday... i was with a bunch of teachers on a rece kinda thing at the airport in the morning. basically the lot of us are going to be taking care of P2s while they do their alternative assessment there.

What struck me, was how much planning had gone into making the worksheets, ensuring the fairness of the test, doing the routes... etc etc. and even then, when we were there, we were constantly troubleshooting as we familiarised ourselves with the various places and possible routes.

• Are the questions too hard?
• What are the potential mistakes the kids will make?
• What kind of behavioural problems will we face? How do we prevent them?

etc etc.

then as I was leaving the place i thought - wow. this is what God does for every moment of our lives.

teachers aren't infallible... so we can plan and plan but somehow we most likely will still have to deal with unforeseen circumstances on the day itself.
God on the other hand is faithful and He never fails!

I will bring the blind by a way they did not know;
I will lead them in paths they have not known.
I will make darkness light before them,
And crooked places straight.
These things I will do for them,
And not forsake them.
~Isaiah 42:16

that's just one example... gosh. someone compiled a whole list of verses for times of stress here and it's super encouraging.

...
The general attitude of the P2s also encourages me a lot.
They have such faith in us teachers - Teacher will make all things right, just tell teacher. Teacher will take care of us etc etc. They ask 'where are we going next?' but still happily follow. Heh there's never even a fleeting thought that  the teacher might be wrong. God does all that perfect planning for my life. no wonder the bible calls us to have faith like a child.

beliefs change the world

i wanted to blog a comment earlier this week but couldn't find the time/ energy. basically that beliefs really shape the world... they create, fund, support life. they shape the way you view the world and what you do. and in the God-sense they call forth into existence the things that God would like to bless you with. do you believe in Jesus? do you believe, that there is a God who is greater than all you can possibly conceive? that this God who is greater than anything you can dream of loves you because of Jesus, and guides you, guards you, sets up your life for you, blesses you... do you believe that you are special?

there's a war within me at the moment...
in the midst of shopping for shoes with some great friends today... its like God was telling me that all of that was fleeting. 'could you walk away from that if i ask you to?' was the question - it wasn't really referring to the friendships themselves but to the fragility of everything in life.

i am so emotionally attached to it all...
can i truly lose what i have now... and embrace what God has in store for me? i've finally begun to embrace teaching (metanoia truly... changing my belief to one where i realise that this path is an anointed and a blessed, God ordained one, and one that i am given the strength to walk) but the thought of yet more change, yet more loss/ more gain/ more challenges is so daunting...

but what do i believe then? most likely that the life i envision for myself is better than what God has in store right?

do i really believe that when God takes first place and i follow it will all be okay? no. better than okay... great?

new beginnings

i should talk about church camp first i suppose... since i haven't written anything about it at all. but i can't really consolidate what i've received into writing so i'll leave it at that.

my expectation of God going into camp... was that my ceiling (my faith, awareness of his love etc etc.) would become my floor... and that i would begin to move in a new and greater anointing with a greater revelation of Jesus. i got what i asked for to say the least... and it's just interesting how this last week before school reopens has been so challenging in many different ways.

i started teaching on wed - 'rising' to the last minute call to teach the supplementary classes of a teacher who need to go on medical leave. i say 'rising' cos in reality i dragged my feet (on the bright side i walked into the staffroom and heard similar complaints haha.)

so work officially started... and i became officially stressed. cos... well, i'm such a newbie to the school and to teaching... don't know all the procedures... heck, for supplementary class i didn't even know what to teach cos the materials were not ready. and then i realised on friday, that i had no clue what i was going to do with the kids on monday and that i needed to submit weekly lesson plans every monday. so i brought everything home together with a pile of marking and spent the better part of the morning today trying to figure something out. without much success i might add.

throughout all of that... i had zero connection with all i had received from camp. zero dependence on God. zilch. i kind of compartmentalized Him - so my faith stayed in the 'church box' and i threw all of me into the 'work box' and tried to make things work out. but service today was really timely... and reminded me that God really loves me and is faithful... and it's ALL under Him, ALL about Him.

i guess the answer to my prayer is in operation... just thinking about it, God has put me in a position where one of my greatest challenges to my faith - my intellect - is challenged. I'm in a job that i have no expertise in... yet expected to perform in. And from past results and observations - I really cannot make it on my own... and this situation i'm stuck in is causing (or forcing) me to lean on Him. that's a lovely predicament =P God is just too cool

like stray dogs...

i've been thinking too much lately... some thoughts are stray, like dogs - they jump around, run in circles, bark.. make a lot of noise, whine when i don't give them attention, beg to be entertained.
thing is. i don't want to entertain them cos they're stray! i'd much rather look after MY dogs thoughts... the well behaved ones that bring joy into my life and keep Jesus in focus.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ..."
~ 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

But this has been an interesting challenge this week, in an area i never had a problem with before...
you know how the bible says 'Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. ~ 1 Corinthians 6:18"
i just realised how far we actually need to flee... that is to flee as far as to not even take the first curious step into the room (or cyberspace even).

why flee... and why run that far? cos hindsight tells me that i wouldn't even be aware of this struggle had i done that. i am a virgin - physically yes. but i'm not a virgin mentally. what with all the sex scenes in the movies, porn references in fiction (and my very active imagination), chaste kisses turned deep and more sensual, research to understand the sensuality (wikipedia basically - talk about the dangers of the internet! ...and again my very active imagination filled in the gaps.) i created in myself the beginnings of an emotional link with the whole notion of sex.

and so the natural temptation began... the memory/ thought of a kiss long gone... the memory/ thought of a sweet touch in a lonely moment... the desire for pleasure(?) or what i believe pleasure would feel like from what i've imagined and the scenes i've seen in movies... the desire to feel loved and wanted... to make myself feel loved and wanted.

but you see... these thoughts are strays... the devil capitalising on weakness, waiting for me to fall and to condemn me. granted, he wouldn't even have a foothold if i didn't bother to 'increase my knowledge'. still, there is grace for every situation and these intrusions can be dismissed. The answer is just in the next two verses "Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body[c] and in your spirit, which are God’s. ~ 1 Corinthians 6:19-20"

There is a particular strength... a knowledge... that you are loved, you are bought by God, and God dwells in you. At the end of the day, if you know you are that precious, and if you are the temple of the holy spirit, glorious, would you choose to let your hand stray with your thoughts for a moment's pleasure?

in this strength i can say - i wont succumb to temptation.

awkward.

i felt a sudden surge of disconnect today after service, as if everything suddenly dissolved in front of my eyes and i was watching all human connection from afar..

it's the time of the year where all the people studying overseas are back for summer... and this time i'm not one of them. i'm not a fringe person who 'pops by' for caregroup and hangs with 'london friends' or 'old friends'... neither am i an integral part of the church caregroup, simply because our leader got transferred and we're temporarily merging with the other overseas caregroup.

supper tonight was interesting. i was the only girl at the table... and i felt... for the lack of a better word... old. we were talking about travelling and high school pranks and graduation and crazy things that happen overseas, and it was fun... but i had just spent my morning listening to a talk about financial planning, my afternoon trying to type out reflections and work for mom... and all that kind of stuff just feels like a distant memory - which is true cos it's been a year. still. the longing to get away from singapore and the regret that i can't stay in london came back in a flash.

maybe it's cos i didn't know the other guys that well, but the conversation felt young, unchallenged... ready to take on the world... untainted(?) and reminded me of being carefree and kuku and happy... which i really wasn't cos i found i couldn't bring my guard down as much with the new friends. i guess it's time to move up? it's rather evident that i don't belong anymore (i am tempted to say 'anywhere anymore' but i know that's not true)

introspection

you know how the devil tries to tell you that you're not worth it?
and how he tries to steal your joy in the little things in life?

I am the righteousness of God in Christ
I am crowned with glory and honour
His favour surrounds me like a shield
My worth is found in the worth of Jesus

but all that flew out the window when i saw my NIE practicum results. Just a pass. how can? what did i do wrong, i didn't work hard enough etc etc. (happily forgetting that i did get a rather good GPA) and being sad that my overall grade was pulled down to a credit rather than staying at distinction because i didn't even get a credit for my practicum.

it's hard to accept. especially since i found out that majority of the people in my clique got distinctions... 'what's wrong with me? why am i not as good as they are? did i not work hard enough? am i not smart enough?' were just a few questions running through my head when i first saw the results last night and met my friends this morning.

i am sad... that i missed the mark, just like missing my first class honours degree by an overall 1 mark - having my grade hover around distinction but not hit a distinction is just painful and annoying. its even worse when i start comparing to my other friends (the over-achiever classmates i grew up with in my elite school)

but that's me trying... and me forgetting that my worth is in Christ... my life belongs to Christ... God has gone before me and is preparing the way for me... that it doesn't matter really cos He loves me and whatever happens now is simply in preparation for eternity. My success is not dependent on the grading that man gives but on the judgement of God... and He judges me righteous, number one, cos i am in Christ...

"Blessed is the man You choose,
And cause to approach You,
That he may dwell in Your courts.
We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,
Of Your holy temple."
~Psalm 65:4

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly."
~Psalm 84:11

how to preach the bible in less than 5 min

what is brokenness in the face of love?

NIE is over and my life is now chill and empty.... not. but I have time to write about things again rather than just running through all that needs to be done =)

last friday was my last day as a trainee in Rosyth.. and I was so in awe... cos i only taught my kids for 10 weeks, pulled out my hair over their behaviour... said hi to them on corridors, put an arm around a few... scolded them for making noise, marked their work, scolded them for their work, did corrections, broke up petty quarrels... hid in the staffroom to maintain sanity and adult contact. and yet and yet I came away with a large amount of thank-you cards, a couple of very sad faces and hugs. wow.i guess i'm in the right profession after all (and after all the angst over having to come back to singapore to do something i dont really believe in)... if i am able to let these kids know that they're wanted and their existence is precious to me.

i'm sold Lord. haha. You know what's best.


last week up to now has been an incredible journey though. thank God i'm at least freer now to really spend time with God =P.
the lives of the people in my cg have become very 'drama' in the last two weeks - or perhaps the drama has just come to light... with all the emotions being exposed over family, relationships, other issues that people are struggling with. i'm.. at a loss as to how to react/ be there/ support... and to some extent i have a lack of understanding of the pain (or a denial of understanding cos i don't want to delve into my own brokenness and face my own inadequacies)
just this morning one of the girls' cousin passed away - sudden relapse, sudden death. there is nothing that can be said in the face of such grief... cos it's not alright, and it never will be.. and i have to face my own helplessness in the whole situation, cos all we can do is be there and watch and wait. and a wall has come up preventing me from speaking into her life that God has to remove first i think. i am mad though. mad at the devil's attempt to turn us away from God and towards the situations. but i can only pray, that the light of God's victory will be more salient in each and every person's mind rather than the darkness of the world. i can only pray for strength to face the situation, wisdom in my actions and speech as i am in contact with each of them.. and pray to be used.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
~Romans 8:38-39

good friday =)

you know you're incredibly busy when the last post on your blog is more than a month old!!

anyhow. i have survived my 10 observations in my teaching practicum. i will pass with a decent grade i hope (pray for grace haha). had great 'bosses' or cooperating teachers (CTs) as we call them. not too strict about procedure as long as the lessons get done and the kids benefit =) so there was lots of room to learn and stuff. thank God for favour with them and a good working relationship!!

it's good friday (well yesterday). so i finally have a break! haha wasted my life away yesterday reading some manga then going out for dinner with my parents' cg.

been asking God for a new revelation of His greatness and firstness in my life... how all i do revolves around him... and how He has equipped and ordained everything before i even step in and start thinking bout what to do. tis kinda apt that it's the easter weekend and i'm just reminded of how UNREAL it is that GOD came down as mere MAN and DIED for me.. and yet how REAL it is... cos HE'S ALIVE and paving the way for me in life.

t-Jays two

my new babies since my sennheisers died and i've been using the crappy apple earphones =). i must say that these are REALLY value for money... SGD $118 at the IT fair (only 9 bucks more than the sennheisers) but the sound quality is awesome. and hopefully the make of the earphones is as good as the reviews say and they'll last me for a year or two of daily usage.

they come with a nice range of 'accessories' too! though their claims of being able to wear the earphones around the ear require you to swap the right and left sides due to the shape of the earpieces.

my God provides

wow it's been almost a month since my last post... and it's been a flurry of activity, waking up at 5am everyday for school, going shopping every week to get the right colour and type of top for choir for sunday, practicing guitar for cg, started having class for guitar... and my weekends for the next couple of weeks are packed too. it's so incredible how everything falls into place when you take a step in God's direction - and as a result take a step in the direction that God wants you to go.

anyway. a result of all the activity is that i've been shopping for stuff and spending a lot of money. and that's rather upsetting... cos the macboook + makeup + clothes has meant that i haven't saved money for 2 months. worse still i've been drawing from my savings cos i give my parents a sizable amount of my salary. even so... i went for the IT fair at suntec today. oops.

i meant to get a wireless presenter, a 1 TB harddisk, the converter for the mac port to VGA cable... out of these i only got my hd... and my $$ disappeared into a pair of earphones and an iphone case. justified cos my earphones have died and they had good ones with a $30 discount. anyway this story is really about my hd.

so i was walking around... and the Western Digital one was selling at $139... and so was the seagate one (from the official booth). then i went a bit further in and there was a retailer selling the seagate at $129... so i got it. happily thinking it would be as small as the WD one cos what the sales guy showed me was the 500GB sized one. left the place rather disappointed that i didn't get all i wanted and was completely bushed from fighting the crowds... then.. i went back in cos a friend was in there and i wanted to get the iphone case that i spied earlier. oops. which resulted in me testing earphones and getting a pair. 1 x happy moment =) they deserve their own post tomorrow when i unpack em.

went for service for the third time lol. cos i had promised the friends (and got ditched by one). was kinda wilting by then cos the week had been long, packed with events but little sleep.. so was looking forward to a chill dinner then going home. BUT. a couple of us started comparing the 1 TB hds we bought and i opened my box to find a huge hulking thing! omg. for $10 more i could have gotten the nice compact WD one!!! so i went back into the crazy crowd - all upset cos of this 'waste of money' in an attempt to get it changed. to add to my bad mood, the person there couldn't change it - and it was a valid reason... i had torn off the sticker and opened the box and no one would trust an opened hard disk. -.-"

came home without dinner... worn out... hungry... upset... annoyed... beating myself up for making such a quick decision instead of walking around more and comparing specifications (the one that i bought was USB 2.0 instead of the WD USB 3.0 as well) beating myself up for beating myself up (cos i should be trusting God for finances???) and then about 40 min ago i picked up the zone magazine that they gave out yesterday - one of the articles was on homeless people and being a blessing to others. all my annoyance went 'poof!' when i read it, cos right at that moment i realised how blessed i was to simply buy all the stuff i bought and complain about their prices when there are so many poor, so many homeless, and so many dead/dying cos of the recent earthquakes. hum. put in perspective... i'm blessed. my God provides... and none of these worries and annoyances have any actual influence on the world and life at all - but I DO.

growing up!

Walking with God really brings you into things you'd never dream of... well. at least things i'd normally dismiss as impossible.

Teaching is a good example of that. i'm gonna be 'starting school' this monday and i discovered that i actually enjoy the whole process of learning to be a teacher and writing lesson plans and staying up late to do the million assignments! I realised recently that all my perfectionistic traits detract from glorifying God... cos i'd worry bout the assignment non-stop then treat people around me badly, complain non-stop about the schedule and basically be miserable. but i think i've grown a lot in these few months in those areas heh. it's no longer just a job/ 'serving the scholarship bond' but a postion by which God has orchestrated to impact many people's lives. and just with that thought... all that work becomes worth it =)

i just had a revelation for my teaching practicum: i was stressed out a couple of months ago when i was thrown into a school with no formal training - but after all the formal training in the last 6 months, i still dont feel confident of being able to handle everything that i imagine i'll face from monday onwards! teaching is really about facing small challenges lined up in a row, or even simultaneously... and to make perfect decisions in the short span of time given is impossible. i've always wanted to be perfect in everything - plan everything, or perfectly smoke my way through everything. i simply can't even begin to be perfect in this case with my inexperience and all... but i just realised the other day, that if God puts me in a situation like this. then he gives me the anointing to make up for all that i'm lacking. and simply because i'm so lacking - i know it is all Him and not me and i can give Him all the glory. wow.

the other bit is worship ministry... what started out as an unfulfilled desire to continue the exciting journey God had for me in london with music... has become me playing the guitar for caregroup, getting some guitar classes, going into worship ministry and as of sunday i've been evaluated as fit to go onstage to serve!... that is amazing, but that's bringing about a change in me too. i'm the tomboy jeans t-shirt kinda person who likes all the techie stuff and does videography and photography. now i've changed ministry from being totally behind the scenes to totally in view of everyone. aaand. i'm now forced to dress well and wear makeup! i guess God really planned it well - or i'll never see the need to go a further level in dressing up. the $$ is rather painful on the pocket but i guess it's a blessing in disguise cos all the stuff im gonna get for choir i can wear in school as well. and totally out of character... i bought makeup! haha. what i had before was stuff nicked from my mum (she's been telling me for years to borrow hers everytime i have a performance... and i've listened... but choir isn't a one-off thing soo i went and got my own)

and my new stash... costing 10% of my gross salary. ouchie. but i dont fancy the thought of putting crap stuff on my face =S growing-up-pocket-pains! this doesn't include the stuff i need to get to match the colour and dress code for the choir... there's actually a printed piece of paper with diff shades of diff colours specifying which shades we have to get! expensive sia...

new wall friends

as a break from the whole cny hectic-ness and working and visiting... and handing in assignment and doing a presentation... i haven't touched my work today! i packed a bit of my table and decided to stick my new wall friends to join the big mural thing on the other side of the roomcheck out the growing city =)
pity that my table looks like this about 90% of the time though! so much stationery and stuff =P

watch these in order

God hears the prayers you dont even pray

I wanted kinder bueno yesterday when i went to get some munchies but didnt get em cos they're not very satisfying to eat... and i needed the snacks to last for the rest of the day at least.

guess what. my NIE-mother-friend randomly gave me one in class today! and she said 'it's not random, it's cos you're such a sweetie pie'.

awwww. *hearts*

ok time to go to bed and face the 30% microteaching tomorrow. God help me remember all the questions i need to ask and the order in which i planned to ask them =S *scared*

randomness & revelation

today i said to a friend in NIE... that the more i'm in NIE the more i feel like i can't teach.

that is all too true.

i was talking with some other friends about deadlines after class. (class in which the tutor told us 'you'll be doing lesson plans for every period you teach' and i'm struggling with handing up assignments where it's like 2 a week?!?!).. feeling pretty stressed about the english assignment - cos i just had no clue what to do/ what's expected. so on the way home i was telling God that i had no clue why he put me in this position. cos i really am so clueless about everything...!

and i was reminded of this as an answer:

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12:9-11

i am reminded everyday this term that my GPA for last term must have been God. and lol.. for practicum i think He's given me no choice but to glorify him ;)

...

i fell asleep thinking bout my english assignment earlier tonight (still without a clue of what i should do). and dreamt about what i wanted to do with the kids 0_o... but when i woke up i only remembered the last bit of the dream! so annoying! and it was some crap about a guy and girl with movie style framing and shots... and there was this mongrel dog that wouldn't leave them alone. then it appeared to the girl in man-form and proclaimed to be her guardian dog... erm

i woke up very much amused =P

if our God is with us - what could stand against

i have invested... and tasted failure... and realised that i had turned my eyes away from seeking His greatness as my signpost and guiding force - man i need grace.

hello 2011

I have no new year resolutions.. only requests for Daddy God =P at least He doesn't mind me asking and asking and loves me perfectly.

and just so i remember them next year:

1. clarity in where i'm going - to see him working in everything, opening the right doors and closing the others (even if my emotions say otherwise)

2. peace at home - to be united in the Word... for me to take my place as an adult

3. to be increased - in my ability to multitask, to address people's needs, speak into people's lives, to be great in whatever position i am called to be in at any point in time

4. healing & perfect eyesight

...

heh. i just looked through previous posts - couple months ago i would've taken a photo of each christmas present and blogged about them to commemorate the event. hmmm have i changed that much?