i choose to believe

i just caught this in the spirit this morning, after these past two weeks of swirling thoughts...

the other voice came back (if you know what i mean) for a moment and i was warring with it. all the 'what if's, the 'are you sure this is the right choice?'s, the 'what's your future, life isn't worth it', the 'comeon, you regret not dying right? see life so difficult' etc.

so i was asking God... are you really sure? God? cos i'm scared to death (rather literally.) and i don't know where i'm going... and preparations aren't going well. not well at all. i have not the strength to fight anymore.

... so i shut down... and shut out... and run away (and was rather surprised when ian looked at me yday at the prayer meeting and went 'you look tired, are you okay?' lol). some-when in there i was thinking about pastor's message about rest (timely reminder) ... and asking God 'eh God, this is so NOT rest la. how how? cannot go overseas being so depressed - so flat, how ah?'... thinking 'omg. talk about falling short of God's will... when you're afraid to sleep cos you don't want to face the next day'

and somehow this morning while thinking through the circumstances i'm in/ been through - it dawned on me... the purpose for the phrase "Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest" from Hebrews 4:11... that it takes effort, to choose to believe in Jesus, to choose to believe that God holds my world in the palm of His hand, to choose to believe that all things work for good no matter what happens to you.

so.




i choose to believe that God is good, He's my ABBA, my provider--

i choose to believe that my accomodation delay is because He is working to find me a great place to stay.

i choose to believe that the delay in my letters and my visa application is because He is crafting a place for me, a position in university.

i choose to believe that He will finance my life - that He is my provider, not my parents, not the scholarship board, not my boss.

...

i choose to believe that He has made me a blessing, and created me for an amazing purpose - no matter how unworthy i know i am

i choose to believe that He has planted me in MOE for a reason, to be an impact in some way for Christ

i choose to believe that He has created a niche for me in this batch of scholars - among people i barely know anything about, among a group of people i feel rather unworthy to be in

...

i choose to believe that He is Lord over my life, by extension my parents' lives

i choose to believe that one day He will restore their relationship, that He is the glue between them, not me.

...

i choose to believe that He is my Savior King, my protector, my healer.

i choose to believe that no weapon that comes against me shall prosper, that i will be safe in London and be happy in Him.

i choose to believe that i walk in the perfect health Jesus died to give me - that the 6/6 vision is coming, that my body is whole and not broken.

i choose to believe that Jesus and me, we make the majority - and He's all that matters.

...

and the war in my head just faded away.


and the email from residence just came saying i got international hall. thank you Daddy. (i guess you call these tears of love & joy)