dislocated & dissatisfied

so i finally found the words to express the 'nagging feeling'

dislocated... meeting london friends in spore is weird.
...like 'hmm i should be on oxford street or something... or in someone's hall/ apartment'
...that the people you'd talk to everyday over there you talk to only once a week when you're 'home'
... you talk about things differently cos well, it would just be weird with s'pore's culture
... different topics cos over here cos ambitions and dreams seem to have taken shelter in some hidden corner, hiding away from the practicalities of 'what i have to do' and 'what other people want me to do'

dissatisfied with what i'm doing now... namely nothing.
waking up and deciding that since i won't do anything useful anyway i might as well go back to sleep =S
i think i've too easily assimilated into the past life - working for parents, staying at home and being guai - but a big big part of me is craving the freedom of london... and that big big part seems to be becoming rather bitter (help Daddy...)

so again i've been asking... what am i living for?
yes. God.. but so? how then? what then? why then?
what is it really... this 'doing what God has called me to do'

and then today Reuben reminded me of my testimony...
which reminded me that Daddy's in control...
for something so painful to touch lives...

i'll believe that i'm growing - even though i feel like i'm being left behind
now's the time for receiving like no other.


maybe that's why this chorus has been ringing in my spirit

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of
His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
~Steven Curtis Chapman - 'God Is God'