stand still

here i am... doing yet another lab report... and as usual... procrastination results in a blog post.

what's there to say? hmmm.

lots of 'what if's are going through my head
a couple of 'if only's.
fiendish things... these 'what if's and 'if only's...

the past 3 days have been a whirl of confusion/ activity/ general non-work-ness
2 in-house movies screened in my room on my comp...
mugging parties (during which i talked to people on msn etc. hehe.)
talking to people in real life...

what if - if only...

strangely enough. i haven't been thinking much. (i'm contradicting myself. ugh.) just shoving these 'what if's and 'if only's out of the way. trying... desperately, perhaps. to lean on Daddy God and trust that everything will be okay. i'm learning... forever learning... how good He is.

oh shut up. voice of unbelief.

a love story

After all, if we were better women -- whatever that means -- life wouldn't be so hard. Right? ... We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought -- that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past out messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain -- uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. ... The message to the rest of us -- whether from a driven culture or a driven church -- is try harder.

--

Sometimes the idea of living as a hermit appeals to all of us. No demands, no needs, no pain, no disappointments. But that is because we have been hurt, are worn out. In our heart of hearts, that place where we are most ourselves, we don't want to run away for very long. Our lives were meant to be lived with others. ... We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure.

--

The vows we make as children are very understandable -- and very, very damaging. They shut our hearts down. They are essentially a deep-seated agreement with the messages of our wounds. ...
And so, I made a vow. Somewhere in my young heart, without even knowing I was doing it or putting words to it, I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain, never requiring attention. My job in the family was to be invisible, to cause no waves. ... So I began to hide. I hid my needs, my desires, my very heart. I hid my true self. And when it was all too much, I hid in the closet.

--

Back off.

That's what I felt. No one said it; nothing they were doing implied it; it wasn't a voice in my head. Just a very strong impression. ...
I knew that, as a man, this wasn't my heart's true desire toward these women. I love them. I want to fight for them. I have many times.

Back off, or, Leave her alone, or, You don't really want to go there -- she'll be too much for you is something Satan has set against every woman from the day of her birth. it's the emotional and spiritual equivalent of leaving a little girl by the side of the road to die. And to every woman he has whispered, You are alone, or, When they see who you really are, you will be alone, or, No one will ever truly come for you.

--

The essence of a man is Strength. A man is meant to be the incarnation-- our experience in human form -- of our Warrior God. A God who comes through for us. ...

To experience the strength of a man is to have him speak on our behalf. For when men abuse with words, we are pierced. Their strength has wounded us. When they are silent, we are starved. They have offered no strength; they have abandoned us. But when they speak with us, hear us, offer their words to us and on our behalf, something in our hearts is able to rest.

--

The young man understands something of the journey of the heart. He wants to talk, to "share the journey." The woman is so grateful to pursued, she opens up. They share the intimacies of their lives -- their wounds, their walks with God. But he never commits. He enjoys her.. then leaves. And she wonders, What did I do wrong? She failed to see his passivity. He really did not ever commit or offer assurances that he would.

--

To have a woman friend is to relax into another soul and be welcomed in all that you are and all that you are not. To know that as a woman you are not alone. ...
When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart. It is a chance to mother and to sister, to be a Life giver, to help someone else become the woman she was created to be, to walk alongside her and call her deep heart forth.

--

Women warriors are strong, yes, and they are also tender. There is mercy in them. There is vulnerability. In fact, offering a tender vulnerability can only be done by an incredibly strong woman, a woman rooted in Christ Jesus who knows whose she is and therefore who she is. Offering our hearts wisely, living in the freedom of God's love, inviting others to rest, alluring those in our lives to the heart of God, and responding to the heart of God in worship are some of the most powerful ways that a woman wars for her world. But she also puts on the full armour of God daily and takes her immovable stand against the powers of darkness.

--

Anna came to the ball prepared. She was beautiful in a striking gown that shimmered like starlight. She spent hours getting herself ready -- her hair, her dress, her heart. As they reach the dance floor, Anna expresses her fear of dancing with the King before the eyes of others. "We wouldn't want to end up in a heap," she says. His answer to her questioning heart? "I am King. I will lead."

Jesus is extending his hand to you. He is inviting you to dance with him. ...
His gaze is fixed on you. He is captivated by your beauty. He is smiling. He cares nothign of the opinion of others. He is standing. He will lead. He waits for your reponse.

Captivating - unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul
John & Stasi Eldredge


-romanced by the King of kings-

holding on

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12:9-10


holding on.
my essay is threatening to jump up and engulf me
i still don't really know the songs for worship later
my thoughts are running all over the place

but Lord You lift me up.

uneasy

for the last 30 min i've been struck with this unnerving feeling of unease...

nothing to do with the essay i'm writing..
nothing to do with what i've been thinking about/ feeling...
nothing to do with even the out of control things that have been happening...

it felt like i was just smacked with someone else's fear... o.o

praying ... with no idea what for ... thank God for the Holy Spirit man ... tongues - intercession even when i'm completely speechless and have no idea what's going on.

since it's an ungodly hour and i have work to do

i shall post something instead.

i challenge you to be real...

have you known pain? i'm sure you have.
that vice-like grip on your heart when -whatever it was- happened.
that feeling of brokenness - lost... nothing left here. move on.
but where to?
put on a face. -i am fine-. and face the day.

have you known emptiness? probably.
moments mindlessly flipping through magazines... surfing channels
moments searching... doing so many things
yet in the stillness - when you can't find anything to do.
what's left?
sian.

have you known guilt? i'm sure you have.
i should have... i shouldn't have...
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
bitterness - ...but it's not my fault
why do you make me feel this way?
anger.


--


don't, for one moment, think that you are alone.
[i know them too.]


--


beloved.
we have a saviour. Jesus.
and He heals every brokenness... fills the emptiness... restores your soul.
beloved.
you're His beloved.
in this is hope.
[a positive expectation of His goodness.]

pure innocence

-life is good-

-it'll be great-

-nah, doesn't matter-

why?

cos God is for me and not against me.

Thus I establish My covenant with you: Never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood; never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth.” And God said: “This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you, and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.” And God said to Noah, “This is the sign of the covenant which I have established between Me and all flesh that is on the earth.”
~Genesis 9:12-17

-noah never fell out of the ark-

we may fall... time and time again... face trouble, hit a rut... but we fall in His grace - never out of it.

natural selection

you know how you seem to know all the same few circles of people in singapore...

maybe it's cos of inbreeding...

that would probably explain why there are so few people who 'can make it' in terms of looks...

hmmm.

sorry random mood. =P

but for a moment

i was thinking about friends... all the way to the shower and back.
inspired by facebook yes. in the midst of doing my lab report.
i wonder. if there this 'collector's culture'. perhaps we collect friends like we collect magic cards... or hobbies... or grades (how singaporean)... perhaps you'd look at your facebook wall... and look at mine - and go "wow you have [insert some number here] friends"

everytime on facebook. i stare at the multitude of people i have there who are labelled as friends. and realise that i know almost nothing at all about their lives. most are people whose lives have merely brushed mine - but for a moment. perhaps we were thrown together by the school system, perhaps we met in some corridor... all the same. 'hi, my name is...' and a relationship begins.

times like this i stop and wonder... what has happened to you - friend - that i used to talk to every single day. where are you now. what are you doing. more importantly, how are you doing? but i can only concern myself with the here and now. this lab report. this person i'm gonna hang out with. this person talking to me.

and not even that sometimes... most times. there's this huge number of people i've gotten to know in uni here in london - narrow it down to the singaporeans - narrow it even further to the singaporeans in IH... and still i'm not in contact.

times like this i wonder. how many of these new relationships i'm making will last. too independent... too much a loner... too comfortable with myself.

even so.


... but for that moment... when my life brushes yours

i hope to have made a difference

=)

hmmm... still no post with thoughts in them.

i went rock-climbing today with junli!!! =DD UCL give-it-a-go thing organised by the union

hehe and we made friends with a really nice girl -masters student 0_0 who is interested in ballet... so i might have a new ballet buddy! heh.

so. climbing.

i haven't climbed since... sec 2... since my injury - and the god-awful backaches and lightningbolts up my spine when i jumped...
and the parents being overprotective and making sure i never did any sport ever again.
and the bitterness at the parents - well life in general...
and the many climbing opportunities where i simply belayed everyone... and watched. and watched. and watched. and wished - but the parents hadn't signed the form.

but but but today i did 3 routes... and conquered an overhang for the first time in my life!! got stuck in really strange positions at a point - junli will attest to that =S.. left various bits of myself on the wall (skin that is.)... but yay! i feel... satisfied. and we might just go again by ourselves... since we have level 1 certification and can just register... =)

haha okay. enough rambling. back to the lab report.

[which i have ignored for the last 2 hours going to observe a ballet class with chuyan and coming back to watch anime >.<]

i'm terrible at titles...

i just heard 'i wanted to kill myself and i nearly did' from someone talking in the corridor when i was in the toilet. disturbing.

helpless/ hapless... everytime i see/ hear somth like that.

one at a time perhaps (for now.) and in His time.

--

nothing much for ya'll. i've gotten hooked on this anime Yakitate Japan - all chun's fault (=P well i asked him to recommend one... oops) and have been watching it every spare min. lol.

saturday was quite a saga... gathered this bunch of people to go ice-skating with... and in the end it was just me and joseph cos all the people suddenly pulled out the day before/ that morning =S amazing. didn't know this kind of thing could happen. lol.
then lunch with joel/ eugene/ amelia/ junli/ suyi for the short couple of hours joel was in london - cooking is fun man. esp with company =)

sunday... church @ kensington temple - i was late and sat alone =S. met up later with joseph gordon angus & their fcbc pastor... and had lunch together (thanks for the treat pastor!). that was rather interesting - like sitting in on a caregroup for the first time... but with a completely different flavour.

monday... er. school. haha. but we learnt about luurrve... and people were pestering the lecturer with questions cos the idea he presented was that passionate love would die off, companionate love would grow stronger and last longer --- i got the strange feeling that alot of those ppl were in relationships that they wanted to last forever - but were facing the psyc model that it was impossible.

...

i'll stick to my love triangle with God. thank you very much.

...

and now i'm lab reporting... again. pray for a breakthrough... i seem to be stuck at a 2nd upper grade. rawr.

with faith like a child

i was reading the bible... well. cos i didn't want to do my notes/ readings. and came across this:

...that the LORD called Samuel. And he answered, “Here I am!” So he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.”And he said, “I did not call; lie down again.” And he went and lay down. Then the LORD called yet again, “Samuel!” So Samuel arose and went to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” He answered, “I did not call, my son; lie down again.” (Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD, nor was the word of the LORD yet revealed to him.)
~1 Samuel 3:4-7

what faith samuel had.... and to think we have both those things in the brackets... but still end up focusing on ourselves/ our problems/ insecurities.

Beloved. God is FOR you and not against you. He is I AM... Daddy God says 'I AM _______.' all that you need, just fill in the blank.

imagine that.



and He's so awesome... He called Samuel over and over till Eli finally realised who it was that was calling and told Samuel to answer the Lord. (what patience.)

-Jesus knocking at the door to your heart: will you let Me in... will you let Me love you the way you want to be loved... will you let Me fill the emptiness of your soul-

5

curiouser and curiouser.
how come i've never seen this before.

Who has woe?
Who has sorrow?
Who has contentions?
Who has complaints?
Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes?
Those who linger long at the wine,
Those who go in search of mixed wine.
Do not look on the wine when it is red,
When it sparkles in the cup,
When it swirls around smoothly;
At the last it bites like a serpent,
And stings like a viper.
Your eyes will see strange things,
And your heart will utter perverse things.
Yes, you will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea,
Or like one who lies at the top of the mast, saying:
“ They have struck me, but I was not hurt;
They have beaten me, but I did not feel it.
When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?”
Do not be envious of evil men,
Nor desire to be with them;
For their heart devises violence,
And their lips talk of troublemaking.

Proverbs 23:29-35, 24:1-2

searching searching searching for fulfillment in the wrong places
to fill that Jesus shaped hole on the inside

i'm reminded of what Jason (Arrow vid) said to me when i was talking to him about social life - perhaps. it's just God's protection on your life.

4

that's the number of times i've started a new post today and closed the window without writing anything.
and i guess i'll post this before the number becomes 5.

i need a revelation.
condemnation is an interesting tool of the devil

you sure you made the right choice...?
look you should have done that instead...

--

i shall endeavour to stop dwelling on things.

--

i opened psalms... and saw... psalms 38
0_o not something i'd put on my blog. i think david pwn me in emo-ness.

but there's my answer:
my child... in your weakness, I AM your strength.

--

here's a thought.
stop looking at the situation in the natural. stop talking about it.
start believing in your inheritance in Christ as a son of God.
and live life that way.

yes cheriekam. that means you.

--

here's another thought.
is God bigger... or your problems/ insecurities bigger?
ans: God. duh.

why then do you meditate on the problems and give weight to them instead of giving glory (giving weight) to God (and His promises)?

sandpaper

that's what my throat feels like.

possible culprits:
ethan
xinyi
the potato chips

bother.

--

anyway. bye wenyuan =( no more ncc guy for me to talk to. i thank God for having met you...
haha you and your 'i was in prison' during the freshers camp, innocent jokes... but crap and cursing and strangeness aside... i saw a glimpse of... well... a bro, not unlike the spirit of the guys in my cg... and that was really precious. [haha so you deserve a mention on my blog =P] it's kinda sad i didn't get to hang out with you more - i shall drag you to Arrow in summer.

--

hmmm how strange. i can't seem to remember any of the things i was thinking about while studying for linguistics/ before i fell asleep yesterday. oh well. guess my brain needs awhile to realign from the exam today and shopping and talking with junli <3!

--

oh yes. if you are like disong. *ahem* and read my blog regularly and have never tagged me.
*glares*
HOI. TAG LA. =P

'cher... how to do?

random thought.. the outcome of squinting at comments on my coursework (on word... which is smart and makes the comment font 100 times smaller than the normal font...) to try to study for the linguistics exam on tue.

in 3 years time i will graduate
then there's one year of NIE crash course (so scary.)
then i'll be a full-fledged fledgling 'cher

will i make a good one?
after all this talk about MOE - i'm just in this for the money
cos truly, teaching will only be for a season...

still. i do want to touch lives.
will i be the one where the students rejoice when i don't go to school... or one where they will actually miss not having the lesson...

[yes. my linguistics lecturer cum tutor is one of the best i've seen so far. not as a person like some of my other teachers <3... no such relationships in uni lol. but as a master of the subject who is down to earth, patient and really has a passion to pass on knowledge]

*snigger*

courtesy of mc.. hehe





i particularly like the bit that goes 'not lee kwan me but lee kwan ***'

--

on another note... i led worship again for the first time in a long time today. so blessed man... the privilege to lead the first OCF worship of the year... and it was awesome (i don't know about my worship leading... don't think i did the things that leaders should do... don't know whether i was audible etc etc.) but probably for the first time... i was worshipping while worship leading. not caring about the people around me or whether the music was what i imagined, whether the flow was 'just right', whether the transitions were funny... what to say what to do etc.

just coming to the throne of God in worship... in surrender, singing and singing... God use me... and all i'm gonna do here is sing for You... whether people's lives are touched - well God, that's Your job ^^. awesome. i just landed myself in something new. God's done a work in me...that i didn't even realise occured... just taking away a bit more of me, taking away self effort... and giving such an abundance of acceptance, grace, favour.

wow.

i didn't realise so many things have happened in ministry... check this video out